eugenefides

No one in this life is doomed to kill him/herself so long as there is a glimpse of hope and love. But s/he fails to see rightly because of a clouded mind and a huge pile of life's bruises and uglinesses.

No one "freely" chooses suicide. My brother was free to choose life but he did not maybe because he was already dead long before he killed himself. We lost him way back even before he decided to end his pain.

I never ever doubted God's mercy on my brother. On all the people who took their own lives. I do not judge Eugene. He had enough of that as he spent his whole life here on earth being labeled by people.

My little, big brother is now free from all his darknesses, basking in the love and infinite mercy of our One Father. He who alone can heal Eugene's fragile heart.

I cannot conceive of a God who would punish Eugene in the after life after all that he had been through in his 28 years of earthly life. I believe that Eugene is home with God, his mind freed from all the distortions that he had lived with all his life. He is now in a new realm of existence where he is completely restored and healed.

My brother's short life opened for me new horizons on the meaning of life, suffering and compassion. His death marked me for life in terms of my own vocation as a cloistered Carmelite Nun.

I have become more sensitive with whimpering, fragile people all over, including that part of me who goes through life with my own share of woundedness. There is a Eugene in me in my own fragmented and broken spirit. There are millions of "EUGENES."

Eugene's life and death invited me to a deeper understanding of my own pilgrimage in life. I started to question deeply what life really means for me and where I am going.

In my own difficult times over the years, I had one or two suicidal ideation. Nothing serious but simply a flash of thought. Eugene's death though gave me the conviction that I would never ever let any of my loved ones experience what I and we as a family went through and are still going through because of his suicide.

No reason would ever justify the kind of pain others would suffer because of
such a choice. I do not believe in suicide but Eugene does not need my
opinion on this, he just wants me to continue loving him and to continue
being his sister all my life.

My journey towards healing and my acceptance of his choice, no matter how
painful, is my way of loving him always. My choice to continue believing in
him and to keep him alive in my heart and to celebrate the good person that
he really was meant to be will show him that he never walked this earth in
vain.

The healing journey continues. I would never have reached this point had I
not providentially learned of the FFOS family as I surfed the internet, eager
to read about suicide.

FFOS gave me the safe and welcoming venue where I could put out all the many
"secrets" of my heart. In putting them all out gradually, even the most
shameful and ugliest memory, I was led closer and closer to hope, healing and
Light.

I will always be grateful to the many people who took time to write back and shared with me their own journey or even just those who read and were somehow connected with me in spirit.

It is really of utmost importance for people like us to talk. The million ghosts within us will haunt us endlessly until we begin to speak about them. Sometimes even a thousand tellings are not enough.

Others who prefer to be quiet must of course be respected. We meet each other where we are. I believe there is really NO one special way on how to grieve ??or process our pains.
We go through them the best we can in our own way.

But I am a believer that there is really so much healing in remembering. In owning the truths of our story, no matter how sad it gets. There may never be complete healing but peace and joy will return in time.

Words fail. I know none of this will make sense, especially if one is at the height of her/his grieving. But it is okay. I was there and am still there at times, I know how it feels. We are blessed to have each other.

Faceless though we are. In spirit we resonate deeply because we have been there. No therapist, no priest, nun or any other people in the helping profession can be present to us the way we are present to each other. Unless of course they too were once in the cave of darkness.

I promise to pray for you as you go through the retreat and as you walk home after.

Thank you for being there.

Sincerely,

Mary Fides

Something Must Be...
by Oblivious

Something must be wrong with me
with all this hurt inside,
always bursting with anger,
and never any pride.

Something must be wrong with me
if all I do is cry,
I can't stop this pain
all I want to do is die.

Something must be wrong with me
if my emotions run wild,
all this confusion does
is make me feel like a lost child.

Something must be wrong with me
with all these terrible things,
always there and never gone
depression is what it brings.

Something must be wrong with me
if I can't stop these thoughts,
all this pain does
is turn my stomach in knots.

Something is truly wrong with me
when I think there's only one way out,
"Let this pain end,"
is all my heart will shout.....

Music: Ave Maria

Little Boy, Have You Forgiven Me?

For Eugene, Brother + July 26, 1995

By Sister Mary Fides Eugene
Carmelite Nun, Lipa Monastery, Philipines

In your death I came to know
Your abyss of pain and sorrow.

Little boy, forgive this wounding world
Little boy, you're Home where you belong.

Life's not been gentle to your fragile soul
As you fought your battles alone.

In your death I came to know
I wish I held your trembling hands

I wish I embrace your scared mind.
I wish I was there to cry with you

Little boy, forgive this wounding world
Little boy, you're Home where you belong.

God embraced you with tears in His eyes
For He knew your shattered heart.

In your death I came to know
Little boy, have you forgiven me?

Little boy, I wish I loved you more.
I wish I held your trembling hands

I wish I embrace your scared mind.
I wish I was there to cry with you

I wish I was there to cry with you.
Little boy, have you forgiven me?

Little boy, I wish I loved you more.

Fides...June 26, 04