Chapter 24

Todd found himself swept away in a flood of emotion, the few times he had become this worked up, his chest would ache like it was being crushed but this was so much worse.

This time his whole body felt like it was tearing apart and his head felt like it would explode at any moment as his temples throbbed. 

It was as if every brutality he had ever suffered was made fresh, every slur or cruel and painful remark struck those same tender targets, as they played over in his mind and rang in his ears

He felt it all at once…his brain felt like it was going to split in two, the old festering hurts  ripped open and bled fresh pain, the physical as well as the more damaging emotional injuries. Like endless waves, everything he avoided thinking about, hid from or stuffed deep inside crashed over him:  the fear of abandonment, rejection, the pain from Stan’s contempt  and drunken tempers, and worse,  the cruel mind games and his voice, telling Todd over and over how stupid, puny and useless he was, fear that Stan was right about him, who he was and would always be.

 Words like, moron, retard, idiot, ugly, punk, waste of time, stupid, fuck up…rang in his ears as if they were not just ghostly words from the past but being shouted at him in the present.  It hurt, Jared sitting next to him, close and comforting hurt …all of it hurt, bad.

Today really got to Todd,  to see what kind of life he might have had…if someone ever gave a shit about him…if his mom…Todd’s mind would not wrap around any thoughts of his mother. Those were the most painful yet, still so raw. Today Jan made him feel like he was some one’s son…almost.  No one called him those names or beat him down …or beat him at all.  In fact he only got into trouble for being down himself…not for freaking out or even getting in a fight, though it was made crystal clear that next time would be different…just his attitude and temper earned him some of Brian’s stern attention; bad as that was, Todd felt oddly cared about …why couldn’t he have had a childhood like Jamie’s?  Todd was brutally aware of being caught up in the useless loop of “why and what if” and how dumb it was to freak out over a good time, something he never allowed before and feared for this reason. It was a waste and served no purpose. It only hurt him.

 Still it gnawed on him…what was wrong with him that he was never protected….protected from assholes like Stan.

He got his answer as visions of Stan standing over him sneering: again the words pounding in his ears, mental images as clear and terrifying as if the man stood before him resurrected.

 Pressing his hands to his head as if it could somehow block what was inside, Todd tried to coil in on himself like a ball and rocked as he whispered the mantra of self loathing and hate…he parroted Stan’s voice.

”Pussy, moron, stupid, retard, fuck-up, little punk…”

Jared sat in quiet misery as Todd rocked himself in agitation, the hateful words drifted up from his bent head to his ears, his own heart breaking as he got a real understanding of what Todd’s childhood had been like.

                “Shhh…no Todd…that is Stan’s garbage.” 

 Placing a hand on the boys hunched shoulders only made Todd more agitated, with a gentle squeeze, Jared removed the offending hand.

                “Todd?...Shhh…quiet…listen to me now.”

Todd did not look up but he stopped his rocking, and all that Jared could hear was the boys hitched breathing.

“No one here is calling you those names Todd. No one is going to. They are lies; do you hear me? You are none those things Todd…Todd was wrong.

Jared ran a hand over the bent head and cupped the tense neck affectingly.

Todd looked up. Memories of Stan blurred as Jared’s features came back into focus.  Those dammed, eyes, deep green, reflecting concern and warmth.

Before, Todd had always been able to find ways to stuff the pain deep inside.  He had learned ways, little tricks over the years to not look back, move past or just plain move when emotions built up to the point of discomfort or pain.  Todd could not do that now…he had let this go too far, he could not stop himself.

In a panic he tried to get himself to grey out, to go numb, Todd did not want to feel what was happening.  A heavy darkness was pulling him under. His lungs burned and breathing became hitched.

Fearing he would drown as the rip tide of feelings pulled him under, Todd sought out the only rock that could keep him from drowning.  He didn’t have the words to express what he needed, but he knew he needed Jared to be close. As he allowed the tears to come, afraid of his own emotions Todd reached out a blind hand, slowly in Jared’s direction.

Jared watched in hopeful, disbelieve as Todd’s hand lifted tentatively. Fingers stretched to search him out. Todd’s touch was hesitant at first when the boy’s hand made contact, then Todd roughly grabbed a fist full of Jared’s flannel shirt and held on with white knuckled desperation. Jared covered that fist with his own warm hand while his other reached over to run over Todd’s bowed head.

“That’s it Todd…I’m here…your safe…it’s safe now…I’ve got you…you can let it go now…you’re not alone Todd.”

Trying to see through the tears that blinded him, Todd fought them even as he allowed them. He was torn between the need to fall apart and the need to stay controlled behind his wall. Todd shook his head and tried to tell Jared that it was useless, that crying now would not do any good that he was too far gone for any of this…but it was too late, he could not stop the tears that choked and burned his throat as he argued against their need. He tried to shake it off, as his shoulders shrugged off Jared’s comfort with irritation but still he kept a tight grip on Jared’s shirt. Several deep breaths meant to brace himself and gain back control failed miserably as Todd broke into silent sobs.

Strong arms gently gathered Todd’s ridged frame in a fierce embrace and rocked the boy in time to the rhythm of the emotions shaking the smaller body.

                “What’s the point?...I’m too fucked-up (choke) Jared…I’m too fucked-up.”

 Todd gave into a moment’s panic as he felt the demons, the things he has spent years avoiding or hiding from, come out of their cages.  The sensation was like suffocating or drowning…air was becoming alarmingly thin as he struggled against the loose hold Jared had on him; the last of his resistance was feeble at best, as bitter self-recriminations and choked curses erupted briefly, and when that failed to regain his control, Todd gave up completely.

“Aw, Todd…it’s not your fault. You’re not fucked-up…you’re not and you’re the point.

Todd let out a long string of expletives that made Jared flinch at how hateful Todd could be, especially inwardly, though some were aimed at him personally. Jared was grateful Brian was not here…some of the words Todd was shouting at him, Jared had never even used himself…. Todd seemed to know all of them and several in other languages. Jared took no offense and let Todd expel his emotions in the form in which they manifested, mainly anger and tears. 

This lasted a while until the anger was used up and a false calmness came over Todd but his tight posture and the lack of humor in his wet eyes gave him away. Todd tried a weak attempt at his trademark wise-ass role. He felt embarrassed at his display of emotions in front of Jared. The man must think he was a basket case. Todd sat up away from Jared, wiping his eyes and nose with the bottom of his shirt, looking not at Jared, but at some point over his shoulder…faking eye contact and a show of all is well.

“There I’m all better now…really….yeah, it’s been a slice…let’s do this again soon, say next millennium…can I go now?”

Jared shook his head…only his boy…his boy?  Not stopping his train of thought to study that closer, Jared kept his mind on Todd’s needs right now.

Only Todd could crack, wise ass remarks in the middle of a mental melt down…he was learning that it was another of Todd’s little tricks, to hide …one of his better and less damaging tricks, but still just more camouflage.

“Nah dude…I’m fine…really (sniff) it’s all good…gravy…little lumpy but still gravy dude”

Jared watched as Todd fought to paste back on his face, that cold, “I’m fine, nothing matters” face.

Not about to let Todd back down now, Jared’s deep rich voice hid his amusement at Todd’s thinly veiled retreat under his sarcasm as he applied some pressure.

“Not buying that…what’s going on…talk to me.”

Still unsure of what was behind all of this upset…all Jared knew was that Todd was upset and said it was because of today at Brian’s, but Jared was not buying that.  This was much deeper than that. This was very old pain Todd was immersed in. Something triggered Todd and Jared was determined to find out what and get the boy though if not past it.

“Todd I don’t understand why a nice day with Brian and Jan is such a bad thing. Did something else happen between you and...?”

Todd shook his head as he ground the heals of his hands into red watery eyes.

“I’m fine…okay…just fucked-up…it’s my fault, you don’t understand…I’ll get over it I always do.”

It was a lie, many times Todd never got over things, just packed them away deep inside. Jared was not fooled or put off.

Clamping a firm hand behind Todd’s bent neck Jared gave him a gently shake.

“C’mon Todd…no hiding…no running… it’s not your fault…you’re not fucked-up, Todd, you hear me?...you’re not fucked-up, and your not getting over it by shutting down or shutting me out.  I can’t understand if you don’t take a risk and talk to me. Trust me a little here, huh?”

There was no pity reflecting back, nor that weird look he’d get…from the few he’s told this stuff to...they’d give him pep talks or worse that sad sort of face that showed how really little they understood when he would argue his point on blame.  Jared was saying all that had been said before, but there was some power to the old words.  Perhaps it was the naked confidence in which Jared spoke them. What ever it was, it got to Todd. He opened his mouth to tell Jared to get over it, and lay off, but instead, he faltered under the soft green gaze.

Tears burned and flooded, pushing past the bravado, the anger, pain and self denial...past tightly closed eyes, quietly at first,  building up into the heart-broken sobs of a young boy so terribly wronged and hurt by those that where supposed to love and protect him.

“That’s it, let it go…yeah that’s it …okay…its okay…I love you Todd…I’ve got ya.”

Unprepared for the tender words and the rush of feelings they brought, Todd shoved the new aside and only dealt with the old bitterness exploding in his brain.

 “(choke) Fuck you Jared and your whole fucking family…I hate you! (choke) I…fucking hate you for this”

Jared did not take offence to the spite that was flung at him…he knew it was the last of Todd’s resistance crumbling.

“Aw fuck!...why me?!”

Todd shouted angrily amidst painful anguished sobs.

That was the worst of it for Jared. He was unable to understand it himself. How could any one do those things to a child? Doing that to an adult would be beyond his comprehension but treating a kid like that was beyond the scope of his mind.

“Why…why me….why, what the fuck did I do?….I mean…fuck…I was just a fucking kid.”

Todd’s words were barely discernable as he pleaded with eyes that were filled it such pain tears burning behind Jared’s own eyes. It was becoming more clear to Jared, what ever Todd felt today at Brian’s, it had trigged a landslide of pent up emotions…long overdue to Jared’s thinking.

“This is so fucked! Can you fucking tell me what I did wrong…was I born with a fucking ‘shit on me’ sign?...I mean what the fuck!?”

Todd demanded Jared for answers. Jared had no answers for the boy but he told Todd over and over that he did nothing wrong, he was not to blame. Jared repeated over and over that he was here now and in charge, and no one would ever hurt him like that again. His arms crushed Todd to him as if to protect him from the past and he swore vile consequences on any that would try to harm Todd in the future.

“Aw Todd, you did nothing wrong…”

“Yeah? Well fuck you! You weren’t there…you don’t …(choke) know shit…you don’t know me…believe me you don’t’ fuck’n want to.”

Jared ignored the bait in Todd’s outbursts that swung chaotically from anger to despair. Jared modified his support between hugging the kid and then when Todd tried fighting Jared’s embrace giving some slack.  Jared continued speaking gentle, tender, loving words, repeating it as a litany as Todd worked through his misery.

“No Todd I was not there….but I do know you … you are a good person, a person I love a lot Todd.”

“NO! Don’t!...don’t…I’ll just fuck you up too. . Stan knew….he saw it… I am not a nice person Jared….I…”

Jared gave Todd a slight shake and held Todd close, the rest of Todd’s words were too choked to be understood.

  “Too bad; too late kiddo; I do love ya and I’ll take whatever, if any, risk there is. Stan was an asshole and a blind one. He was the one that was fucked up Todd.”

Clasping Todd’s face firmly between large warm hands, Jared forced eye contact.

“I do see you Todd, and I don’t see any of that crap…just YOU. Stan was the one that was messed up….you cant take that on…you don’t own it. I won’t let you steal that blame. ”

Todd had tried and failed to shake off Jared’s persistence; in true tank fashion Todd was not let off the hook as the tank offered no mercy from the emotions that were taking over.

Jared’s words were a direct hit to Todd’s resistance. He leaned into the Tank as if too tired to sit up straight. Jared held him tight as sneeze like sounds came from the boy, his shoulders shook from sobs deep inside as they worked there way to the surface. Todd’s emotional watch dogs were kicked aside by the force of the pain that had been kept locked up for so long.                                                                                                                  

Jared had seen the boy torn up before but not like this; there were no silent ghostly tears this time. Jared had become accustomed to them. No, this time instead, came harsh, loud tears, as Todd laid bare his soul and began to weep for all the damage inflicted upon it.

                “Yeah Todd, that’s it…let it out boy. It’s okay here, it’s just us here…just you and me… this is a safe place Todd…let it all go.”

Todd did!  He was broken wide open inside now and could not put himself back together if his life depended upon it.

Jared had expected the same fight with Todd tonight,…the usually painful pulling out of very little information, temper to be sure and perhaps a few tears  but he never dared to hope for such an open display, it was very much not Todd’s way of dealing.

 Sending a silent prayer of thanks and guidance, Jared kept his hold on the younger man.  Todd cried out gut wrenching sobs that after a while had him hyperventilating and choking.                                                                                                                                                    

Todd suddenly felt that detached sensation as he began to gray out and go numb, his face felt hot and his limbs had that tingle buzz-like feeling. Gratefully, Todd felt like he was floating away from himself and all this upset, as if he were watching from outside his body.  Some calm part of him watched in fascination as he had what looked like to him like a breakdown of sorts.  Disembodied as he was, Todd had no control as this “stuff” literally poured out of him both in sweat, tears and incoherent ranting.

Todd cringed, as his detached self watched as he bawled in Jared’s arms in a manner he could not remember ever doing before. It was hard to watch and be unable to stop himself.

Todd even cried out at one point for his mother. Never has he done that…not so that others could hear anyway and not in many years.

Unexpectedly he was jerked back to himself and felt everything in a rush. It was too much; he was going to be sick with it.

        “I’m gonna be sick!”                                                                                                                               

Todd’s temples pounded, his mind about to explode.  Suddenly his body felt like it splintered apart as his insides protested the eruption of his stomach, like thousands of paper cuts across his back and shoulders as his muscles rebelled against his stomachs eruption. Jared very nearly did not grab the wastebasket that sat next to the couch in time as Todd’s body rid itself of his supper. His humiliation now complete, Todd cried harder in between heaves, his brain felt so swollen and painful he could swear it tried to leak out his ears. Jared was becoming very alarmed at the near hysteria that had a grip of the boy. Todd retched until he thought he was going to die. Jared left Todd’s side only long enough to go grab a large bottle of drinking water and some washcloths. Todd never even knew Jared left his side until the cold touch of a cloth pressed against the back of his neck and another to his forehead supporting him as his stomach emptied. Jared made soothing noises to try and calm Todd down.

When Todd’s stomach had nothing left to give, the boy curled up in a tight fetal position on the study’s floor and continued to sob helplessly. Jared pulled the stiff youth into the cradle of his lap. Todd’s face was a mess of tears, snot and sick, but to Jared he never looked so vulnerable and young, now shed of his hostile, frozen façade.

Todd’s face contorted with painful effort, momentarily, as he fought back sobs still expanding in his chest only to give up and choke out more tears.

                “Aw fuck…Jared…I…”

Unable to voice his fear and just how badly he did not want to cry any more or ever, Todd was once more caught up in another wave of tears. Jared lovingly wiped Todd’s face clean with the soothing cool cloth, careful of the bruises. Jared gently pulled the bandage off of Todd’s cheek it was only hanging on by one side, easily giving way from the clammy skin.

                “Shhh it’s okay, you’re okay Todd…don’t fight it.”

Once Jared had the younger man’s face cleaned up he urged Todd to rinse out his mouth. Jared was obeyed robotically. There seemed no end in sight to Todd’s tears; they would dry, only to spring back to life seconds later. Jared gathered the upset boy back to him and continued to rock Todd who clung to him as if his life depended upon it, his face buried in the dark softness of Jared’s shirt. Todd’s normal reaction to upset was to shove away any overtures, most times violently. Right now he had a death grip on Jared.

Feeling very unstable and exposed, Todd allowed Jared’s comforting as he buried his face against the tight stomach muscles under the soft flannel of Jared’s large shirt.

Only mildly successful in calming Todd, Jared held and rubbed Todd’s back in an effort to sooth and comfort. Todd was no longer sobbing uncontrollably, but still the tears choked his breathing, making it short and shallow, with sobs coming in rapid hiccups, close again to hyperventilating.

“Shhh, easy now Todd. Breath deeper…c’mon that’s it Todd, good, good. Shhh okay, okay, I’ve got you. You’re all right; I’ve got ya, that’s it.”

Like a mantra Jared kept up his litany of soothing words and gently rocking Todd. Willing him to breathe deepc but the kid’s upset only seemed to be increasing.

Becoming alarmed now, Jared needed to calm Todd down or risk the kid getting sick again. It had been close to four hours now that he and Todd were waging this emotional battle, and the crying, bordering on hysterics, was now beyond healthy release.

Todd was scared; panic crept up his spine; he could not stop crying;his feelings were so big and real, they were swallowing him, but so were the arms that held him still and up against a warm body, easing the panic and stifling not only the instinct to run but the ability. He was painfully aware of how he must look.  Here he was a grown man or close enough to being one, and he was practically cradled in Jared’s lap like a baby. Conscious enough of how he should feel about it, Todd just did not have the energy to care at this moment about anything but being held. It felt so good being held, touched…there were no threats or expectations… fresh tears fell down his cheeks, stinging the raw skin, it had  been so long since he felt this…wanted…cared-for…safe…. There was another word for it, but he still feared it too much to acknowledge .

Unable to stop his crying and too far gone now to care about any  manly pride he still might have, Todd just lay in Jared’s arms and cried brokenly.

Jared, concerned by the dark despair Todd locked in, decided he had to intervene. Regrettably he had to move the boy to do that.

 Todd felt himself be maneuvered away from the safety of Jared’s arms.

                “No, no…not….not yet…pleeeeease.”

Todd’s voice just a husky thread of if former quality, complained plaintively as the warmth of Jared’s arms left him.

Jared stood up raising Todd’s slack form with him. Todd was so deep in misery that he was only vaguely aware of being pulled to his feet and then half carried half lead down the hall to the bath room. Humiliation tried to push it’s way in but the warmth of Jared’s arms around him burned his mortification back to ashes…promising himself to be pissed and embarrassed later Todd leaned against the iron body and breathed in the tang of Jared and some mild spice sent unmistakenly male and unique to the tank alone.

Jared sat Todd down on the padded seat of the toilet and started a hot bath. As an after thought he added some herbal salts. The room was soon enveloped in thick steam, heavily scented with lavender and sandalwood. The salts were a home made gift from Meg last Christmas.

 Jared turned back to Todd and stripped the lifeless, youth of his sweats and t-shirt and helped him in to the tub as copious amounts of tears still leaked out of dark eyes.

Picking up the wash cloth Jared stripped out of his shirt and jeans to avoid becoming wet himself as he then dipped the wash rag in the hot water and then ran it over the younger mans shoulders, neck and upper body. His heart ached when Todd flinched away from his touch. It was an automatic response.  He knew that and did not take it personally, but it did hurt his heart that this boy he had grown to love so much had such trouble accepting even the simplest forms of comfort and intimacy, though this was very intimate and normally would have been a huge intrusion. Whenever Todd was upset or put in a situation where he was not the driver but the passenger, Todd’s first instinct was to pull away, quite often a hostile retreat; this time he was almost lifeless as he sat hugging his knees in the tub.  Soaking the cloth Jared let the hot water pour from it over Todd’s head and shoulders, down his chest and stiff arms.  It pained him to see the slight purpling of bruises already beginning to appear on Todd’s chest. These, the boy had inflicted on himself. He would be more diligent in the future against the boy’s fits of temper aimed within; Jared frowned as he swore an oath to himself to keep watch.

Jared tenderly soaped and rinsed Todd’s back, neck and chest, then gently ordered Todd to clean more private areas. Todd obeyed mindlessly as he sat sniveling in the hot water.

It took reheating the water twice to get Todd to relax and calm down in to intermittent tears. Sobs no longer tested the bathrooms acoustics, just the frequent hiccups.

Jared had resumed his massaging with the wash cloth. Todd made some weak, remarks about becoming a human stewed prune but did not try to get out. 

Once reasonably sure Todd would be okay if left alone, Jared decided to break out an old family remedy for such occasions.

                “Todd…I’ll be right back…don’t move.”

Trying to formulate a smart remark at Jared’s lame comment Todd nodded miserably, still too choked up for speech. Settling for rolling his bloodshot eyes and a rude noise, he got a chuckle from Jared.

                “Right…duh…stupid statement…sorry.”

 Todd did not want Jared to leave him but had a few shreds of pride that kept him from pleading not to be left alone.

                “You just relax and soak in here. Back in a sec.”

Jared spontaneously placed a kiss on the top of Todd’s head and placed the wash rag over the boys eyes before he hurried almost at a run to the kitchen leaving the bathroom door wide open in case of trouble. Digging in the cupboards he worked fast as he prepared a hot drink.

The recipe had been handed down in his family for colds, coughs and stress. A concoction of herb tea, with lots of honey, lemon and a moderate dram of good, Tennessee whisky.

Jared felt a moments hesitation before he took a healthy swig off the whisky bottle. Its burn was a welcome brace as he fought down his own emotions. Brian would have his hide if he saw this, Jared grinned guiltily to himself. His older brother took a hard line when it came to drinking. Though he doubted even Brian would hold this against him, given the circumstance so he indulged a small glass.

Jared worked fast as he ignored his shaking hands. Keeping one ear straining on the hallway for any sounds of distress. Just muffled sniffles and the odd cough was all that could be heard. Jared did feel some encouragement by the return of Todd’s own brand of humor…odd and ill timed as always was, not to mention mostly self debasing.

Jared, close to bawling himself, took a couple more sips from the whisky and tried to steady his hands and rein in his hatred for those that had brutalized the soul of this boy. The need to strike out at them was nearly more than he could control…never before had he felt such anger and hatred at another human being. If there were ever a need for time travel….  Shoving aside the wasted thoughts, he shelved his own emotions for a later more appropriate time and a promised date with a punching bag later.  Jared rushed to set up a tray of mugs and a thermos of the hot drink and a pot of coffee for himself. Arranging them in the living room by the fireplace, he then hurried back to the bathroom.

Todd sat in the tub not quite able to take in all that had happed today. Feeling anxious under every thing he was experiencing, it was overwhelming and he did not like it.  He tried hard, but could not kill the fear that crept into his stomach at being left alone. Every noise or shadow made him jumpy. Where moments ago the bathroom felt huge as he sat in the tub, feeling very much like a little kid, small and focusing on calming himself, Todd could hear Jared slamming stuff around in the kitchen.  He knew he was not really alone, yet he felt that way.  And when upset like this, weak and vulnerable and very much afraid of himself, the dark thoughts came.  Turning the taps on full hot, Todd relished the burn of the water as it stung his legs and this hands as the scalding water turned his skin red, he was on the edge again…it had been a while…rubbing his arm in agitation at phantom itches that made his skin crawl with all he was feeling, tears returned, cloinged his chest and making breathing hard.  Frantic rubbing became scratching and the scratching changed to digging at tender skin. There was almost no pain, and what pain could be felt was a welcoming balm against the rising panic.

Jared walked in just as Todd was about to give in to panic and was already shaking as he sat in the scalding water. 

                “How we doin’n Todd?.”

Todd jumped at Jared’s voice and looked up at the big man with embarrassment for the emotional state he was in and yet he suffered an enormous rush of childish relief at Jared’s return and oddly at the same time a very adult appreciation for the bare chested man standing tall over him in just his boxers. He could see the confusion and worry in Jared’s eyes. The man must think he’s got some freak on his hands now. Emotions overriding other thoughts, Todd tried uselessly to wipe away his tears.

                “I’m…(choke) I’m….ugh… such a pussy…”

Jared shook his head at the boy and helped him out of the tub and swiftly grabbed a towel and began to briskly rub Todd’s trembling body. Frowning at the bright red skin and the new red welts on Todd’s arms, chest and upper shoulders, even inner thighs, obviously from scratching, he instantly brushed off the disturbing for the more comfortable explanation of sensitivity to the overly hot water and salts.

“

“I can’t ( Hic) stop….sorry.”

Jared frowned at Todd. Damn but the kid could be so hard on himself. He gave Todd a firm shake to gain his attention.

“Who’s asking you to?…so knock that crap off Todd, it’s all right. Hey, it’s okay nothing to apologize for, you needed it…no shame in it…not here…not with me…not with anyone.”

Todd was wrapped with a huge fluffy towel. Strong hands rubbed him firmly all over.

Jared knelt to better dry Todd’s shorter body.

Todd needed to stop this; he could not…he wanted to go back. He did not like this open, exposed feeling at all.  Better to feel like shit than feel….he was not sure he had a name for it. Feeling that heaviness inside was horrible but at least familiar, this was new and Todd did not do new things or change well, if at all.

 Todd, through flooded eyes, stared at the blonde head bent under his chin.  Powerful feelings, scary feelings shoved to the front of his mind. Looking up, green eyes locked on to Todd. There was still no pity or disgust in them, only concern and perhaps something else more compelling.  What ever it was, as a creature of rash impulse, Todd gave into it. His hands grabbed a hold of the back of Jared’s head firmly. Almost brutally, his fingers raked into the thick golden mane as he leaned down and latched his mouth on to Jared’s. Turbulent emotions raged within, fired by both passion and panic. Todd forced open the mouth slack with surprise and his tongue darted in and began its assault on Jared’s senses.

Stunned by Todd’s unexpected advance, Jared sucked in air, froze where he knelt, unsure what to do.

Todd, sensing Jared’s reluctance, became more aggressive, more desperate.  He deepened the kiss; his lips pressed hard against Jared’s ignoring the sting of his split and brutalized lip. Todd’s tongue probed deeper, touching and tasting every tooth and texture of the tanks mouth unaware of the weakness he was causing in the man’s knees. There was a piquant taste to Jared’s mouth not unpleasant and slightly familiar.

                “You’ve been drinking.”

Todd stated without accusation, his raspy voice vibrated pleasantly against Jared’s lips. Todd’s tongue resumed its frantic mission to seek and destroy any opposition, causing Jared’s mind to shrivel from lack of blood. Man was given only enough blood to fuel one brain at a time.

Jared felt his body respond, his pulse pounded and roared in his ears. Todd’s hot tongue and tearful eyes were a dangerous combination. Fire and ice, Todd was a paradox.

Tears still rolled down the younger man’s face even as his ardor increased. Todd’s technique needed work. He was awkward and a little sloppy, completely artless. That can be fixed Jared thought from someplace removed from the back of his mind. Jared snapped out of those thoughts and pulled back from the temptation to educate Todd on the finer points of kissing. He had to stop this and soon.

Resisting his own urges to finish what Todd was starting. Jared kept his responses minimal but did not break it off immediately. Truth be told, he felt the same passion that Todd was demonstrating how ever clumsily. Jared did not have the heart to reject the hurting youth, not again, not now, not ever. Todd would take it wrong like the times before. Yet he could not let this continue as badly as he wished otherwise.  Even though the boy was calming down some, the kissing caused some deeper if not heavy breathing on both men’s part, that could only be a good thing. This was not the time. It smacked too much of taking advantage, even abuse, and that he would never allow. Todd had had enough of that but he had also had more than enough of rejection in his short little lifetime. 

Jared slowly pulled away and stood up when Todd’s hand groped for his boxers opening. Hurt and anger reflected in the dark brown eyes.

Todd turned his head away to hide his face, stung by what he took as being rejected… again. Jared did not miss the flexing of arms as fists clenched.

Todd was lost to what he was feeling, what ever it was it…it hurt so bad. Jared did not want him…why would he…fucked-up as he was ….who could….

 Warm hands grasped him on either side of his head and tiled his face up.

“No you’re wrong Todd. What ever is going on behind those brown eyes…you have it all wrong sport.”

Todd closed his eyes to hide the hurt, he could not make himself look Jared in the face, to keen was his humiliation. 

A sob of surprise escaped, as firm lips pressed tenderly against Todd sore ones, then to his forehead and back to his lips in a longer kiss. It stole any power his hurt and anger had…all thought evaporated from Todd’s mind, his only focus was the sudden heat that flooded his body. A pleasant heat.

Jared began covering Todd’s face in quick kisses that were neither chaste nor passionate, just the short little pecks one got when wanting to extend a make out session. His big hands kneading tense muscles.

Todd’s disappointment was acute; Jared was obviously ending any further kissing.  Stubbornly Todd refused smiles. Testing Jared to see if he was just patronizing him, Todd would intermittently reach up and kiss Jared and then wait and study his response.

Very aware of being tested and the distrust Todd was displaying, Jared returned each kiss fully with honest, if detached, affection, as he bundled his charge up in the thick robe hanging by the shower.

Jared carefully saw to nursing Todd’s face. He put antiseptic ointment and a fresh bandage on the scrape that marred the high cheekbone. It was oozing and puffy still but did not look like it would scar, Jared made a note to keep a close eye on it. A tube of some mystery ointment was used to treat the wounds Todd inflicted on his lips…especially the lower one…large raw areas where he had literally removed skin layers bled freely in places and the smaller ones spilt and bled repeatedly.  Carefully as he could Jared dabbed the medication on the lip, scowling at the self inflicted damage. In the back of his mind a troubling question began to percolate but Jared shoved it away as he focused on this task first.

Todd tried not to show how much discomfort he felt at being doctored by Jared. He already was having trouble with the way he had fallen apart and the embarrassment of not only the tears that started anew and rolled down his face but also having his wounds taken care of for him…, especially the ones he inflicted himself. Never had he allowed anyone this intimacy or awareness. Shame and self disgust clawed at his insides. Todd could not help flinch as the ointment stung the raw and tattered skin.  Jared was not fooled by the new batch of tears Todd was trying to play off as part of the last few hours…he knew the boy well enough to know where they were coming from. Humiliation burned bright in the dark eyes that tried to hide from Jared’s steady gaze.

                “You can’t keep doing this Todd.”

Jared’s voice rumbled softly, quietly but there was that tone that made Todd’s belly, go all weird and tight.  It was all the man said and Todd had to fight down the urge to crumble and bawl…again… as Jared finished doctoring up Todd’s face as best he could. Then he concentrated on making sure Todd was bundled up snuggly in the robe and then he took another small jar down from the cabinet.  Jared met narrowed brown eyes.

                “What’s that?”

Todd’s voice croaked in distrust. Jared opened the jar and placed it under the boy’s nose. It had a pleasing sent to it, familiar.

                “Know what it is?”

                “Yeah…that wild yam shit.”

Jared flashed Todd a big tooth smile and chuckled warmly.

                “Yep. How’d you know? Ah. Let me guess…Clara?”

Rewarded by the shy twitch of Todd’s obviously sore lips, Jared knew he was right and placed the jar in the robes deep pocket.

                “Yeah she’s um…big into that granola shit.”

Guilt crashed in on him as he thought of the tough but kind elderly woman who befriended him in the desert. The one he had just checked out on. He could not say he did not look back; his mind never let him forget what a worthless asshole he was.  He thought of her often, and guilt and self disgust came with those thoughts.

Todd allowed himself to be led back to the living room. He was in no condition to complain at being treated as if he were Jamie’s age. He was settled in the large chair by the fireplace. Jared reached for the remote to turn on the gas flame and the room was soon filled with heat and a soft glow, as shadows danced in rhythm with the flames. Once Todd found a comfortable position in his chair, Jared poured and handed him a steaming cup and urged Todd take small sips. Jared left him alone returning moments later with a couple plates with some of Jan’s apple pie on it.

Todd stared off into the flames, still a battle for control raging inside, but he could not get a grip on his emotions. Todd would calm down and the tears would dry only for him to begin sniveling a few minutes later…his stomach hurt from it, his head pounded fiercely.  Still through it Jared urged him to drink between waves of what ever it was that had him.

The hot honeyed liquid Jared was making him down, tasted good, though it had a bitter bite to it at first and when he wrinkled his nose at the initial sip and would have set it away, Jared urged him to take deeper sips.

“What is this?”

Todd’s voice was hoarse and had a nasal quality now, the words shook with distrust and the effects of crying. Flinching at how he sounded, Todd repeated the question more firmly.  Jared smiled and lifted the cup to stubborn lips.

                “Tea…drink.”

Smooth skin puckered in a frown, not amused by Jared’s simplistic answer.

“Fine….It’s an old family secret, just hot tea and a little something you’re not old enough to have by yourself yet…now just drink.”

Green eyes bore into Todd’s with clear demands for obedience. Todd chose wisely and nodded his understanding. Soon the tea coated his throat in a tangy sweetness and the heat warmed and soothed his stomach as well as dulled the pounding in his head.

Todd polished off a full cup and half of his slice of pie that Jared had tried to choke down him.  It was too hard to eat when your heart was lodged in your throat, no matter how good it tasted. Todd did not have an appreciation for his favorite treat right then.

Jared watched Todd silently as he urged him like a mother hen, alternately between drinks and bites of pie. Todd’s eyes were blood shot and puffy. His bruises stood out in stark relief against his pale skin. The kid would stare off and appear to be calming down, then his eyes would flood again, seldom spilling over, but still to Jared it was plain Todd was still in the grips of painful thoughts.

 Painfully aware of being watched Todd squirmed in his chair. His eyes flickered nervously around not holding Jared’s penetrating warm gaze.

Unable to assimilate every thing he was feeling Todd responded the only way he knew how under it all, with anger.

“I’m not doing this… this crap, I ain’t sticking around for it…I don’t need your fucking pity…I ain’t no fuckin’ victim…so fuck off,  fuck this shit and fuck you!”

Raising an eyebrow at Todd’s weak bravado, Jared just lifted the mug in Todd’s hands to the mouth that quivered ever so slightly in the corner.

“Nope…not till you’re 18 and we know each other better”

Todd’s brow furrowed at Jared’s lame joke, he opened his mouth to speak. Jared shook his head, a silent command.

“Hey…shhh quiet…you’re not going anywhere and no one said you were a victim...Todd you’re a survivor and I’ve never seen you as anything less.”

Brown eyes glared steadily over the rim of the mug as Todd muttered.

                “Fuck’n right.”

Todd’s voice echoed sharply out of the half empty mug.

“Cool it on the lingo Todd…relax and don’t look for things that aren’t here…like pity…your confusing concern for pity. There is a difference and one of these days your eyes are gonna roll up like that and not come back…Ansley shut up and just drink your tea.”

Exhausted and shaky still, Todd glared at Jared hotly then settled back into the chair and sipped from his mug as he stared off into the flames of the fireplace.

Mentally taking notes, Jared studied all of the signs Todd was displaying of discomfort. The tight way he was hunched over, holding the folds of the huge robe like a security blanket, or how he hugged him self and rocked unaware he was doing so. Todd’s raw lips had a slight bluish tint  Jared had come to recognize as lack of air from breathing so shallow. What was probably the most telling sign of Todd’s state of mind, was what he did with his hands. 

As the boy stared off into nothing, dwelling on some inner thought he tested the tenderness of his lip which he had recently tried to pick apart or tugged on his ears…not unlike Jamie did when overly tired, only Todd’s fingers moved in a more mantic manner as they pulled and sometimes even folded the supple flesh in on itself, leaving the ear red and raw.

Todd would rub and scratch as if he itched every where, forearms, shoulders, neck, and his chest. His hands were always attacking something as Todd stared off, trapped in deep and clearly troubling thoughts. The movements were deceptive and well disguised as a harmless touch to the unfamiliar eye.

Jared reached over to lower the hand that attacked the lip that was bleeding again. He could no longer put off the question that had been nagging in the back of his mind most of the evening.

“Todd have…”         

Jared paused, fearing the ground he was treading yet he had to know so he jumped headlong in.

                “Todd I need to ask…. do you do things…to hurt yourself?”

He quickly took the mug from the boy’s hands as it nearly became an airborne missile.

Taken completely off guard...Todd did not know how to handle the sudden answers that crammed into his throat. His mind could not sort them out, too many to sort out and filter for safety and comfort. Panicking under pressure, Todd did what he always did in this situation, he blew his ever loving lid.

 “What?!?! Fuck you Jared! …why do you gotta always pull that psycho bullshit? …just leave me the fuck alone!  What do you fuckin’ know about shit…FUCK YOU!”

Jared calmly allowed the tantrum Todd used as a shield to avoided answering.  Jared’s gut tightened as the answer was obviously what he feared.

Todd tried to get to his feet but by just one arm Jared kept him in place. The grip was not unkind but it was firm and Todd was unable to shake it off or move away. The tank’s quiet but stern tone brooked no nonsense.  So was the stinging swat Jared gave Todd’s bottom, bare under the robe.

                “Ansley… Todd… just settle down….I said….sit…down.”

Using both arms, Jared pulled Todd back down into his chair where he sat and glared at the tank as he flung his anger at the big man sorely tempting Jared to use bleach on that mouth. Dark eyes glittered, his resentment very clear but more was the fear that shone bright in them.

Sitting quietly and patiently still, Jared himself let Todd calm down and figure out that he was not buying into the angry indignation act, and it would only earn the boy more swats, it took a few moments and the odd failed attempt to leave for Todd to settle back down.

The anger left Todd and his cursing was impotent and empty, failing to gain any response…temper burned out quickly and left Todd feeling scared and sick inside. This was really happening, someone was really going to know.

Jared’s body language and expressions were absolutely relaxed but his eyes held that firm, expectant gaze that could wear down any armor. Still shaken up from the emotional onslaught of earlier Todd had nothing left to fight with…just his favorite word which he mumbled low as he slouched in his chair and studied the carpet as if he see past its molecules. His body tingled in the odd way it did as he drifted inward.

                “Fuck off.”

 Jared took in the flat, lifeless tone.  Todd was done; his temper was on “E”. He would be more receptive now…for awhile.  Jared let him sit there and adjust to the idea he had failed, then urged a few more sips of the hot tea before he spoke…this time, Jared’s tone had an edge to it.  Though it stayed calm, it was all business…all tank.

“Todd…answer the question…ah, ah, ah…no dramatics, no fits…just a simple yes or no Todd.”

He did not want to answer that question, Todd felt the buzzing numbness and heat all over at the same time…a weird distant feeling teased his brain into thinking he was going up and down on some psychic amusement ride.

Tell Jared just how fucked-up he was, could he do that? He did not want to deal with any of this. Todd wanted desperately to go back to feeling nothing, to hiding all of this but it was too late for any of that. Jared knew so much…too much. As good as it had felt from time to time to talk to Jared about things, though it was not much fun at the time, it did feel good later. This was something different.

Unable to hide from the probing green eyes. Todd winced, it was impossible for him to make eye contact…he could look everywhere but at those green eyes. His eyes actually felt physical discomfort and burning when he tried to make eye contact.

The numbness would come and go as if it enjoyed taunting him with sweet, detached oblivion only to be snatched away in a flood of raw feeling. Like a human yoyo, his defenses against this emotional stuff went haywire yanking him from distance to zoom in the matter of seconds between.

                “Todd, have you tried to…”

 Todd heard the words as they came out, like they always did around Jared, the man had some kind of power there. Hating how young and sniveling his voice sounded, Todd tried to answer with nonchalance as he cut off Jared’s question, he did not want to hear them spoken.

                “Yeah...couple times ‘zall…I guess.”

Jared’s lungs burned as he realized he had been holding his breath. He let it out as slowly, as evenly as he could, reminding himself that Todd was still here among the living and he swore to himself that the boy would continue to do so.

Dark eyes darted up and back down quickly gauging his reaction, so Jared worked to kept them as minimal and shallow as possible, a Herculean task. Todd talked not to Jared but to the floor.

“Ain’t nothing to talk about……I mean… it’s over…wasn’t nothing…really…it don’t matter…it was stupid…I was stupid…fucked-up.”

Reaching over, Jared tilted up the lowered chin. Todd’s eyes betrayed no falsehood, he truly meant his words. Nothing Jared could say right now would change the boys’ opinion so he tabled his argument for the time being with a simple phrase.

                “It does matter Todd…to me it does, what did you do Todd?”

 Jared, gently as possible, pushed Todd to open up.

                “Tell me. What did you do Todd? C’mon talk to me.”

The gentle demands from Jared where impossible to disobey, almost hypnotic. Todd heard his voice as if from a great distance tell of the time he sat all alone in some dump that belonged to a guy he had met at a race and stayed with some time.  The older guy was in his early twenties and was working as a security guard in Phoenix.

To his own ears Todd sounded nervous and spoke rapidly like a little kid justifying  some misdeed as his voice broke and cracked when he told Jared what he had never told another soul and rarely admitted it even to himself.

                “Um…he had this…uh…gun….a revolver...he’d keep it in his room off duty.”

Jared’s scalp tingled from the tightening of his neck.

Todd had been fascinated with the weapon he couldn’t leave it alone. It called to him…taunted him from its place in the drawer.  One night left on his own, wondering what it would feel like to hold it proved too strong a temptation. So he did it just to see what it would feel like; he had never held one before…not alone…Stan had weapons but Todd had always stayed clear of them. This gun was different there was no fear, only curiosity and temptation.

                “I…I…uh.. Put it to…my um….head.”

Todd’s voice shook badly as he told Jared how right then it came to him…to pull the trigger…to end it. It would be so easy to end it all. So he pressed it again to his temple.

Jared thought his heart stopped, his chest hurt so bad. His brain pounded from the force he used to hold back from yelling his head off at the boy for the stupidity of such an act…at the same time hurting for Todd who felt lost enough to even think of let alone try such a thing.

The look on Jared’s face told Todd he was close to seeing the tank explode, he continued haltingly trying to make it sound logical but the story got worse even to his own ears as he felt the need to explain what happened…to finally tell someone.

“I heard that you can miss a shot like that….(choke)…so I…sorta put…put it…(gasp) in um…in…in my mouth.”

Chills that burned like fever traveled down Jared’s spine. He had to lace his hands together to keep from rattling the boy to death. Todd stared at his own hands the whole time, afraid to look at Jared. His brain screaming at him to shut up, that Jared would get rid of him now, knowing what he was, but Todd couldn’t stop the snowball he had started.

“I pussed Jared. You know you can just as easily fuck yourself up but not die from that either? You can flinch at the last moment or something. I couldn’t do it…the idea of that…missing and feeling it for a while or living all fucked up like that. (choke) Then there is that whole religious thing that scared me too…um not to mention the mess JC would have to find and clean up or no deposit return…it’s his name was on the lease and  I was going commando at the moment…so that…that…aw fuck it.”

Todd could not hide behind his humor this time…not here, not with this.

…shit I’m such a fucked-up pussy! (gasp, cough) Stan was right…I could fuck up a wet dream…What’s really fucked-up is it made me feel alive, like this rush of…I don’t know….being awake or some shit…I get so numb sometimes…I don’t feel stuff like…

His words came in a rush…Todd watched Jared sitting across from him as he realized what he had said and was still saying. He could not believe he had said it and the look on Jared’s face said the man was having a hard time with belief himself. He blew it, Todd just knew he had lost any of Jared’s respect or friendship. That reset his panic button.

“ Yeah fucked-up, I know, I told you I was whack! But no-o-o,  you just had to keep asking fucking questions you can’t handle, happy now?…can’t deal with it? Well fuck you!.”

Jared was never more grateful to be seated than he was at the moment else his legs would have buckled.  He rubbed his brow that had begun to throb.

                “Todd knock it off with that…you just calm down…right now.”

                “Yeah or what?”

Green eyes flashed like emeralds and just as hard.

                “Do you really want to find out Ansley?”

Jared rubbed his palms against his lap meaningfully. Todd swallowed hard and shook his head negatively.

Todd squirmed in his chair as he watched and calculated Jared’s mood and every nuance of his body language.  The tank’s mood was growing dangerously dark.

Todd felt like his guts twisted, as he watched Jared mull over what he had confessed. He could not stand it…it was driving him nuts to sit here and wait to get the boot, knowing now that Jared must think he was insane. Todd wanted to explain that it was a one time attempt that he’s never tried that again.

“The whole idea scared the shit out of me after that so I put the gun away and never tired it again. Dude I swear.”

Taking a moment to gain his equilibrium, Jared asked in a tight voice.

“Is that why you take such chances, all the daredevil shit?”

The robbed shoulders shrugged.

“Yeah I guess…I just need to “feel something” sometimes…so I do… stuff…just to see if I can feel…to snap my self out of it… I know that sounds fucked-up to you… well I am…I fucking told you I was!.”

Knowing Todd was hedging and skirting verbally around details, Jared did not ease up on the pressure.

“Todd calm down…your not fucked-up so knock that shit off…You’re not talking about just the risks you take on the bike… are you Todd!”

It was a statement not a question. Todd’s miserable expression was neither regret nor quite embarrassment but somewhere in between.

                “Ansley…Todd?”

“No…I don’t wanna tell you… I’m done talking…fuck Jared I’ve said too much already.

You’ll just get pissed…or all weird over it…”

Todd’s tone held no belligerence, just honesty as he studied his bare toes peaking out from the hem of the oversized robe as he hugged his knees to his chest in the large chair.

Not touching the boy, Jared moved closer and posed a cryptic question.

                “Which will piss me off more do you think?

Not giving Todd the chance to formulate an answer. Jared continued the pressure.

“I know there’s more…more than that one time… I know you don’t like drugs so those are out…c’mon Todd… are you telling me you’ve never harmed yourself, Ansley?

Todd glared at Jared.

                “I don’t gotta tell you shit…No, okay, no ….happy…can I go now?.”

Leaning over close enough so Todd smelled the coffee on Jared’s breath, those intense eyes just burning a hole as they stared him down…Todd just could not keep the eye contact, his gaze slid away first.

                “Is that a lie Todd?”

Tears welled and flooded anew in red swollen eyes, his throat felt as if it were closing off all air to his straining lungs. Hands ripped through the dark mass of damp hair as Todd squirmed in his chair…how he hated that question…and what it did to his guts. That tone Jared had…it made Todd’s skin prickle. Wrapping is arms around himself tightly Todd fidgeted under Jared’s intense scrutiny, with one leg bouncing in animated agitation. Todd desperately did not want to answer Jared, knowing that more questions would follow his answer…follow too deep into things he himself did not dare to go into often.

                “Please…Jared…just…”

Jared barely moved his hands from being laced together to raise them to his knees.  This little movement sparked panic in Todd, who threw his hand out as if to ward off any physical contact from Jared.

                “NO!  Don’t!”

                “Settle down Todd…I was just moving my hands…that’s all.”

Jared patiently let that sink in and Todd relaxed again but still did not answer Jared. So the deep voice  spoke  much more firmly.

“That WAS all I was going to do… looks like I’m going to have to do more now; I’ve warned you about lying Ansley.”              

Todd could not hold out…the price for lying was well known to him now and too high to pay…it was humiliating enough that he had bawled all night but to add a trip over the tanks lap was just not something he could chance...not even for this.

“FINE!...okay, fine!…just don’t’…back off a minute…Yeah…um…I have…(choke) I’ve done shi…stuff… I’m fucked-up; I told you I was ! So go’ head and get your rocks off! Hit me! Happy now?!”

Todd said raising his voice, as he began to lose the tentative grip on his emotions.

Jared’s deep voice firmly told Todd to lower his own and then more gently repeated that he was not fucked-up. Once Todd seemed to have calmed back down, Jared pushed him to continue. It was very clear they were in some dark territory here for Todd so he had to move carefully.

                “How, Todd?”

Jared was relentless in his determination to have this conversation. Todd was too tired, too weak emotionally to fight him. Letting loose a deep breath Todd spoke softly, barely audibly.

“I…um…I take…..uh…used to take… sharp things and sorta…ya know …um….”

Speaking in a rush to just shut himself up, Todd started to hiccup as tears began to burn the back of his throat.

“Not really fuck myself up or anything but…I’d (hic)…it’s whack I know…okay I know… but I’d kinda scratch….”

“Just scratch Todd?”

The dark head shook negatively as brown eyes avoided any eye contact.

                “No…not just scratch…other stuff too.”

Tears of shame rolled down Todd’s cheeks. Saying it out loud made it sound so…wrong…sick even …and what he’d never ever tell Jared was that he could not help it still when the urge came.

Fighting to keep his anger hidden. How could Todd harm himself, how could he not know what a wonderful young man he was…under all that ice and pain was a special person…The answer was as clear as the tears that rolled down the boys face…cause no one ever told him or showed him. Those that did or those that had tried…Todd did not believe.  The damage done was too complete.  Blinking back tears of his own, Jared modified his tone to keep it even and bland.

                “How bad, deep?”

Todd shrugged his shoulders his eyes avoided Jared’s. His voice was barely above a whisper, Jared had to strain to hear as Todd sat frozen in his chair as he spoke to the floor, rollin his shoulders as if Jared had asked how he felt on politics or some other trivial prose.

“Not…bad…I was careful, only areas not seen, not that no one would give a…um…I  never did it real deep so they healed fast, no scars.”

Speaking softly and as gently as he was able, Jared asked a tough question…not that any had been simple to ask or answer.

  “Honestly kid, does that help…you hurting yourself like that?

Heat flushed his face and shame clogged Todd’s throat. He didn’t understand it himself, but it did and it didn’t.

“(choke) Yeah…some…worse sometimes or sometimes it is the only thing that can help…it’s bad sometimes…sometimes…it gets…real bad… it…hurts”

Todd’s face twisted in anguished rage.

                “Fuck Jared it hurts so fucking bad….too much… in here…I’m just so fucked-up!”

Todd pounded his chest with his closed fist.

                “AHH!”

He cried out as he bent over from the unexpected pain level from a tender chest.

“Stop it Todd! Knock that off. If you want pain I can give your butt all the pain it can take, but no more of that, any of it Todd; I mean it. No more hitting no more saying you’re fucked-up. There are other ways to deal with what’s in here and here.”

Jared tapped Todd’s temple and chest.

                “Do you still hurt yourself?...I want the truth Todd…I won’t be mad.”

That was a bald faced lie but Jared wanted to know. 

                “Um…yeah…so…sometimes.”

Jared was wrong he did not want to know that or any of this.  He had expected, hoped for another answer.

Todd seemed so frail and even afraid of him, that killed any temptation to yell at the kid. Instead he hugged Todd fiercely and in a tone that was all business, spoke firmly.

“We’ll work on that you and I. Okay?… if you want? You can talk to me or we can go beat on the bag in the gym.”

Todd wisely nodded not sure how he felt at the moment, best to just agree now and fake it later.

                “Good, I’m going to go get some more tea.”

It was too much, all he’d just said to Jared.  He felt like he had just handed over any chance for anything he and Jared might have,  How could the man now think he was not some freak. He was so vulnerable now, Todd felt an overwhelming need to fall apart.

 Jared left to take the plates back to the kitchen, when he returned Todd had his knees drawn up and his head resting on them. The boy’s shoulders convulsed with his runaway emotions.

Todd felt so empty inside with out all his secrets, his inner self was totally exposed, stripped of its icy shell. He was so lost in his misery Todd did not hear Jared return and was mortified at being found like this again.

Ignoring Todd’s feeble protests, Jared pulled him to his feet and led him to the couch and sat down with Todd next to him and positioned the reluctant youth to lay down and against him. Todd squirmed at the childish position. The man he wanted to be, fought with the boy he still was…need for comfort and love. He  had lost the controls as he wept pathetically in Jared’s arms for what felt like the millionth time that night until he was spent.

                “Shhh…alright Todd …shh, shh ….c’mon drink up.”

Jared held up a cup of hot liquid. Todd took it from him and drank deeply unmindful that it burned his tongue. He had finished that cup and was working on another when he began to feel a lethargy that was bone deep.  Jared’s voiced rumbled deeply with tender words that reached deep into to the little hurt kid inside of Todd that had such a grip on him. Obeying the gentle commands to relax and drink, Todd did so with only slight hesitation, just to encourage more of the melodious words that only hours ago would have annoyed and angered him…words he now craved.

Feeling the body relax against him Jared took the from the pocket of the robe, scooping out a small amount on his fingers, Jared smoothed the silky cream on Todd’s bruised chest and even a little around the outside of a blackened eye. Todd fairly purred under the massaging hand as it gently rubbed in the fragrant paste, until the young skin had soaked in all it could and the pain was eased.

Hours ago it would have been inconceivable for him to be here, crying in Jared’s arms, like some little kid having his hurts seen too…but right now there was no place he’d rather have been.

Todd gave up and allowed the warmth to spread throughout his body as he melted against Jared.  He seemed to fit perfectly against the broad chest, his head tucked just under Jared’s chin. He was completely self-aware but distantly and was unable to do any thing about it. Truthfully, he didn’t want to any longer; he had no fight left. It felt so good to let go….it scared him…to his soul, to let himself be held like this, just to be touched with simple  tenderness…it had been so long since he had allowed such intimate comfort…so long since anyone wanted to comfort him. The comfort he took from sexual contact was something else…that was base and empty. This was basic and overwhelming…it was physically painful to be hugged; it caused settled emotions to rubble again.  He knew he was opening the door for more pain…much more. Yet at the same time it felt so good; it was what he had been waited for.

Just as Jared thought Todd would relax and perhaps drift to sleep the boy tensed up and he could see new moisture build behind the thick lashes.

                “Aw…Todd. What’s going on in that mind of yours, hmmm?”

No tears spilled, but rather years of pent up secrets and hurts. Unable to stop him self and honestly not wanting to, Todd openly shared with Jared how long it had been since he’d been touched like this. How scared and lonely he’s been until, until…

                “Until when Todd?”

Todd tilted up his face, his dark eyes almost black as they glared through the thick tears.

“Until that fucking cabin…until you got all up in my business and turned me into a wuss!”

Todd’s face crumbled as quiet tears burst into bawling as he latched on tightly to Jared not caring that his robe fell open to one side baring a good portion of his body. Jared was oddly encouraged with the volume of tears Todd shed tonight, secretly pleased it was not that weird silent crying that was Todd’s norm. This was more healthy, in his layman’s opinion.

Todd made another rare admission that he liked it here and he wanted more. All this was said with painful honesty and many tears as Todd choked on the words he was unaccustomed to speaking.

 Jared kissed Todd’s face and hugged him tightly, moisture built up in his green eyes too.

“I like it too…I love having you here…we all do babe”

Todd’s voice cracked as he took offence to the endearment.

                “Don’t call me babe…I (choke) don’t like it…I ain’t your babe.”

Jared felt otherwise but did not argue with the younger man.

“Don’t change the subject…you have a family now Todd…I know it’s not the same as if you were littler but you’re still a kid and have years yet to enjoy now…you still very much need a family.”

This only made Todd cry harder as he fought past his gasping sobs…he avoided all attempts at eye contact as he rushed the words to profess his attraction to Jared and there was nothing child-like in that. Internal warning bells went off in his head but he paid no heed…he had gone this far he would go all the way.

“I…(sob) don’t see you like some dad…or even (choke) a brother. I don’t want …I don’t want you to be some father figure…I want…I want…more.”

His voice cracked on the last word as he waited for shock, anger…rejection. He hated himself for all he had just said…not waiting for the recriminations and pity, he struggled to get off Jared’s couch making it only as far as sitting upright. He began to wind himself up towards an anxiety attack, unable to take waiting for the rejection to come.

“Fuck!...aw shit! I sound like some faggoty assed little bitch! Lemego! Just forget it!”

Sick at how pathetically desperate his declaration sounded Todd began resist Jared’s hold wildly and his temper tried a come-back, only to fail until Jared tipped him over his lap and a hard hand made painful contact with Todd’s bare butt, not once but a couple times, snapping him out of his tantrum.

The contact stung hotly against his bare cheek where the robe had draped open in his struggles. Set back up Todd was given a neck-snapping shake.

“Stop it! I will not just forget it. You don’t sound like that at all. Keep up that kind of talk and all you will sound like, is a boy getting one hell of a butt beating…and it won’t be my hand I use. ”

Brown eyes blinked miserably up at Jared’s stern face, not worried so much about a spanking as much as he was that he had pissed off Jared.

                “I’m sorry…I…I just…”

Jared’s hot words and temper melted as Todd latched his arms tightly around his neck and wept broken-heartedly against the broad chest. Jared rocked Todd in his lap to sooth him. Todd had to be exhausted. Once the sobs slowed back to hiccups Jared was able to very firmly explain that he had no desire to be Todd’s dad…he would never presume to take that place. The moment Jared said he also wanted more, Todd laughed bitterly

                “Yeah…right (sniff) I bet you ain’t even gay.”

Todd snapped churlishly. He flinched when Jared moved, fearing another swat. All Jared did was adjust Todd to where he could face the nervous boy. 

“That’s a bet you’d lose and no I’m not going to prove it…right now and  yes I do want more, much more…when…the…time…is…right. …but not now.”

 Todd stared at Jared intensely, locking eyes on the deep green ones above him that spoke as clear as if Jared had said it out loud, that he meant what he said and the subject was done. Todd tried to gain some composure as the realization hit him that he had just spoken nearly every secret he had  to Jared, not to mention cry like a girl  the whole night. Confused over what had happened to him tonight, Todd watched as Jared poured another cup of hot tea

“Shit…I don’t cry …I’ve bawled more since we met than in my whole life…I never fuck’n cry dude.”

Jared just huffed and lifted another sip to Todd’s lips.

“Never Todd? That’s a load of crap…everyone cries sometimes.”

Brown eyes looked into Jared’s, deep and serious.

“No…not like this I don’t….not even when he…he…was a prick.”

Todd soon began to feel light headed and heavy in the body and very vulnerable to his emotions.

Strong, arms wrapped around Todd as he stretched back out on the couch next to the large man. It felt good, the sensations he was experiencing were new and terrifying and wonderful at the same time…it was intoxicating as he felt Jared’s warmth over him and through him.

Jared wiped a few straying tears from Todd’s eyes as he smiled warmly easing the kid’s discomfort. Secure and unmovable as a mountain, Jared kept up his firm support of Todd and the good this night had brought.

“You have a right to those tears buddy, long over due I’m thinking…too long you have kept all this to yourself…it’s poison sport…you’ll choke on it…we can’t have that….it’s sat in there and festered for years. It’s going to take some time to clean it all out okay. I’m here, we can do it together okay, Todd? You don’t have to tackle this alone any more.”

 Todd let his head fall against Jared’s chest more tears welled up unbidden and unwelcome as he scrubbed at his eyes and jerked his legs like he wanted to kick.

“This fucking sucks!…I don’t wanna…cry anymore.”

A deep chuckle vibrated in side Jared’s chest as he hugged Todd closer and rocked him. He tucked Todd’s head back against his chest. He could not help nuzzle the soft hair under his chin.

“Too bad. Looks like you’re going to anyway. Shhhh…okay, just close your eyes and relax, like I’ve said…it’s just us here…I’ve got you.”

Jared held Todd, humming gentle tunes that with more of the spiked tea lulled Todd’s body to relax again and his tears dried finally.

                “Jared?”

                “Hmmm?”

“I think my butt is asleep dude, I can’t feel my right cheek.”

Jared laughed warmly and helped Todd to his feet.

                “Time to get you to bed kiddo. It’s been a hell of a day.”     

Jared moved to pick Todd up when he said he could walk…Todd wanted to walk. His legs felt as if they were rubber, like after a long day of riding or a good run, his head spun as he stood. He followed Jared meekly to his bedroom and watched Jared turn down his bed. It was almost ritual now, oddly comforting and now only slightly annoying.

Todd allowed himself to be tucked in and did not even mind the kiss on the forehead…several inches away from where he wanted to be kissed but the words “when the time is right” gave him more hope than before that Jared felt some of what he did. That at least was something.

Todd rolled on his stomach, facing away from Jared to hide the moisture that still flooded his burning eyes.

Jared sat next to Todd on the bed and rubbed his back, shoulders and neck until Todd gave up under his hands as they comforted and massaged.  Too tired to even lie to himself that the petting the tank was doling out felt good, Todd closed his eyes and Jared could feel the enormous sigh that passed through Todd as he drifted off.

 Jared found his own bed when he felt safe to leave Todd. Feeling  so tired and wrung out himself, Jared almost wept the moment he felt the soft mattress beneath him. Closing his burning eyes, Jared shut out the lingering effects from Todd’s revelations from his own mind, keeping an ear open for any sounds of distress from Todd’s room, he let himself drift into the arms of sleep. Green eyes flew open; Jared did not know how long he had slept, it felt like only seconds. The hair on the back of his neck told him there was a presence in the room. Looking in his open doorway he could make out in the different gradients of darkness…an inky black form that stood against the lighter shade of night. The shape was distinctly Todd.

Clicking on the nightstand light, both Jared and the boys eyes blinked against the brightness.

                “Todd? What is it buddy? Are you okay?”

Todd looked decidedly uncomfortable standing there in just his baggy flannel pants looking very much like a little kid in oversized hand-me-downs. He had his tattooed arms crossed tightly around his chest. Todd was still weepy judging by his very red puffy eyes and hitched breathing. Todd searched for the right words, there where none. All he knew was that he felt extremely creeped out alone in his room. He had gone to the game room but it held no comfort tonight for him.  Jared’s room was the only place he knew to look for safety. Now that he was here, it was embarrassing and he was unable to ask for what he needed.

                “Sorry…um…it’s nothin’ I’m sorry.”

Sheepishly he turned to leave, frustrated, embarrassed and ready to fall apart again.  He had spent so much time pacing in his room to make sure he was in control of himself before he came to Jared’s room, the demons waiting for him in his own room could just have him.

                “Todd.”

Obeying Jared’s deep voice, Todd slowly turned round to face Jared who was holding open the covers. There was no sign of scorn, pity or annoyance in the man’s face, only silent understanding.

                “C’mon. It’s late, come on to bed.”

Todd needed no further prodding as he shyly approached the bed kicking himself all the way as his mind screamed to keep what pride he had left. Jared moved over as Todd slid under the covers, then Jared got out of bed to his confusion and a sharp rush of panic. Todd sat up nervous and unsure.

                “Jared?”

Jared gently pushed him down against the pillows and lifted a finger to stall any complaints then left the room only to reappear seconds later with a glass of water and brown familiar bottle of pills, much to Todd’s dismay.

                “You’re not suppose to drink with those.”

Todd groused as Jared’s hand inched closer under his turned up nose, offering the sleeping pill. Jared quirked an eyebrow at the bottle and then at Todd.

                “Thought you couldn’t read.”

Rolling his eyes as he down right pouted, Todd snapped.

“Dude every one knows you ain’t suppose to take drugs with liquor some just choose to ignore the warnings.”

Jared laughed at Todd who just glared at him, not appreciating the humor.

“Oh I think it’s quite safe, now but you’re right not a safe practice. So I’ll cut you a deal, half a pill and no complaints”

The look on Jared’s face made it clear he was not going to budge an inch. Todd gave in and took the quartered dose from Jared, he blushed when asked if Jared needed to check to see if Todd swallowed this time.

                “No.”

Todd said belligerently as Jared took the empty glass and crawled in next to him. He lay there stiff for a few moments unsure of how he felt being in bed with Jared again.

“Go ahead and be mad Todd that’s okay. I made you take that only ‘cause you’re tired and upset, that’s all.”

Todd knew what Jared was not saying. That when he got upset like this he walked at night. 

 Unable to argue the reasoning for the meds, Todd laid there waiting to see what came next.

Jared, aware of Todd’s discomfort, made sure not to touch him as he made sure they were both covered with bedding.

                “Just relax and go to sleep Todd.”

 Todd’s anger and stiff body gave out as soon as he heard Jared’s even breathing; he knew the larger man had drifted off.

Jared opened his eyes. He felt movement next to him. Todd was upset again and trying so hard to hide it. He could feel the boy’s shoulders shaking against him, in fact the bed shook with the force of his emotions.

                “Easy now…shhh…hey Todd…what is it?”

                “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I…”

There were shades of mortification coloring Todd’s voice. He felt so bad about being caught crying…again. It was beyond his control and he was so tired.

                “Shhhh it’s okay…c’mere.”

Jared turned Todd over and pulled the boy against him. Todd resisted for a few tense moments then his arms cautiously slid around Jared. Laying his cheek against Todd’s soft hair he whispered soothing words of encouragement in to a small ear as he rubbed the convulsing back.

“Yeah Todd, that’s it…I’ve got you…that’s it. There’s nothing wrong with the need to be held, nothing for you to be sorry about.  You just let me hold on for you kiddo, just let it come, Todd, it’s just us, its okay, go a head now….yeah I got ya.”

That was all Todd seemed to be waiting for. Permission to feel and face it head on…in safety and with someone else, some one who cared.

He clung to Jared, safe in the strong arms that held him tightly. Todd buried his face against Jared’s chest as the emotional wave he had surfed and dodged for years crashed over him.  Jared reached for tissues. With great care and kindness Jared dabbed at Todd’s eyes and continuing to whisper promises of love and security.

Todd could not fight the need to be held and comforted, laying waste to any of his protective mechanisms that tried to resist. Todd’s fears proved needless.  A short while later his tears slowed and then dried as the pills kicked in.  He began to feel groggy and relaxed as it all sunk in - what had just transpired between him and Jared tonight. He felt hot shame burn his face and he tried to roll away. Jared’s uncanny radar picked up on the shift in the boy’s mood.

“Oh no you don’t. That is not allowed and no need for that crap Todd. No reason for it, so knock it off right now.”

Jared  positioned him into a comfortable spoon like snuggle, enveloped against a warm body Todd lay quiet in that safe heat.

Holding Todd close, his hands running up the tight back and neck to lightly massage the tense scalp, tangling his fingers in the rich hair and then back down the spine, over and over warm hands worked their magic, untying knotted muscles and easing tension in the young shoulders. Jared sought to ease Todd’s embarrassment by telling him stories of the few times he found himself needing comfort like this when he still was living with Brian. He would end up in bed with him curled up safe in his brothers’ arms and many times cried himself to sleep. Todd had grown very still and quiet.  Looking down at the boy, Jared found Todd was in a deep sleep and snoring quietly before Jared could mumble the moral to his stories, that everyone needed comforting at some point. Jared drifted off soon thereafter with Todd tucked safely in his arms.