Letters of Leon

August 3rd

I've never been so lonely in my life. Sometimes you don't realize how lonely you are until you really are alone. No one's left for you to turn to when you have a problem, there's no one left to talk to when you need a friend.

I took the chicken's way out, I know that, but I was dying inside. That house was smothering me and I had to get away. Just to prove how chicken I was I left when there was no one there to stop me. I would've faltered under their goodbyes… or, knowing Mia there wouldn't have been a goodbye. She would've asked me to stay, well begged me to stay. It's not in her to do anything else. Her whole purpose in life is to care for people… I would never have been able to look her in the eye and walk out the door.

Vince is the only person that knows where I am. He tried to talk me out of leaving as well but I wouldn't let him do it. I suppose that's why he helped me leave. He wanted to know where I'd be for Leon's sake.

It's hard to just pick up and start your life all over with no planning other than what time you're gonna leave. I just got in the car and drove. I'm back where I started from back at home in the Garden District of New Orleans. The house where I grew up, a house full of memories that smother me even more than the sweltering Louisiana heat.

New Orleans used to awe me as a child… it was a fantastical world of mystery and beauty, but now it's just another prison to me. The tourists clog the streets that never fail to smell of urine and other bodily fluids, with the suffocating heat, this could quite possibly be hell on earth.

Why the hell did I come back here?

I'd called Vince when I got here, gave him the number in case he needed anything and I hung up without another word. He promised he'd keep in touch to let me know how Leon was doing, as well as the rest of the guys. He's called a few times but I haven't answered I just let the answering machine pick up.

He knows I'm here, which he never fails to tell me but leaves a message every time each one ending with "Leon misses you."

If he misses me why isn't he the one calling?

*hmph* Stupid question… I made Vince promise not to tell anyone he knew where I was or how to get in touch with me… that's why Leon isn't calling me. I know I'm partly to blame for the situation I'm in, but how much pain was I supposed to take? Not that I'm not in pain now, I'm just 1800 miles away from the source.

Of course I'll never be away from Leon. He's in my mind twenty-four seven and he's in my soul.

I went to the French Quarter today to reacquaint myself with the city. Nothing has changed since I left. Well, the women are trashier but that's about it. Everywhere I went something reminded me of Leon… but that's to be expected right? After two years with someone things are obviously going to remind you of that person.

I once heard someone say that it takes half of the time you spent in a relationship to get over it.

If that's the case this is going to be one long ass year.

I ran into some friends of mine from college this afternoon. They invited me to a party but I'm not in much of a party mood. Hell I'm not in much of a breathing mood. It's just going to take some time.

Frankie…

-next-

FEEDBACK? GO HERE