| Decided to delete the crap that had previously ocupied the space here to tell the truth. All of the truth, for I can't bear it much longer. I was a good kid - did whatever my parents and teachers instructed - got the topmost grades, never argued with the decisions adults used to take...I was like everyone's pet. They even used to call me baby angel - a nickname that followed me at school...a nickname for which I had to pay dealrly. For the other kids hated me. They hated the fact that the adults loved me, called me angel, that I got good grades, that I always was the first one they asked to take part in concerts and so on. My mom loved that her baby girl was popular amongst the adults...never did she notice that because of her ambition I had no friends. And I suffered a lot. Just imagine, going to school, day after day, and nobody ever talks to you. Nobody asks you to join in their games. All they do is whisper behind your back. And at that tender age, I couldn't understand the fact that they were driven by jealousy. I though I was ugly...that I was a downright loser...good for nothing. I cried myslef to sleep and woke up screaming. Every single night. And I remember each and evey one of my nigthmares, each and every harsh word they flung at me. Each and every rebuff at my feeble attenpts at making new friends. If primary school had been hell, secondary school was a blazing inferno. Imagine having a totally innocent soul - for that's what I was (never had the chance to grow up and understand the world) in a school along with another 2000 raging females...all of which competing with each other. My timid nature started to create the joker facade everyone knows. My true self hid herself deep inside my heart and started noutishing the element of hatred that quickly seeped throughout my soul. And yes. I am ashamed to admit, that when I got into junior college and finally understood why I had been hated so much and the true power a female aware of her femininity , I used all I had grasped to hurt others - male and female alike. My goth image didn't help my reputaton either. Made me stand out of the crowd even more. That's soemthing I cherish. What I don't cherish is what only god knows everyone says behind my back...not that I care much anyway. Gave up on caring allong time ago when I realised it would only make my stomach ulcer worse. Losing the love of my life topped it all up...the oppression my parents have always imposed upon me. Now I'm too tangled in my own web to show what I truly am...what I truly feel. I've done a lot of mistakes in my life, and hurt a lot of people, for which I am terribly sorry. I am not sorry for my image though...the image I project which is so misunderstood. Deep down I am quite harmless as long as you don't try to hurt me. What kept me from taking my life, apart from the great love I have for my brother, is my great love for art. Any kind of art. I believe that the human soul thrives on passion - not the carnal desire, but the need to express emotions...in singing, writing, painting...dancing. That's with what I fill my long and lonely hours. That's what kept me from going mad. Well totally mad actually..I have split personality traits as well as histrionic and narcissistic ones. One fucked up lass. Anywayz I think I had better stop here before I depress you too much, dear reader. What I want to tell you is don't judge a person by his/her appearance. And don't think there is anyone innocent of past crimes. But also remember that no one's perfect...and beofre you start pointing out the mistakes in someone else's character and life, try and wipe clen your slate first. Adeiou |
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| This is a message meant for those who once hurt me. You know it - I'll shall never forgive. I shall never forget. I shall take you down to hell with me. I shall have my revenge. And you shall pay. |
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| Many asked to give a face to this mysterious blackrose. So here you go. Mind you, you are doing it at your own risk. Keep a bucket in reach just in case you feel like throwing up. |
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| I have just started a new chapter in my life. In the evening of the 30th of October 2002 I had deicded to end my life and went on an old bastion from where I could gaze all over Malta for one last time...bidding farewell to the world. I felt that the world didn't need me anymore and everyone would be better off without me. But my friends stopped me...cried with me...and I percievedthat I am loved...that the people that care, know the real me and are not afraid to let me in their lives. Now I feel alive againa and can soar on the wings of destiny without a care. i can be me without caring what other thing. World beware. The black rose is back. |