Running the Maze
Running the Maze
Our journey started 3 years ago in 1995. My husband had a vasectomy years before we had ever met, when he was with some else. After alot of research we decided we had better odds and less expense if he had a vasovasotomy.
Well the operation was not successful enough to make any babies. Now I know what your thinking "low sperm count", actually there are about 25 different factors into a semen analysis. He actually has more sperm than normal, but they got another problem. Motility, seems the little suckers gotta move alot and in a certain direction, preferably upwards.
I should also add in I had been keeping a BBT chart for months, and could not figure out when the heck, we were suppose to be doing it. Well after going to the crotch doctor, (which I recommend you bypass and head to a fertility specialist & save time) he concluded that I was not ovulating regularly. Duh, I coulda told him that. Anyways he puts me on clomid. After 4 months I have to come off that drug. My ovaries had become "hyperstimulated" and were literally the size of grapefruits. Now that was some mega-discomfort.
Now I go to the specialist and after a questionaire, blood work, another semen anaylsis, he orders a HSG and P.C.T.
Whew! Are you still with me? It's now over 1�yrs since this maze running started and I am getting tired and cranky. The physical endurances are minimal. The real tough part is the emotional strength needed for you and your marriage to endure. I think that's the hardest part, dealing with your spouses and your feeling at the same time. Who is suppose to be the comforter when you both are feeling bad?
After all the tests come in from the infertility specialist(from now on refered to as: "The Baby Maker" or Dr.BM) we are told our best option is ICSI. This was something I had definately not wanted to hear. It sounds so unromantic and clinical and unnatural. But, we had tried all the other methods and failed.
When I talk to my close friends (all of whom have kids) they always say the same thing. "Why are you putting yourself through all this?" "How can you stand it?" To which I answer "what choice do I have?" I mean it's not like it's going to happen any other way. Realistically speaking of course. I believe that the ultimate "baby maker" is God and no matter what you do, if it is not His will, then forget it. I also believe it is His strength that allows me to continue test after test, drug after drug.
How many parents can say, before their children are born, that they felt as strongly as I do, that they had to work for their children? I feel as if I have to earn them. I have thought about this for the last 5 years, this is not some whoops I missed my pill.
Anyway back to the maze. So Dr. BM starts me off on the ICSI schedule. I learned how to inject myself with Lupron and how to mix the Gonal-F. They started me off first on Premarin and Provera. Something about me being 35 and because of that my ovaries need a little vacation. So for a month I take the P & P (premarin & provera).
Next they start me on the lupron. Then about ten days later I start with the Gonal-F shots. So now I got two shots in the morning before I go to work. I should also state, when they start you on the Gonal-F, you have to start having vaginal ultrasounds & your blood drawn. These happen about every 3-4 days. See it just keeps getting better doesn't it?
Actually, at this point I was so excited that something was actually happening I didn't even care. After months of sitting, waiting, for the right time and then it passing, then waiting for my period...which always came it was good to be in control. I was very excited and felt good about myself for the first time in 2 years.
During about the 2nd ultrasound my blood work and test showed I had only produced two eggs and my FSH was still at 20. I could tell this was not good, from what was going on to the other women. One woman said she had 12 eggs, another 18! Later on that day I get a call to double my gonal-f dosage. Now I am getting 2 injections before work and one before I go to bed. My upper thighs looked like a war zone. I had run out of virgin skin to inject. But, I still didn't care, I could see the light in the tunnel I was finally going to quit running this maze! Freedom from the doctors and a baby!
Of course, all my family & friends had kept a healthy dose of skepticism about the whole thing. "Don't get your hopes up" was their favorite mantra. "Hey, this was my first happiness in years you think I am going to listen to them?" I had my foot on the gas and driving without a care, free-wheeling and in control. Control of my life and body, which you don't miss until, doctors tell you what you are going to do, and when your doing it.
Three days before the retrieval the nurse called me in the office. "your body has not been responding as the doctor would like, so we are not going to do the ICSI". Well my car just skidded out of control and slammed into a wall. I felt wrecked. All my hopes and effort halted, in just one sentence. She did go on to explain, after two more months on P & P again, I could start over again.
Well the "waterworks" (as my sister calls them) started to flow and didn't stop for a few days. Of course, everyone around me couldn't understand why I felt that bad. After all I could try again, so how do I rid myself of my feelings? The feelings that I wasn't woman enough, or that God must be punishing me for something.
Well slowly my heart healed and I picked up the pieces. By pieces I mean all the baby things. For the last couple months I had picked up a few baby items. No I didn't start to decorate the room or buy furniture. I knew you were thinking that! I grabbed a box and packed up everything that even remotely reminded me of babies. Call it superstition or old wives tales but I am a believer now.
I also felt my mother(she passed away 3 months before this) was my special angel watching over me. I knew she was going to take care of me. One month passed and I went for my monthly blood test. Everything was doing fine but, I was going to have to wait another month. I wasn't timed right for the next group of women. So here I sit making this web page waiting for three months to pass by. Three months that I was suppose to already be pregnant. Here comes my 36th birthday. There is no "happy" in this birthday.
Well it's my 36th birthday and I wake up to my Dad singing happy birthday into my answering machine. I get up feeling not to happy especially since my period started yesterday. All I could think of was I was supppose to be two months pregnant by now. It's Friday so I decide to call Dr. BM since all my pills are gone and I need a refill.
The nurse calls me back and tells me the Doctor wants me to start with the lupron and gonal-f today! I can get into the program this month and I don't have to wait!!! I totally don't expect this to happen. Then I realize, my Mom has just sent me a Birthday present. She gave me a "Happy" Birthday afterall.
I was planning on going on pergonal this time since gonal-f didn't work last time. I give in to the gonal considering I am not really looking forward to pergonal shots in the butt.
Hop on to the next page 
If you our someone you know is taking Premarin please check out the innocent slaughter of female horses site before you take anymore. I did have a link to the website but they keep changing the page. Basically to make premarin female horses are kept pregnant and the drug is made from the urine of pregnant female horses.