The Brothel is looking for Mr. Right.
Just fill out this application and return it with a photo and three references
attached, and we'll get back to you! Thanks!
The Basics
Name __________________________ Date
of Birth__/__/___
Hometown _______________________ Major
____________
GPA _______ Religion _____________
Social Class (nerd, etc.) ______
Height ______ Weight _______ Eye Color
_________ Hair Color _____
Extra curricular activities_________________________________
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
Each day, how long do you spend...
...studying?
...sleeping?
...socializing?
...grooming yourself?
...playing College Jeopardy Online?
...surfing the internet?
...chatting on ICQ/AOL IM/etc.?
...playing Quake/Tomb Raider/Final
Fantasy VII?
...participating in an athletic activity?
...lawn bowling/playing bridge/shuffle
boarding?
...talking to your family?
...procrastinating?
...watching TV?
How often do you...
...shower?
...eat cauliflower?
...change your socks?
...remove ear wax with something other
than your finger?
...go on dates?
...play computer games?
...utilize sarcasm?
...read a book?
...experience the fine arts (NOT computer
generated)?
...watch ESPN/other sports?
...golf?
...eat Ramen?
...drink milk?
...look at pornography?
...tell lewd jokes?
...dance naked?
...attend music concerts?
...wear a suit?
...go to church?
...cut your fingernails?
...shave?
...mountain bike?
Do you know how to...
...tie a square knot?
...help me with my CS/Chemistry/Biology/Calculus
homework?
...cook?
...dance? if so, what kind?
...beat up my tormentors/defend yourself?
...draw/paint?
...write fiction/poetry/love letters?
...flatter me?
...speak a language other than English
or Pig Latin?
...do your own laundry?
...dress yourself?
...garden?
...build a fire?
...identify constellations?
...perform CPR/Heimlich maneuver?
...play Spite and Malice?
...socialize?
...be tactful?
...tell jokes/stories?
...pack a suitcase?
...boil water?
...give a massage?
...let go?
...tie a tie?
...program a VCR?
...bite your tongue (not literally)?
...submit?
...admit that you are wrong?
...make hospital corners?
True or False
___ I watch Star Trek.
___ I discuss Star Trek regularly.
___ Premarital sex is okay.
___ I have common sense.
___ I have a sense of humor.
___ Other people have said that I have
a sense of humor.
___ I have taken a girl to a fast food
restaurant on a date.
___ I kiss on the first date.
___ I leave the toilet seat up.
___ I have to coexist with my girlfriend.
___ When something smells bad, I try
to get other people to smell it.
___ Your friends are my friends.
___ My friends are your friends.
___ I am a neat freak.
___ I am a freak.
___ I either smoke or do drugs.
___ Others have described me as anal
retentive.
___ Poems must rhyme.
___ I am a cheapskate.
___ I call females babes.
___ I consider myself to be a "player".
___ Green and orange match.
___ Navy blue and black match.
___ Purple and brown match.
___ Brown and black match.
___ Purple and orange match.
*If you answered true to any of the
last 11 questions, please discontinue survey and place in the nearest recycling
bin.
Fill in the Blank and Multiple Choice
You have ____ ex-girlfriends.
a. 0
b. 1-2
c. 3-5
d. 6-10
e. 10 - I was too drunk to remember
Your purity score is ___.
Your favorite color M&M is _____.
You can benchpress ___ pounds.
Your favorite store is __________________.
Your favorite movie is __________________.
Jeans are to be worn ___ times before
laundering.
You change your sheets ___ times each
quarter.
Cologne is used:
a. to enhance the smell of a clean
body.
b. to cover a stench.
c. in place of a shower.
You shower ___ times each week.
You prefer:
a. Coke
b. Pepsi
How do you feel about...
...abortion?
...underage drinking?
...the crisis in Yugoslavia?
...the Monica Lewinsky scandal?
...capital punishment?
...shag carpeting?
...Burger King french fries?
...STD's?
...Febreeze?
...Winnie the Pooh?
...Jennifer Aniston's hair?
...CS1501?
...MP3's?
...Van Gogh?
...syntax, grammar, and spelling?
...fraternities/sororities?
...Bach?
...black chunky shoes?
...our couch?
...shopping?
...nature/environmental issues?
...cauliflower?
...brussel sprouts?
...recycling?
corollary: Will you take out ours?
...Leonardo DiCaprio?
...Wing Zone?
...Fred/Piece/Bunny/Hoot-Hoot?hungover
pigs?
...Clogs/Birkenstocks?
...butt-crack parted hair?
...the Spice Girls?
...Pez?
...VW's?
...picnics?
...gravel?
...precipitation?
...cotton?
...body glitter?
...tines?
...chick-flicks?
...Fiddler on the Roof?
...musical theatre?
...Days of our Lives?
...clean-shaven legs?
Short Answer
Define iambic pentameter.
What kinds of music do you listen to?
Cite examples.
What movies do you like?
What is your favorite book? Discuss
it briefly.
Where do you like to shop?
Do you have a car on campus? If so,
what is the make, model, year, and color? Would you be willing to drive
me around at my request?
What kind of cologne do you wear, if
any? Why?
Do you like kids? Why?
What is your definition of "fun"?
Describe your relationship with your
ex-girlfriends.
What do they say about the green M&M's?
Is that funny?
Essay Questions
* Please answer these questions in 500 words or less each on a separate sheet of paper.
1. Describe the ideal date.
2. Describe your feelings on practical
jokes and detail any really good ones you've pulled.
3. Describe your relationship with
your mother.
4. Why do you qualify as Mr. Right?
5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
10? 20? 50?