Title: The P-Word
Rating: R
Warnings: silly, language, major self-insertion, yaoi, the P-Word, general
offensiveness
Pairings: background 3+4
Author's Note: . . . .
Quatre: ::plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: Welcome, welcome, one and all! Wufei and I are here today to discuss various euphemism for the P-Word. Say hello, Wufei.
Wufei: Hn.
Duo: Hey, he does a pretty good Heero imitation!
Wufei: What?! How dare you?! Chang Wufei imitates no one!!!
C.A.: ::ignoring the amazing display of kung fu going on behind her:: Now, the P-Object tends to show up a lot in Gundam Wing fanfiction. This is mainly because one, all of the pilots- and most of the characters- are male, and two, people like them to have sex with one another. This results in lots of limes and lemons. Yummy.
Trowa: Pervert.
C.A.: I don't hear you protesting.
Trowa: Would you be if you were in my position?
C.A.: ::considers that for a moment:: Good point. Anyhow. In the interest of avoiding undue repitition- and, perhaps for some, a bit of naughtiness attached to the actual P-Word- a number of euphemisms are used. Recently, I was put in a very strange mood by the ruling that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional, so I decided to write about male sexual anatomy. Makes perfect sense, ne?
All: ::blinkblink::
Heero: I think I'll self-destruct right now and save myself the pain.
C.A.: Here we go!
Quatre: ::wearing a red flannel shirt, jeans, and hiking boots- generally looking like a lumberjack- plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: First, we shall discuss something very important to Wufei: his manhood.
Wufei: ::swaggers in, dressed as a lumberjack as well, an axe slung over his shoulder::
C.A.: Now that is what I call a manly man!
Wufei: ::takes a chomp of a roast beef sandwich, chews with his mouth open, swallows, belches:: (haughtily) I will not ask for directions! ::scratches his chest::
C.A.: Wufei's manhood seems to be well intact! But if he gets really worked-up... wouldn't that result in, eh, dripping or stiff manhood?
Wufei: ::begins hacking away at trees with his axe::
Duo: ::holding an ice pack over one eye:: Look at him go!
Wufei: ::sets about clearing the whole forest::
C.A.: Uh, isn't that a bit much, Wufei?
Wufei: ::ignores her::
C.A.: That's a man for you- doesn't listen to good woman-sense.
Wufei: ::finishes clearing the forest and walks by, dripping with sweat from his hard day's work::
Duo: He's gonna feel that when he gets up next morning! ::chuckles:: Those Preventers do less work than state workers- he's not used to that much work anymore. Hey, Wu-man, want me to call for a chiropractor appointment right now?
Wufei: ::growls:: Maxwell...
Duo: ::runs::
C.A.: Smart boy...
Quatre: ::strolls by, still wearing the same outfit as Wufei:: (singing) I'm a lumberjack and I'm O.K., I sleep all night and I work all day! I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I like to press wild flowers! I put on women's clothing and-
Wufei: ::pales:: NEXT!
Quatre: ::in a black cape and half-mask a la the Phantom of the Opera, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: Wow. Your organ is huge, Wufei.
Wufei: It's an antique. No electric blowers in this instrument. It's from some church in Germany.
Duo: ::cautiously peeks in:: Say, is Wuf-
Wufei: Maxwell! There you are!
Duo: I just heard someone say that Wufei's organ is huge. Always thought he had an enlarged appendix or something. Why else would he always look like he has a bug up his ass or something?
Wufei: Maxwell!
Duo: ::runs::
Wufei: ::gives chase::
Treize: ::walks in:: (to C.A.) You don't think Wufei would mind if I played with his organ, do you?
C.A.: ::sweatdrops::
Treize: I've always had a particular fondness for classical organ music. ::sits down on the bench::
Quatre: ::walks by singing random songs from Ragtime:: His fingers stroke the keys, and every note says please, and every-
C.A.: NEXT!
Quatre: ::wearing a white doctor's coat, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: How did he make out, Dr. Winner?
Quatre: Just fine! ::beams:: We'll be seeing you for another check-up next year, Wufei!
C.A.: (to Wufei) So... What did he say about your... length?
Wufei: ::bristles:: (mutters) 156 cm.
C.A.: I'm still half an inch taller than you are!
Wufei: Shut-up.
C.A.: I'm taller than a Gundam pilot!
Wufei: I said shut-up.
C.A.: I've never been taller than an action hero before! What's it like, having this webmistress be taller than you?
Wufei: NEXT!
Quatre: ::suited up in a military uniform, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: What time is it, General Winner?
Quatre: It's time to get up in the morning!
C.A.: But what shall arouse sleepy Wufei?
Record Player: ::blasts recording of bugle reveille over the loudspeakers::
Wufei: ::stumbles out of his barrack with a baseball bat, beats the record player, goes back to bed::
Record Player: ::dies::
Quatre: So much for Wufei's arousal. Oh, well. Time to wake Trowa up!
C.A.: NEXT!
Quatre: ::sporting a Gold's Gym t-shirt, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: Now, it's well known that many fangirls marvel at Wufei's hardness. Today, Ponytail Boy himself will tell us the secret to his amazing... physical qualities.
Wufei: 200 crunches a day, stupid.
C.A.: Wow! ::taps Wufei's tummy:: Now there's what I call abs of steel!
Wufei: Don't touch me! NEXT!
Quatre: ::looking oh-so-slick in a long black coat and dark sunglasses, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: And now...
Wufei: ::enters. with an afro. and big sideburns. looking scarily like Richard Roundtree.::
Narrator: SHAFT.
C.A.: I don't know about you... but I'm frightened! NEXT!
Quatre: ::dressed like a random Backstreet Boy, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: Now, we are here to talk about members- aaaack!
Swarm of Rabid Fangirls: ::stampedes in, foaming at the mouth::
C.A.: ::is trampeled a la The Lion King::
Fangirl: We're members of the Wufei Fan Club!
Wufei: Stupid onna. Go away.
Swarm of Rabid Fangirls: Eeeeeeee! He said ONNNAAAAA!!!!! ::glomps Wufei::
Wufei: :sweatdrops:: NEXT!
Quatre: ::wearing a white chef's hat, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: Now we move on to the ubiquitous cock.
Wufei: ::holding a dead rooster by the neck:: (proudly) I can cook it twenty-seven ways.
C.A.: You said it, not me.
Wufei: ::a fanatical gleam in his eye, he whips out an array of cooking utensils:: Baked-
C.A.: This is, by far, the most commonly found euphemism for the P-Word.
Wufei: -broiled-
C.A.: According to- ::ducks an errant carving knife:: -Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, published in 1994-
Wufei:-fried in a delicate batter of lotus flour-
C.A.: -a cock as a noun is: first definition, a rooster, or second definition, the male kind of any bird, especially of the gallinaceous kind, such as turkeys, pheasants, etc.. ::swats at flying feathers::
Wufei: -served with a side dish of lightly steamed vegetables in brown plum sauce-
C.A.: ::dodges various unidentified flying objects as they come whizzing from Wufei's direction:: If the first or second definition is taken, one might imagine the discomfort- not to even mention the squick factor- of a person sticking his cock up his partner's-
Duo: ::now sporting two black eyes, wanders in carrying part of a dead bird and indignantly rubbing his hind end:: Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that I just got hit in the ass by the head of Wufei's cock?
C.A.: NEXT!
Quatre: ::sending increasingly naughty glances in Trowa's direction, plays trumpet fanfare::
C.A.: Finally, we have... well... I'm actually not sure what to do about this one.
Wufei: What?
C.A.: Well, this was supposed to be the section for "erection," but that's not really a euphemism at all. It's technically a state of being in which an organ containing-
Wufei: You just wanted to make a rhyme with "erection," didn't you, you pervert?
C.A.: ::insulted:: I intended nothing of the sort!
Wufei: Whatever, whatever.
C.A.: ::angrily:: Why do you have to be such a prick all of the time? Any time I try to do something, you don't care at all, unless I fail, of course, in which case you have to go and rag on me about it! I don't have to take this!
Wufei: This is a stupid fic. I didn't want to do it in the first place.
C.A.: You- I- well- you've just got penis envy, you bitch!
All: ::gasp!::
Wufei: ::faints::
C.A.: ::shrugs::
Curtain: ::falls::