| Top Ten Lists..... Read Them and send me your own.............. Top Ten Things To Say When You Get a Gift You Don't Like 10. Hey! There's a gift! 9. Well, well, well ... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like: 1. "I really don't deserve this." The 20 Shortest Books of all time THE 20 SHORTEST BOOKS: 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson And the World's Number One Shortest book... 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill 1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place 8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".[Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair] 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside".[Evidently, the shoplifter special] 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."[And that would be how...?] 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."[But it's *just* a suggestion] 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert(printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down".[little late for that] 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".[As sure as night follows the day...] 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"[But wouldn't this save even more time?] 8 On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.] 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".[One would hope] 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".[As opposed to what?] 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".[I gotta admit, I'm curious]. 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".[NEWS FLASH: you're kidding!] 13. On an American Trans Air packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."[Step 3: Fly Delta] 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!] 15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hand"[but it works in the movies] 16.On VO5 hairspray- use on damp or dry hair. Further on down the can... do not use on wet hair |