Letters of Leon

June 14th

He laughed.

I've never heard anything sweeter than the sound of his laugh. Unexpected but welcome. At first I thought I was dreaming, he hadn't been home when I'd gone to sleep so I guess I chalked it up to imagination.

My dreams have been like that lately, vivid… almost too real.

It's almost like it used to be. Before. I miss him, it's getting harder and harder to deal with but I know I have to. More and more everyday I see bits and pieces of the old Leon… it gives me hope. But I need more than hope. I need Leon.

He has his moments. Sometimes it's like it was when Jesse was here and then it's gone. I can tell when he shuts down, the light in his eyes vanishes and there's a void there that I will never be able to fill.

What am I supposed to do? How can I help him? How can I not take his behavior personally?

I know he loves me, I know he misses Jesse. We all do. But not like Leon. I feel so selfish sometimes because I want it like it was! I know it's not right to feel like that, I feel like I'm disrespecting Jesse but... I'm being shut out and I don't know what to do to stop it.

All I can do is enjoy the few moments I get. I want to spend as much time as I can with him because I never know when that void will be filled… even for a moment. I want to be there for that. I want to make him smile. I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I care about him. I want to enjoy those few moments with him.

I'm just so scared he's going to lose himself because he lost Jesse.

I have to think on the positive. I need to focus on the good. Like yesterday… we were watching a movie with V, I could feel Leon watching me. When I turned to look at him he smiled softly, brushed a stray lock of hair back and kissed me. *smile*

That's what I want… that's what I miss. The random kisses, touches, the I love yous for no reason other than he couldn't help himself.

Side note: I'm gonna have to find V a woman, I'm sick and tired of his snorting when Leon and I get even a little mushy. :-P

Anyway, back to my point…he laughed. This morning he laughed. Maybe I'd just dozed off, maybe I'd been asleep for hours… I didn't know. It was still dark out but I knew it was well past midnight… I'd waited up, but I fell asleep before he ever came in.

I don't know what woke me, but I felt the bed shift beneath me and I opened my eyes to a sea of green sparkling in the moonlight that streamed through the window.

I murmured a sleepy hi and sighed contentedly as he slid beneath the covers and pulled me against him, cradling my in his arms, cupping the back of my head as my face buried in the hollow of his shoulder. It felt so good to be In his arms like that. Neither of us crying, neither of us upset. He just held me.

I closed my eyes and slowly succumbing to my exhaustion…. And he laughed. The last sound I heard. He laughed.

~ still hoping….
Frankie

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