By John Erwin
Jacob smiled and licked the blood off of his knife as he looked down at the crying woman. Her former boyfriend lay in a pool of blood and vomit against the wall of the alley. She coughed and spat blood. He grabbed her by the hair of her head. �What a pretty little head you have! You are a pretty little thing, aren�t you?� He pulled her head towards him and kissed her on the lips. She fought, but he was too strong. Tasting more blood made Jacob very excited. �Let�s take a look at your pretty little face!� He tilted her head so she was forced to look at him. �Take off your cloths,� growled Jacob. The woman wrapped her arms around herself. �Take off you fucking clothes you little whore!� The woman took her clothes off, revealing her very attractive naked body. �Ah, very nice!� Her neck made a delightful sound as he twisted it violently.
Jacob was a strapping young lad of nineteen. He was quite interested in the Arts. He had always had a natural talent for acting. �You are very beautiful and I love you,� Jacob said to his girlfriend. �Your just saying that!� she said. �No I�m not! I mean it!� Vivien, who was Jacobs girl, was a very kind girl whom your mother would love. Unfortunately, she wasn�t exactly an intellectual, a bad thing for an artistic man. But Jacob�s mother loved her, and Jacob had a soft spot for his mother. It was on the day that he was driving to visit his mother that he suddenly had to use the restroom. Vivien, for once, didn�t have to take a piss, so Jacob could go in peace.
Jacob pushed open the door and peed into the urinal. He zipped his pants and turned around. There he saw a father changing the diaper of his baby child. �What a nice baby!� said Jacob as he walked up to the man. �This is mike!� said the man with a smile on his face. The same smile he had as Jacob slit his throat. He made a gurgling sound and fell to the floor. The bathroom was filled with the cries of the child. �I like you baby! I think you�ll have to be mine now!� Jacob had always wanted a child.
�I thought I would surprise you!� said Jacob as he showed beautiful wiggling Mike to his mother. �Viv popped him out a month ago.� Of course, Mike wasn�t really Vivien�s. Vivien was asleep in the car when Jake got back from the bathroom, so the awkward explanation was avoided. Jake�s mom did nothing but gush over the baby. Vivien did eventually wake up, but by then, they were on there way home.
After three years with the baby (Jacob had told Vivien that he was adopted) Jacob had raised him up real good. At only three years old, Mike could already break necks with perfect form! He also knew how fire a gun! Sharpen a knife! It was beautiful. In fact, the only thing that Jacob hadn�t taught him was how to please a woman, for obvious reasons. That didn�t come until age eleven. Jake was so proud of Mike that he could hardly help himself. Mike had the guts to kill other children even!
The night was Saturday, a night of fun for the boys. Mike and Jacob went on an outing every Saturday. Today they were visiting the orphanage. Jacob kicked down the door. �Your not supposed to be here!� Those were the man�s final words. Jacob shot him in the head with a silenced pistol. Mike shot a few times more once he was dead for good measure. �Lets loose the guns,� said Jacob to Mike. �Knives are so much more fun!�
Jacob nearly creamed himself when he saw all of the starving children sleeping in the large dorm area. �Lets have some fun!� Jacob pick up the first little girl and threw her against the wall, where her head smashed like a melon. Jacob and Mike couldn�t help but laughing. Their laughing woke up a little boy near them. �Who are you mister?� said the boy, �Jeepers! What are you doing here anyways?� Jacob pined the boy down to the floor. �Come here son and blood him!� Mike kicked the boy in the chin, causing him to bite his own tongue in half. Blood squirted up into the air. Mike laughed and sliced him from neck to groin. Jacob put his hand into the slit and fumbled around. �Here it is!� Jacob pulled out his hand with the small intestine in hand. �This, my boy, is to best part.� Jacob ripped it in half, gave on of the pieces to Mike, and put him into his mouth and slurped it down like spaghetti.
An hour later, Mike and Jacob watched with glowing smiles the burning remains of the orphanage. The world was rid of 300 more free-loaders. �Those little bastards had it coming, huh son!� �They sure did, dad!� Such noble men spending their time ridding the world of pestilence.
Next they went to the retard home, or what ever you would call it. �More damned free-loaders!� When they walked in, they smelled the smell of human shit. �You sick mother fuckers! You shit your self�s, didn�t you?� Jacob mindlessly shot the man at the front desk and walked over to the animal of a human. �Answer me you fuck!� �Duuuhghuuuuggg!� said the retard. Jacob pulled down his pants and squatted. Jacob took a mean shit. Jacob grabbed the sick bastard and shoved his face in the shit. �EAT IT YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!!� Jake repeatedly stomped on his head until his head and the shit looked like chili. �This is fucking sick!� shouted Jacob , �Lets burn this place down and get out of here! These people shit themselves, can you believe that?�
They were on their way home when they walked by the hospital. �Oh, they have some good stuff here!� said Jacob. He skipped over to the dumpster and dove in. He pulled out a bag. �This is the real stuff right here!� Jacob had found the most gourmet of all foods. �Look at these, their fresh!� Jacob pulled out on of the dead fetuses by its leg. He took a big bite from it. �These are fresh!� Indeed they were. Mike to an instant liking to them. �These are great, but they are the best a little younger! You need em� straight out of the womb!� �Where are we going to find a pregnant woman?� asked mike. �Easy, at the battered women�s home! But lets do that another night, I�m stuffed!� Jacob turned to get the rest of the fetuses to take home for later, but when he looked down at the bag, there was a dog licking the blood off of one of them with its head in the bag. �You fucking mutt!� Jacob held the dog down and asked Mike to please hand him the umbrella he had seen inside to dumpster. Jake shoved the umbrella up the dog�s ass and open it. The dog�s whole back halve exploded and blood, guts, fur and organs flew everywhere showering Jacob and Mike. �These damned strays! We need better population control!� Jacob wiped the gore off of his face and they made their way home.
Jacob went to bed early. He was staring in a play the following day, you see. He was up at the crack of dawn. The play was Shakespeare�s Hamlet. Jacob, of course, was Hamlet. The skull he held in the play was real. As he sat in the green room, he thought about all of the fun he and Mike had had the night previous. �Your on in five!� said the guy that says things of those orientations. Jake cleared his throat and grabbed his skull. It was show time.
�To be, or not to be!� said Hamlet in that weird voice of his. �Is it nobler to�..to�� Jacob cracked a smile and laughed. It was just so funny. He was thinking of the little girls head smashing. He got a boner on accident. The whole theater gasped and then laughed. A gunshot rang through the theater. A straight line of blood fell behind Jacobs head. He fell to his knees, and then flat on his face. The crowd was silent. And then they�.they laughed. They laughed until they cried. �That bastard killed my husband and took my boy!� shouted a trailer-trash woman. The crowd didn�t care. They laughed forever. It seems like everything is funny these days.