Published in Whispering Spirits ezine

How to become a werewolf,101

First, You have to do it on the night of the new moon, when the cusp of the seventh house is co-joined with Saturn (?) in opposition to Jupiter. (Honest, that's how the old book put it.) This is suppose to be the night of the most potent evil, when the dark forces are at their spiritual strength.

Next, you have to find an isolated area. A desert will do, or a wooded area, or on the top of a mountain plateau. There has to be a water source, so I wouldn't recommend a desert, unless you happen to have an oasis handy. But, then, I would never recommend a desert unless you happen to have an oasis, or at least a keg of beer, handy. It has to be level, though. Don't forget; level.

At midnight, kill a black cat and draw a circle around yourself with the blood. This circle has to be 7 feet in diameter. Then draw another one inside it that's 3 feet in diameter. I suggest you pick a large black cat, as you have a lot of drawing to do.

In the dead center of the 3 foot circle, build a fire with "Evil wood". Umm...have the wood fill out a questionnaire, or something, to determine how evil it is. Or, maybe you could get wood that's been arrested for murder. Something really evil. Try the wood from an accordion used to play polka music. Lawrence Welk's old accordion; now that's gotta be evil wood. Over this suspend an iron pot using an iron tripod. Fill it with dirty water.

Bring it to a boil, then throw in some parsley, aloe, poppy seed, hemlock, some nice tomato sauce, a slice of lemon, a little oregano, maybe some mushrooms. Season to taste.

Remember the last time you bought drugs? Have a little psychotropic lying around, not being used? Well, throw it in! Add opium, or some other drugs (Try putting pot in the pot), Stir well, and call on the evil spirits. Don't use your cell phone, they'll never call back; just quote some Manson lyrics or play an old Alice Cooper recording backwards. They'll be along presently.

When they get there, you'll see all kinds of neat things (Especially if you dipped into the drugs). Frost will cover the ground, on a warm night; wind will kick up and the cat you just killed will get up and cuss you out. Or, maybe your old high school principal will walk up to the campfire (Hey, we all knew he was Satan). Any way, make your request, and don't forget to say please and offer him a bribe. Your soul, or maybe your credit card will do.

If this doesn't work, I don't want to hear about it.

If this works, my land lord lives in California.

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