The ritual feast is pureed.

Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.

The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.

Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.

The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.

The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.

The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.

When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.

It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.

The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.

You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.

You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.

You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.

At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.

You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.

You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.

You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.

All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed

Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.

A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.

No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.

When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."

When you set comfy chairs around the circle.

When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.

You do anointings with Aspercreme.

The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.

You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.

You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.

You use a walker during the Wild Hunt

You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.

You need a flashlight to find the candles.