I mean is it selfish to want a child created by you and your husband? Everyone is making me feel like I am selfish. I feel alienated from society.

Over two weeks have gone by and, I do not feel any better. There are times, during each day, when I want to start crying and hope this hurt goes away. I can't stand anymore advice from anyone. No one understands this hole in my heart. Sometimes I just get angry, mad at the world, at God and at myself. The worst part is we cannot afford to do the ICSI again. We are way in debt and barely able to afford it last time. This means I have to accept not having any children. Deep inside me I know this was our only chance, I am not going to get pregnant without assistance.

I feel like God has abandoned me. Everyone tells me "it's God's will" that we don't have a family. I feel like they are really saying I should accept that He does not care how much I am hurting. He thinks I am not good enough to be a mother.

Well our appointment at the Dr. was no happy visit. He basically told us that he doesn't know why it didn't work. He said many times he has had everything "perfect" and pregnancy has failed to occur. I guess I wanted some answer, or reassurance, that if we went thru this again it would work. Stupid wishing huh. He actually said he would put our chances even lower than before. Today is my Mother's birthday, she would have been 67. I miss not being able to talk to her. I don't think you ever outgrow your need for a mother.

Today was the most beautiful fall day. I love fall and I don't know why. I don't like halloween but, something about fall makes me feel good. I remember going with my dad to get apple cider at the orchard. Cool starry nights and colorful crisp days. I still feel a sadness but it seems to be getting duller as the days go by. I can't even think of the future or what is going to happen. I am still on the estradiol and provera. I can't admit to myself that we've stopped trying. Not taking the pills would force me to face reality.

I think I am going to hang it up for awhile. I cannot continue to think about it anymore. I need time to relax. I was pushing myself because I am getting older but, I just don't feel like it's the right time. I am not sure why, it just doesn't feel good. Kinda like a gut feeling.

We have decided to sell our house. We have some equity in it, and maybe we can pay off the debts we have incured so far, and have enough left to maybe try again. This is the only chance we have of starting our family, maybe it's not so hopeless after all. I still feel very hurt and angry, I just cannot seem to get past these feelings. Only time will tell.

The house deal is on very shaky ground. We found a house we absolutely love! They accepted our offer, now we just need to sell our house in the next thirty days. The bank is giving us alot of grief over the loan, my husband just recently became self-employed. Well it seems you have to be self-employed for two years before the bank will consider you employed! So they consider him unemployed. It doesn't seem to matter that are credit rating is excellent. I can't take anymore disappointments.

Well it's 6 months later and we finally sold our house. We found a new home we both absolutely LOVE! Which is quite a feat in itself. Anyways we did make some money off the sale of our house but, it was not as much as we had hoped. I had to go apply for a second mortgage. What am I nuts?
This will be the last time. I was already to go for the vaginal transfer and my Family Doctor talked me into the ICSI again. I didn't think 10% better odds was worth the surgery, cost and pain. Besides it didn't work last time!!

I guess he is right. I am back on the lupron. It's a good thing I made this website, it's been over a year since I went throught the last treatment. I have forgotten what all the drugs are for! I have to reference my own site, I don't want to seem like an idiot to the nurses. This is the third time I have been taking the drugs.

Well I am totally thru the retrieval and transfer. I just didn't feel like writing about it this time. It's Sunday night and I have to wait until Friday to find out the results. Did the damn thing work? My Dr did it different this time 3 shots of Profasi and no Heparin (thank you very much I hated that shot).

Worst part is I feel like a freakin' guinea pig, like a lab experiment. This medical science is just to new and I don't think the Dr's really know what's goin on. I came out of the transfer very calm and positive. I had ten eggs, he retrived four (boy was I upset! what happened to the other 6?), and only two took and were put back. Needless to say my hopes are fading since he put four back last time and none of them took.

Well once again I receive the phone call telling me "sorry but your not pregnant". I spend the rest of the day crying and drinking till I fell asleep.

Well it's only been a couple of months (four to be exact) and I am doing this ICSI/TET one last time. I have been going through this infertilty crap for over three years. In less than two months it will be the year 2000. After this I am not wasting anymore money, time or emotions on an empty dream.

Yikes! Back to all the shots and bloating and mood swings. I am on day 8 and have probably 11 days left before the retrieval. I seem to be doing pretty good, buy you never know till the transfer how many eggs are good.

Three embyros were placed in me November 18th 1999. After two weeks of wondering and worrying I got my answer December 2, (exactly six months to the day I received the last phone call telling me the procedure hadn't worked July 2nd).

"Sorry, Burdette but I don't have good news for you". That's what the nurse said.
One word "Sorry", how can it explain the 4 years of medical procedures, 183 injections I gave myself, 78 IM injections my husband gave me, 6 surgeries that left me with scars which now remind me of my failure.

There are no words nothing anyone can say to erase the $30,000 debt or the emptiness we feel. All people ever say is it only takes one, well I had a total of NINE possible babies in me, nine live embyros and not one of them stayed. How do I answer the question which has been asked hundreds of times, "Do you have any children?". The hair dresser, the dental hygentist, the store clerk, all people just partaking in innocent conversation. If I just say "No" most of the time I get a "Your so lucky" response. Each time I hear that a part of me dies inside.

I feel like I will never get over this, the anger, the sadness, the frustration. A part of me will remain empty forever. Everytime I go out anywhere I see babies. Every store flyer I open has a section for children's items. Everyone I know has a child. Commercials on TV for EPT or First Response, news stories, billboards, magazines, church, schools, holidays, and everywhere you look. Everybody is always talking about their kids or their grandkids. There is no support group in my area, I checked. So I will get up every morning and somehow find a reason to get out of bed.

Update

It's 2002 and I thought I should add a note that after a couple of years I can now be mostly comfortable with not having a family. I got a job teaching high school teenagers culinary arts. I don't mean to sound like everything is alright but, I also didn't want to leave anyone with the feeling that if it doesn't work for them they will be miserable for the rest of their life. The students seem to have filled an important part of me. It all depends on you. It took me two years to fully get rid of the anger, sadness and depression over not having a child.

It's 2004 and I am not able to teach anymore. I was diagnoised with multiple sclerosis. Yup, turned 40, a few months later I woke up and my life as I had known it was gone forever. Unfortunately, with a shitload of time on my hands that void in me has resurfaced and the feelings I thought were gone are here again. I feel an emptiness I can't explain or fill.

It's 2007 and my sister can't believe I am
"not over it yet, it's been over ten years".
I've decided I'm keeping my feelings to myself. No one really wants the truth, when they ask "so, how are you doin"?.