An alleged true story from an Arsenal season-ticket holder.
His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view.
Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.
After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, someone decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.
The response is legendary:
'Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas. I was f***in' raging!'
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life......John came fifth, he won a toaster...
Breaking news...
Sophie Ellis Bextor was found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer.
Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor...
The boss of a building company has 2 office employees, Anne and Jack but has to fire one of them due to cutbacks.
He calls Anne into the office first and tells her "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off"
Anne replies "You'll have to jack off, I've got a headache"!
Economy explained in cows:
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Governmenttakes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows. You claim government subsidies for eight cows!
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both
are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping
his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the
cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start
up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of theairport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good
hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says:
"You know Bob one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die!"
DATING RITUALS
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's
boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the restof your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home
along the Rio Grande.
The POINT ?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN???
What�s the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8, a guy takes her to bed and tells her a story.
At 18, the guy tells her a story to take her to bed
At 28, the guy doesnt need a story to take her to bed
At 38, she tells the guy a story and takes him to bed
At 48, the guy tells her a story to avoid going to bed
At 58, the guy goes to bed to avoid hearing her story
At 68, if the guy takes her to bed, it'll be some fucking story!
There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish.
He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor
store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack,
give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice
dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and
walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine; and she was plastered. She was singing and dancing, whirling
around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A
crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is,
me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After
waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital
house phone, called the doctor and said,
"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"
The doctor answered,
"You are the father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all
over yet."
After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello,
this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"
The doctor answered,
"You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's
not all over yet."
After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,
"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor answered,
"You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here
all night."
So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey
which he washed down with six pints of Guinness. He then went over to the
phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or
thought he did. Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the local cricket
club.
When the person answered, Paddy asked,
"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"
The person replied,
"All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck."
A kerryman, who had fallen into a lot of money, went to the Dr with an
injured leg.
"That looks nasty", said the Dr, "I'd better give you a local
anesthetic".
"Hang the expense", said the Kerryman, "I'll have the imported one!"
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning
tea, Pat yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi.....Damn! There
goes another one!"
Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?
-Well, I have and I haven't.
-Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?
-it�s like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he
saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it
was neither of us.
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Finnegan.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
> >IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call
