In My Wordz

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January 2005

Jan 1st
New Year...
Another horrible year
Well my celebration...

Cuts and scratches
Burns galore
Everytime you hurt me
I hurt myself more

Times have changed
Now it's just me...
Reliving my memories
No real, present pain anymore...
Least I hope not
Well I'll continue to torture myself
Happy New Years everyone...

Jan 3rd
I'm going to type up my vacation...
Once I get time
y'all know I went to Cali
Or least you should have
heh
My first night back...
I woke up from a horrible dream
I woke up paranoid
Checked my door to make sure it was locked
In the dream I was being chased
And attacked...
It was horrible...
And yesterday...
I realized my mom was in my purse
Moving stuff around
So I got mad
And I don't know how it turned out the way it did...
But we ended up talking about my dad
I was shocked that she kept all that stuff from me
I'm 18, I should be able to handle the truth
And not the sugar-coated lies that she told me before
I don't see how she survived
If it was me...
Heh, I would have taken the easy way out
But that's me
Wow... I still can't believe that...
The truth is scary and it takes time to digest
Well...I'm gonna go...
Gonna read up on some depressing stuff
Like I need it, heh
Ciao pplz

Jan 11th
"Ciao pplz"
So casual
Like I was gonna type again the next day
It's been a while
And the thing that's got me typing tonight...
More depression...
I went a long time
(In my opinion)
Without this shit again
Like most times, I don't know wtf went wrong
I was so happy about a game I was playing
And... idk... something just hit me
I wish I knew wtf it was
Then I could avoid it in the future
But then part of me would think...
If you knew... you'd go for it, not avoid it
and another part...
Well she just doesn't give a fuck
She's the one I usually listen to
I'd rather hear someone who doesn't care...
Then someone who wants me to die
Well both of those someones are me
So it doesn't matter
Nothing does really... does it?
In the end I'm alone because of stupid choices...
Because of lack of trust
Because of fear
Because of pain
Becuase of stupidity
My stupidity
Stupid...
Go cut some more you stupid bitch
Yeah you heard me...
If it makes you feel better, the world's a sham
And it's NOT for your benefit
Don't even think that
You die... and what?
A few people irl would care
The rest would pretend or think it was for the best
Others... online...
Well not that many anymore
Just a select few that actually greet you
A few that actually care or at least pretend to
Other then those pitiful exceptions...
Nothing would change much
Give it a little time and other people
More important, better looking, more intelligent people will take your place
So don't sweat it
If you feel like it... cut
If you feel like it... cut deeper
If you feel like it... reach that vein
Let that ugly blood of yours free from that ugly body of yours
The tears you cried will probably be more then theirs
For only you truly wanted to live
Yet you let emotion, or lack of it overcome you
You gave into the voice in the back of your head
And died
And only a few cried
Bye Bianca, you may be missed for a while...

Jan14th
Nothing...

My three favorite books are:
1) Nature's End by Whitley Strieber and James Kunetka
2) Roadwork by Richard Bachman/Stephen King
3) The Book of Shadows by James Reese

That's all I wanted to type
;[

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