/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^/\ \/ \/ /\ THE CHRONIC! /\ \/ \/ /\ Issue 2 Acting Supreme Editorial Mistress: /\ \/ Febuary 2005 Absinthe \/ /\ /\ \/{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^-/\{}[]\/^*&#^\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Introductory Attempt ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two issues now, what a shocking prospect. Why I remember when this was just issue one. Oh how the world has changed since then, doing that whole spinny thing it's so fond of and whatnot. Speaking of this world, we all know it is full of problems screaming to be solved. By looking into this issue friend, and you shall find the answers you seek. Unless you're wondering where your children went, or why your spouse has been trying out her new cooking with arsenic recipes on you. That's just because some omniscient holy presence has it in for you because you pissed in a graveyard, or even, just maybe, its all your fault..... On that note: Enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~The Obvious Solution~~~~~~~ Canada: the land of maple syrup, home of the beavers, and other assorted things that may arouse some interest. Whatever the case, this fair country could become the starting point for a revolution in democratic government. I believe whole heartedly that if my "Feed Them to the Wolves" (FTW) proposal was put into motion in conjunction with my "Release the Wolves" (RW) by-law, under the newly formed FTW/RW party, the entire country would benefit. Health care for example would no longer be something to gripe about. Nobody minds the fellow with the funny cough, but I believe I speak for everyone when I say that those folk that just lay about dying or having headaches do not contribute to society in any fun ways, and have thus forfeited their right to live. Only those that are rather amusing while ill shall be allowed the luxury that is medical care. Under FTW, the mere cough of a potential boring sick person, if properly detected, will result in a pack of wolves being released from a nearby corral, to prey upon said person. The same wolfish action may be taken in conjunction with annoying people, nuns, irritating Profs., the pope etc.. In many cases this may also serve as a form of entertainment, similar to that which the Romans patronized. . For those of you who cannot complete simple equations, I suppose that it will have to be stated that less people = more food to spare. Also, as the wolves are being fed the flesh of humans, taxpayers' funds need not be wasted upon wolf food, when they could be better spent upon the things any country needs. The new surplus could go towards weapons of mass destruction, special camps where people of certain people of diverse races and religions could go in order to learn how to concentrate, and more psychedelics for members of parliament. Another issue today's society is faced with, is the fact that the majority of people lack the attention span it requires to be more politically literate than the average field mouse. The average Joe or Josephine is above paying attention to anything that does not involve violence. When faced with an alternate solution to a problem such as discussion, most people will simply phase out, thus making the task of viewing a televised debate impossible. With the help of RW, that shall become a worry of the past. Imagine the possibilities: Steven Harper: "Same sex marriage will be with downfall of civilization! People will die and in time the world shall spontaneously combust as a result of it. It isn't like we don't all know where the homosexual disease comes from: if evil woman having abortions, the homosexual virus would not form in their wombs. Had you people any decency, we wouldn't even be having this debate. As a matter of fact blah blah blah blah, BLAH! etc." Absinthe (all powerful leader of the FTW/RW party): "You make an interesting point Mr. Harper, but I believe this illustrates our views upon said subject. RELEASE THE WOLVES!" *blood thirsty wolves devour all other parties involved in the debate* Canadian Public: *takes appreciative notice* As illustrated in this hypothetical scenario, bringing gratuitous violence into the debates with the help of our party platforms, we will attract the politically illiterate in a way that Jesus, a poster containing the image of an aborted fetus and an pro-life riot would never be able to. The final, pivotal factor the obvious superiority of FTW/RW, is the fact that no one in their right minds would dare vote against a party that releases flesh eating wolves. Those who do vote against us? Well we all know what happens to the mentally ill that fail to amuse. As our party slogan says "Its not a dictatorship if people are scared enough to do what we want without question." Fear, and the fact we will be sure to soak all dictionaries in human blood before placing them in the wolf corrals, will keep the public in absolute agreement. After this movement takes over Canada, it shall soon spread to the rest of the world. So don't be wary, hop onto the bandwagon and join FTW/RW today! ______________________________________________________________________________________ / \ - The Chronic is always interested in suubmissions. Should you find yourself possessed - - with the urge to contribute a documentt of sorts, feel free to email it to - - eversoobviouslychronic@yahoo.com . As long as it amuses the small minds of the staff - - to some extent, we'll probably give itt the nod. Length doesn't matter due to the - - fact quality is bundles more importantt than quantity. - - - - www.geocities.com/eversoobviouslychronnic - \______________________________________________________________________________________/ By the way, all this stuff belongs to the authors, and cannot be sold or stolen. Failure to comply with this simple request will result in Absinthe hunting you down wtih a chainsaw and her unholy rat army rat army of the night. Or maybe just suing you. Let's leave that one as a surprise.