There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"

The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.

The woman said, "You're going out as that?"

''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

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This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!

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A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the came!!"

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.
" The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

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10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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A vicar wanted to buy a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't swear?" he asked the storekeeper. "Oh absolutely. It's a s religious parrot," the storekeeper assured him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one he recites the Lords Prayer, and when you pull on the left one he chants the 23rd Psalm."" That's wonderful!" said the vicar, reaching for his chequebook, "and what happens if you pull both strings"
"I fall off my fucking perch, you piece of shit!" streeched the parrot.

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A tourist went into a restaurant in Spain and ordered the speciality of the house. When his dinner arrived, he asked the waiter what it was. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English are the cojones -how you say the testicles - of the bull that was killed in the ring today." The tourist swalled hard but tasted the dish and, lo and behold it was delicious. So he went back the next evening and ordered the same dish. When it arrived, he had a look and said to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...... they're much smaller than the ones I had last night. " Si, senor," replied the waiter "You see, the bull.....he does not always lose."

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has taken his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." **POOF** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold, coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." **POOF** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.