| Shouldn't I Be Less in Love with You? by Michelle |
| I haven't suffered from insomnia in years. There hasn't been a need to stay up most of the night, tossing and turning, while past events and future possibilities tumbled through my brain. For the past three years I have been able to sleep, my mind peacefully quiet. I'm not sure why the insomnia has come back tonight. Nothing has happened to make me fearful of things to come, and nothing from my past is haunting me. Perhaps sleep, like luck, is fickle, laughing at my distress while refusing to grant me that short oblivion. Xander moves next to me, mumbling in his sleep as he steals more of the covers. Usually he wouldn't have to steal them. Usually I'd be wrapped around him, sharing blankets and body heat. Usually . . . I reach out and brush a lock of hair away from his face. As expected, he doesn't react. I've learned there is much I can do to him while he's asleep without waking him. I asked him about it once, how he could sleep so soundly when he knew there were things in the dark that could hurt him. He just looked at me and said, "I trust you, Lindsey." That simple statement still has the ability to take my breath away. Xander knows what I've done, knows what I'm capable of. He knows I was one of the things in the dark and could easily hurt him. And he trusts me. He can be such an idiot sometimes. I smile softly and lean back against the headboard, tugging at the covers. He grunts a little, almost indignantly, but doesn't fight me. That's too bad. A fight for the covers would probably wake him up, which would probably lead to sex, which would help me pass out and sleep. Ah, well, I'll let him sleep. For now. Three years. It's the longest relationship I've ever had. Before I met Xander, I was lucky if a relationship lasted three weeks. There was always some reason not to return a phone call or stick around after sex. The reason was normally Wolfram & Hart, and I severed my ties with them not long after I started seeing Xander. For completely unrelated reasons, of course. Sure, Lindsey, keep telling yourself that. I snort at myself and look at Xander again. Yes, things are different with him than with the others. But I'm still a bastard. I'm still selfish and willing to outside of the limits if it will get me what I want. And he's one of those do-gooder types I've always despised. Convention says one of us should have called it quits ages ago. Overlooking that, it's been three years. Shouldn't I have grown bored with him by now? We've been together long enough for things to have become routine, and routine for me equals boring. While I don't like the kind of fast-paced, run-screaming-into-the-whirlwind fury of, say, Angel's wretched existence, I do like some spice. Something to shake things up every now and then to make it interesting. And routines just don't do it for me. I know three years isn't much, but he has aged some. The laugh lines around his mouth a little deeper and some wrinkles have crept in around his eyes. He's put on a little weight due to good living and not having to run for his life every night. Shouldn't I have started looking elsewhere for something hotter and younger by now? Shouldn't I be less in love with him? He shifts in his sleep again, this time toward me, and opens his eyes. I gaze into those whiskey brown depths and watch as sleep drifts away. He reaches out a hand and runs his fingers along my cheek. "Lindsey? Everything okay?" I take that hand in mine and bring it to my mouth, placing a light kiss on his palm. Then I let go, lift up the covers, and snuggle next to him. He immediately closes his arms around me and pulls me as close as possible. "Everything's just fine, Xander. Go back to sleep." He places a kiss on my forehead and does just that. No, I shouldn't be less in love with him. I love him with everything I have inside me, and that's just how it should be. A/N: The title of this piece was taken from the song "Shouldn't I Be Less in Love with You?" from the off-broadway musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. The song is absolutely beautiful, and I highly reccommend listening to it. back to the archive |