Announcer: Dr. Laura�s talk show is filmed in front of a live (but heavily drugged) studio audience.
Cue Dr. Laura�s theme music: "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
Announcer: And here�s your host, Dr. Laura!
Audience claps sleepily
Dr. Laura: Hi everybody and welcome to the show! On today�s show we have an extra special feature about Superheroes and the problems they face. I�m not just talking about battling super villains, I mean their special problems, and many of their problems were kept a secret for years. So let�s get on to the show!
Dr. Laura walks into the crowd
Dr. Laura: Let�s welcome my first guest, the former Alpha Flight member, Northstar!
Audience claps half bored and half confused
Dr. Laura: He�s Gay!
Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Northstar: I would just like to thank you for letting me come on to ta-
Dr. Laura: Yeah whatever! Isn�t it true that you once tried to seduce your former teammate Sasquatch?
Northstar: What?
Dr. Laura: Yes! You said quote �All that fur turns me on�
Northstar: Oh my goodness no! I would never attempt to seduce one of my teammates.
Dr. Laura: Isn�t it true that you were the reason Alpha Flight broke up? Wasn't it because they couldn�t stand you and your queer ways?
Northstar: What? That wasn�t why we broke up!
Dr. Laura: Why did you break up then? Uh-huh! That�s what I thought.
Northstar: I thought I was just here to tell my story!!!
Dr. Laura: Well you thought wrong moron! So anyways the rumor is that the reason you became queer is because you�re a dumb Canadian!
Northstar: Why did you do this?... muh...huhuhuh...
Northstar breaks into tears and runs away
Dr. Laura: Yeah get lost you queer! We�ll be right back after this commercial message!
The camera pans the crowd and Survivor�s Rudy is shown smiling
After The commercial...
Dr. Laura: Well that was a big waste of time! So on to the next guest. Please welcome Witchblade!
Guys in The audience: Yeah! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!
Sara walks onto the set in a suit showing almost no skin
Guys in audience: Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Dr. Laura: Hello Sara! It's so nice of you to join us!
Sara: Thanks! It�s my pleasure.
Dr. Laura: I bet it is!
Sara: What?
Dr. Laura: Oh face it you little nympho, you love it when men scream for your body.
Sara: What! Just because I dress like that as a superhero it doesn�t make me a skank!
Dr. Laura: Oh come on you little slut! You are a nympho just like the other freaks on my show.
Audience: Whooooooooooooooooo! Dissssssssssssssssssss!
Sara: Slut? I�m a cop you bitch! You�re just jealous because your body doesn�t look like this
Sara rips of her suit revealing her Witchblade costume
Dr. Laura: Oh right you Barbie doll! Why would I be jealous of you?
Sara: I saw those pictures of you on the internet and whoa baby are you jealous! Or at least you are now!
Audience: Catfight! Catfight! Dr. Laura ewwwwwwwwww!
Dr. Laura: That�s it! It�s go time you F***ing slut!
Dr Laura rushes Sara but guards hold the two apart until Sara is escorted off of the stage
Announcer: We�ll be right back after these messages!
Bill Clinton is shown smiling in the audience
After the commercial
Announcer: Announcement! Dr. Laura is now on at 4:30 in LA, NYC and pretty much everywhere else. Now back to this piece of crap we call a show!
Dr. Laura: Well that was a big waste of time. Stupid Skanky whore! Well let�s bring out the next guest, the man formally known as Speedy, Arsenal!
Arsenal walks out to absolute silence
Dr. Laura: He�s part of The Titans...(crowd does nothing) with Nightwing and Flash!
Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (They clap)
Dr. Laura: Hello Arsenal! Now let�s get down to business... you�re a druggie!
Arsenal: Former druggie. I don�t do that anymore, I�ve got a kid to look out for.
Dr.Laura: Oh sorry! My mistake! (turns to the crowd and mouths �yeah right�) So how long has it been since your last hit of smack? 5, 10, maybe 15 minutes?
Arsenal: What? Are you mentally challenged or something!? I just said I haven�t done drugs for years!
Dr. Laura: Look, I�ve had a few hits of smack in my time. I even keep my dealer on speed dial. I know what it�s like to be famous and spend all your money on crack and then have a stupid show that�s dieing right in front of my eyes...I err...Uh...I mean your addicted aren�t you?
Arsenal falls on the floor in laughter
Announcer: I think we should go to a commercial
Robert Downey Jr. is shown in the audience smiling
After the commercial...
Announcer: Announcement! The Dr. Laura Show has been cancelled. After this episode, re-runs of "Hee Haw" will air in it's place. If you want to continue watching the show, you need some serious help. A psychiatrist will stand by for your calls. Now back to this crap hole we call a show...
Dr. Laura: Now let�s get on to our last guest. This episode and forever, the X-Man known as Wolverine!
Audience: (goes nuts) "X-Men was da Bomb! Yo!"
Dr. Laura: Hello Wolverine! How are you doing today?
Wolverine: What!! You mean your not going to insult me like you did to all those other people on the show? Well?
Dr. Laura: What do you mean? I would uh...never think of... uh...trying to insult a man like you
Wolverine: What!? You think I�m going to cut you up or something? well I just might if ya get me angry ya stupid broad!! (Wolverine smeels the air) Something doesn�t smell right
Dr. Laura: Uh..what..uhm...what do you mean? Everything�s fine! I have nothing to hide
Wolverine: Something�s wrong about you!! (Walks up to Dr. Laura and rips off a patch on her throat revealing an adam�s apple) That�s it! You�re a transsexual whore! You�re a freaking guy!!
Dr. Laura: Nooooooooooooooo! You stupid idiot mutie Canadian!!!
Wolverine: What? Nobody insults Wolverine!!! (breaks into a berserker rage) SNIKT!!! It�s clawing time! (he walks towards Dr. Laura and raises his clawed hand when everything goes black)
After the censorship...
Everyone is dancing around Dr. Laura�s decapitated body
Audience: Ding Dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The stupid, ugly, skanky bitch witch! Thanks Wolverine! Hooray!
Announcer: So Wolverine you just decapitated Dr. Laura, what are you going to do now?
Wolverine: I�m going to Disney World! (Gives the thumbs up)
The show�s credits roll
The End