Thoughts

Today, the 29th of March 2005, I ordered the movie. I'm with this club that makes you buy particularly books four times a year. This is the first time I order a movie at this club, I'm really looking forward getting it. They mostly are very fast with delivering goods.
This is the place where I wanted to spit out thoughts, but right now I find it hard to do. The movie is so full of emotions, that I can't express how I experienced these. But there's one thing I want to tell right now, this movie feels like my own, because it reflects many of my feelings. It actually felt like a comfort to me when seeing others struggling with theirselves. I never saw a movie displaying this situation, this fase so truely, so harsh, like this one. Because life to me is nothing more than this. Finding a reason to live..finding a goal, finding happyness..or just hope again. And it was so beautiful that they took a girl who just finished her study at the University. A bright girl, a smart girl. The fact that she was a smart girl made it even more harsh I think. Most of the time smart girls make smart choices, or hardly have to do anything to get what they want. At the opposite, this girls was completely lost, lost in herself, just stuck in her situation. Ofcourse I think all would become fine with her, but that's why I appreciate it so much to see her, and him ofcourse, stuck in uncertain times of mind. Now I think the movie could be a lot more harsh when making it rough, but I think this subtleness of emotions and expression of the people gave so much more impact. It shows the emotions in a way they are as important as happy emotions, this movie is almost an ode to feelings we call 'negative' today. This girl and the man found each other, luckily, but I experience when I'm too tired of everyting, people trying to avoid me. I guess they see I haven't got a happy expression on my face, and that maybe is ugly to them, or frightening. Or they just think: I'd better leave her alone. I don't think people care a lot about each other anymore, in this growing society of individuality my loneliness is growing. Yes, because people think it's better leaving each other alone, not asking how I am. Ofcourse I have my friends, they are there for me. But I'm not always with my friends, I mean places like school, the street, my home. And it hurts having to ask friends for a shoulder, so I choose to tell them everything, but just as a fact. I need them to know me, understand me, but it's hard to express myself..I can't really express myself to my bf, first he is a boy, second he is him. Plus he doesn't know how to really handle me, he doesn't really know what I need emotionally. As opposite, he shows he do cares in his way, so I'll find some piece in that. He hardly tells me what's on his mind, so I guess that's why he doesn't understand why I always want to talk and let out everything what's on my mind. So, I'd better keep my troubles for my friends instead =P! Most of the time I don't even dare to say to my bf that I'm not feeling okay, because then he always show the sad-emoticon, like he's sad because I'm sad. I'm not asking him to be sad because I'm sad..I don't need pity at all! Plus I just don't want him to be sad at all!! ^^;; Ah well, he got issues, so I try and not bother him with me anymore. Maybe I sound bitter, and in some way I am, but then I remind myself he's a boy. But yea..sometimes that sounds like a crappy excuse. But one thing I do know, I love him with whole my heart, I'm really fond of this boy ^__^! Our lifestyles really differ like day and night, but as long as we respect this and are willing to make compromises out of love, all is good!