It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive members of staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated.

However, the management realizes the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, our human resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offense to our more easily offended employees. The phrases are as follows:

Old phrase: Absolutely no fucking chance.
New phrase: I'm fairly sure that�s not feasible.

Old phrase: You lying shit.
New phrase: Are you quite sure about that?

Old phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New phrase: Have you informed management about this?

Old phrase: It�s got fuck all to do with me.
New phrase: I don't think I was involved in that project.

Old phrase: Shove a brush up my arse and I'll sweep the fucking floor as well.
New phrase: Would you like me to do that for you as well?

Old phrase: Am I the only twat here?
New phrase: Would someone else care to answer the telephone?

Old phrase: You haven't got a fucking clue.
New phrase: Perhaps you need a little more training in this

Old phrase: This place has gone to rat shit.
New phrase: This place is looking a little untidy.

Old phrase: Eat shit and die mother-fucker.
New phrase: I think I told you this would happen.

Old phrase: You over paid shit for brains.
New phrase: You're my boss and I respect that.

Old phrase: Fuck off smart arse.
New phrase: Well-done.

Old phrase: She's a ball-busting bitch.
New phrase: She's a full time career woman.

Old phrase: Get out of my face dog breath.
New phrase: I don't think I require your assistance.

Old phrase: Raving fucking arse bandit.
New phrase: He's very much in touch with his feminine side.

Old phrase: Boy, are you in shit.
New phrase: Does the boss know about this?

Old phrase: Kiss my fucking arse.
New phrase: I'd rather not if you don't mind.

Old phrase: Who the fuck are you?
New phrase: Are you new here?

Old phrase: No fucker told me.
New phrase: I wasn't given that piece of information.

Old phrase: What sort of clueless fuck-wit are you?
New phrase: you haven't done this before have you?

Old phrase: You've made a right cock up of that!
New phrase: It�s the sort of mistake anyone could make.

Old phrase: I'm dying for a shit.
New phrase: I'm going to wash my hands.

Old phrase: It�s fucked.
New phrase: It�s broken but I think I can fix it.

Old phrase: It�s completely fucked.
New phrase: It�s broken beyond repair.

Old phrase: Fuck off
New phrase: I�d like to be alone for a while if you don't mind

Old phrase: Fuck off you twat
New phrase: You are a very rude man.