Prompt: 025 ("But there is no other way out that I can see or think of.")

Title: A Choice for Quiet
Author: Etharei (west.for.winter AT gmail DOT com)
Find my stories: My LJ "A Single Shard upon the Shore" (http://etharei.livejournal.com); my personal archive "Truth is Missing" (http://www.geocities.com/etharei_tim)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: None of the recognizable characters, names or places featured here belong to me. This is based on a work of fiction by Professor JRR Tolkien, and regardless of what present-day legalities say, in my mind they belong first and foremost to him.
Archive: OEAM, LoM, AFF; anyone interested is welcome to ask
Feedback: Will be greatly appreciated.
Summary: Elrohir's first-person POV as he makes a choice in the aftermath of the events in "A Rude Awakening". A resolution, of sorts, is reached.
Author's Note: Second in the 'Secret Sorrows' series

I lost my virginity to my own twin brother.

Strangely, I do not mind. Not really. We were both half-drowned in drink, I was not unwilling, though neither of us were in our right minds; yet it could have been worse. Later, I felt relief that the whole matter was over and done with, that at least I had not done it with a stranger, though I would like to think that the only reason I had downed the wine so enthusiastically that night was because I was with my twin, my older brother, the one who had always taken care of me.

But things are no longer the same between Elladan and I. He was no virgin by then, I am sure, so we were already keeping secrets. But this was not really a secret, more of a forbidden quarter, a formidable barrier in our bond where once none had stood. I do not love him any less for it, I think, but I know him less, and have now felt fear of him. Perhaps he blames himself for letting such a thing occur; I have let him know, in every manner short of uttering the words, that I had never held him accountable.

I have told Father that I prefer the quieter life of a scholar over the violent lifestyle of a warrior. He is delighted, of course, though he is as supportive of Elladan taking the warrior's path, and is a little surprised that we would choose differently. I know that it eases him to have one of his sons home at all times; Mother and Arwen have already planned out my days for the coming three months. I am considering furthering my healer-training.

Elladan alone can understand the full reason behind my choice, but as expected he has said nothing about it, only nodding acceptingly when I told him. I feel like a coward, but there is no other way out that I can see or think of; the uneasiness between us is distracting, and has begun to affect his performance on the field. Not only that- every moment of my unrelenting presence further widens the gap between us. Eventually he will forced into choosing between hatred and distance, between fire and ice.

I would rather be parted from him than to have him sunder what remains of our closeness.

I would rather die than have him hate me.

He did smile at me, this morning before leaving with Gildor's company. Perhaps that had occurred to him, too, and he was grateful for my solution.

So go, my brother. I will wait for you to forgive yourself; I will wait for the day you turn to me with guilt gone from your eyes. Find me in that room, on the second floor of a nameless inn, in a mannish settlement I can no longer remember the name of, cold and shaking on the floor. Take me into your arms, and this time protect me from yourself.

TBC