September 2001

Update - September 30, 2001
I recently took a break from EverQuesting to download several ROMs and play them on my emulaters. Some of them were fun, some of them were stupid, and some of them were just ridiculous. Rather than writing full reviews on them, since I didn't feel like playing most of them for very long, I'll just give you the gist of the cream of the crop.

Shatterhand: A standard side-scroller in which you beat up people/barrels/walls with your invincible fists. The thing that separates this game from other sidescrollers is variety of RoboBuddies^TM you can get, which follow you around and attack when you attack, ranging from the worthless "robotic flying torso with a sword" to the ultra-cool "robotic flying torso with a laser sniper rifle."

Magic of Scheherazade: A crappy Zelda clone set in "Arabia." The game mostly consists of vainly trying to find monsters to kill for some money and listening to a blue fox in pantaloons tell you what to do. The fox suggests that you talk to the villages almost every damn screen, despite the fact that the villagers are even more useless than in most RPGs. You are asked repeatedly whether or not you want to actually save the world, but refusing doesn't let you quit the game, so I can't really say why the characters bother asking this question when they won't take "no" for an answer.

The 7^th Saga: An uninspired RPG notable only for the fact that you can choose from a variety of characters to start with, not only including your typical warrior, dwarf, elf, and cleric, but also an alien, a demon, and a robot. Sadly to say, the robot isn't all that good.

Blackthorne: It's like Flashback, without the fun or intricate control. The only aspect to recommend this over Flashback is the fact that you can kill the prisoners you're trying to rescue with your shotgun and you aren't penalized. This, my friends, is entertainment.

Mind Mirror: Actually an old computer game downloaded elsewhere. This is the only game written by Timothy Leary, the pyschologist who couldn't help Pete Townsend either. It's less a game than an interesting toy written with 70's style "humor" that allows you to contrast the personalities of Grand Admiral Thrawn with Frodo Baggins, though I'm not entirely sure how that helps you in life.

Update - September 24, 2001
Yes, I know I'm going to Hell for the crap I keep spewing out. I just can't help myself, the juxtaposition these comics contain are just too good to resist. Or maybe I'm a horrible person.
The greatest threat, of course, is that, because of these comics, I get classified as one of "those" people, who have weird colored hair, hate Jesus, and wear sunglasses inside. I don't do any of those, except for that last thing, because sunglasses make me look cool, and if you don't look cool, how are you supposed to impress the babes? It's a pretty obvious solution, and I can't understand why more people don't wear sunglasses all the time. But then again, maybe I'm just cooler than other people.

Update - September 21, 2001
As you may know, President Bush delivered a list of demands to the Taliban last night, and, not surprisingly, the Taliban responded with a big, fat, Fuck You. Bush's mistake, of course, was that he is not a person that is respected by the Taliban. Given their love of beards, I believe that the Taliban would have been more likely to go along with the demands had they been delivered by ZZ Top.
Think about it for a moment, if you will. ZZ Top are perhaps the only Americans with longer, more luxurious beards than the Taliban, and as we all know, crazy Muslim extremists respect beards above anything else. By delivering the demands hidden in the lyrics of one of their catchy, smooth songs that just make you want to dance, ZZ Top would have had a great chance to convince the Taliban to do whatever they wanted. Who knows? Maybe their trademark rock/blues synthesis would catch on in the Middle East, leading Muslims everywhere to realize that every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
In the interest of ensuring my own place in Hell, I made another comic. Read it and tell me how much God hates me.

Update - September 18, 2001
I've been in a right peachy mood lately, possibly because I've been getting my requisite five hours a day of EverQuest. Whatever the reason, I was suddenly struck with the desire to fuck around with Paint Shop Pro and make some new monstrosity with which to embarass myself. Being a fan of webcomics, I couldn't help but create my own version of webcomicry. Being a complete asshole, I also couldn't help but mock a popular childrens' cartoon. Call me cruel, call me evil, call me profane, but I think it's a pretty funny image.

Update - September 11, 2001
There's not a lot I have to say. Read and learn, and pray to whatever force you believe in that everything works out.
My friend posed the question "Why would something like this happen?" The answer, like many others, comes to us from the great Bob Dylan: "You don't count the bodies with God on your side." That's it for me. Go be with friends and loved ones.

Update - September 3, 2001
For some reason that I have yet to determine, pro wrestling has gone from "mildly popular" to "fairly popular" in the past two decades. While I don't watch it, I am well aware of its effects on the populace. Since I always try to appeal to the lowest common denominator, I have assembled some information regarding the background of some of today's most popular (re: still living) wrestlers.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Perhaps the most popular wrestler currently, and one of the men who revitalized pro wrestling. As the 80s came to a close, it was people like Steve Austin who brought it back from it's apparent demise. Austin is aptly named, as the adjective phrase "Stone Cold" refers to the temperature of his flesh. He is actually a zombie, the reanimated dead, who was brought back from eternity by a voodoo priest who dreamt of an army of evil warriors at his bidding. Austin is only the first of many monstrous, undead entertainers we will see in the coming years.

The Rock: Though something of a latecomer, The Rock has captured the hearts of wrestling fans in a way that few have managed. His chiseled good looks, suave personality, and the fact that he talks in third person are his greatest weapons; he doesn't need to win matches to get fans. His moniker is closer to real life than you think, as The Rock is actually an animated state, a golem if you will, made of solid stone. He was once worshipped as a god by the Mayan people, but now, in this secular age, he is worshipped by primitives of a different nature.

Mankind: Mankind is one of the few wrestlers to totally change his look during his career. In the 80s, he was known as The Ultimate Warrior, but after a decade of mockery at the hands of people like "Ravishing" Ric Flair and Jake "The Snake" Roberts (both of whom swear they aren't gay), the warrior retired for a number of years. Eventually, though, the thrill of a completely staged competition of power brought him back for another go, but he changed his shtick to something he hopes is less embarassing.

"Hollywood" Hogan: Back in the 80s, Terry "Hulk" Hogan was the world heavyweight champion, known for his incredible feats of strength, such as tearing off his paper-thin shirt before each match. The reason for his name change is two-fold; First, he learned that Marvel Comics had a character named The Hulk, and he didn't want to be connected with an ugly, mindless monster who glorifies violence, and second, he and the wrestler "Macho Man" Randy Savage have always been in competition to see who could sell out the most, and so far, Savage has been unable to counter his new strategy.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading that more than I enjoyed writing it. Just in case you didn't, you can read about how the Kool-Aid Man ate your balls. I should be ashamed of myself.