Long days, work, school, the incessant whining of the people around. Waking up knowing that this is all you have to look forward to. Taking care of others, having them depend on you to cook for them, clean up after them, help them with their homework, do chores and even help them clean themselves. Day after day, your monotonous driven life, having nothing better to do than to continue on, cursing those who can afford to not work and pay others to look after the dependants.

Sunny days that no one really cares for. Blinding pain, having your eyes slowly adjust only to realize that the world looks just as shitty as it had the day before and the day before that and in fact any other day of your miserable life.

The streets just as dirty, the air just as polluted. Every building looking like the one before just with different signs, every car making just as much noise as the one beside it, in front and indeed behind it. People shuffling about, trying to get to wherever they need to get to by any means possible. Whether it be a peaceful drive in the car or pushing everyone else out of the way to make sure they get a seat on the train or bus.

And for what? To get to either and insanely crowded office with people yelling that you did something wrong and the boss chasing you about to fire you. Or to a school of about nine hundred other students who believe it their right to pass judgement over the way you wear your school uniform, the kind of make-up you wear or the lack of as the case may be, your �friends� and anything else they can pass judgement on. Teachers yelling that you�re too stupid to be in advanced maths or for that matter, general maths and the pressure to get assignments in on time.

People claiming to be your friends yet still you feel isolated from everyone. Nothing to say to anyone, feeling that they couldn�t possibly understand how you feel. Never understanding what it truly means to be alone. Lunchtimes come, and you sit with these people, your friends yet always apart from them. Listening to their conversations with nothing to say. It�s not your position to participate.

Being called to the principal�s office. Apparently he/she is worried about you, your school performance rate and so he/she is going to call your parent�s up to the school to discuss your current situation. Once again for what? One more person pretending to care just for a clean conscience. While you sit there, knowing that if you kill yourself, they�ll shrug your memory away while they drink themselves stupid in a pub somewhere.

Fucking hypocrites walking around the streets, saying one thing but having a totally different set of rules for themselves. People who say they believe in equality just as long as they can be above everyone else. Just as long as they get the most food, the most amount of money and the right to call everyone below them pathetic.

Feeling that no one really cares. Selfish, single-minded bastards only after two things. Sex and trying to get what they want by any means necessary, not caring about who they tread on to get there. Wherever there may be, probably that insanely over crowded office in which they�re probably the boss chasing you around to fire you. Not really caring that you have a family to feed or the ambition to be something bigger.

You get home and all you hear is your brother/sister/child playing annoyingly loud music, that of which no one particularly likes yet is still the craze of the time because there�s absolutely nothing better. And as silence has always been your preferred sound, you consider any noise � particularly that of the dependants � to be maddening.

All day listening to the pathetic chatter of your peers, cars beeping their horns at one another, planes flying over head, drowning out every other sound but that of itself. And any other noise that means life is unfortunately continuing on.

And so the dependants come running � children asking what�s for dinner, can their friends come over, can they go out on a date on Saturday night or has their clothes been washed. Or the parents nagging, do your homework, feed the animals, wash the dishes, put out the bin and clean your room. All because they depend on you to make their lives run like clock work so they can have free time to go out to dinner on the weekends. Never really grasping the concept of Cinderella.

You never really have any time to yourself. And when you do, all you can think about is how worthless all of it is, how insane life can be, feeling absolutely fatuous in yourself because you know that nothing can really be changed. You spend most nights, getting hardly any sleep thinking, that when you finally do fall asleep, you have to get up again in the morning and doing the same thing all over again. Why? Why be alive at all if this all that life will ever be?

Even in your dreams, you see the patheticness of you life; and those around you. Wishing that they�d all just disappear. And you scare yourself, because you know, deep down, you know that you could just stab them all in the back and cause them as much pain as possible, if only there was a way to do it without getting caught.

The worst killer, however, is knowing that you have fantasies such as this, but you have no idea why. You tell yourself you�re pathetic, not normal. You used to push yourself to your limit just to please others and now all you can think about is the best way to rip out someone�s intestines and hang them from the ceiling with them, or the best way to cause as much pain as possible without having the person pass out on you.

You wonder how you can make yourself feel alive again. Cutting your own flesh, or the flesh of others doesn�t seem to work anymore. Blood looks surreal, looking black when it should be red. So you stand in the middle of a deserted road on a cold, rainy night and scream as loud as you can, not caring if anyone or everyone hears you. Wondering if anyone does in fact hear you, will they come running? Or will they themselves pass you off as just another person going insane in a world in which they too know is pathetic and pointless. Perhaps they will even join you in your quest to cough up a lung.

Not even a child means anything to you. A child isn�t innocent, they�re just another person who will one day either be a dictator, a politic or some other fucked up person who is telling other people what they should do with their lives or is being told how pathetic their own life is. A child is just another person to take the food away from those who were alive long before them and who need the food more. A crying, shitting, spluttering thing that will grow up to no doubt be just like yourself, while the parents are wondering what they did to deserve such a child. They grow up, being ungrateful little freaks who don�t care for what their parents have done for them.

And so this is the way that life goes on and on, never changing, never getting any better. For no real point except to just exist. Never really being able to change what happens in life. No amount of positive thinking can ever change the facts. All you can do is sit and curse, you don�t believe in God, in Satan or the afterlife. Once you die, you�ll cease to exist. Proving that your theories of life to be true.

© Kristel. S 2003