Title: People Change
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: songfic, friendship, implied shounen-ai, angst,
language
Pairings: implied 4+3
Summary: The year after the Mariemeia incident, Quatre finds himself
reminiscing. He discovers, though, that the pain of the past is not
put aside as easily as he had once believed.
Author's Note: Italics indicate song lyrics. 'Italics
with single quote marks indicate thoughts.' C&C are welcomed!
Disclaimer: As a tiny little writer of fan fic, I do not own Gundam
Wing. I also do not own "People Change," written by Scott Leonard of
Rockapella. Rockapella is very cool. "People Change" can be found
on their album Rockapella 2. And please don't sue me. This was
written for entertainment purposes only and no money is being collected.
Didn't hear a tone, are you- hello?
Never hear a tone, I guess you know
I can't remember what I called to say
Thought you might be home on Saturday.
The cruel, monotonous ringing ceased as the receiver slipped heavily into its cradle. Always, always that same ringing, over and over again, the pathetic call of an unanswered telephone. There wasn't even the empty comfort of hearing the voice of an answering machine. Nothing.
In times past, I'd at least been able to talk to the unfeeling machine, hiding my disappointment and filling up the tape with meaningless chit-chat. (How are you? -How are things going? -We haven't talked in a while, what's new? -Are you ever there? We really need to get together sometime.) The phone number changed frequently, however, and eventually the answering machine disappeared. Now, the phone just rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and...
"Mr. Winner?"
...rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and...
"Mr. Winner, are you all right?
My head jerked up and I pasted on a smile. "I'm fine," I said, my eyes finally coming to focus on the young woman sticking her head into his office. "Why do you ask?"
She flipped some stray hair out of her face as she tapped her watch. "It's getting late. You should be heading home by now."
I looked at the clock on the wall and my eyes widened slightly in surprise. It was nearly six o'clock. "I suppose that I lost track of time. Thank you, Miss Lashonda."
"You shouldn't be making me look after you like this, Mr. Winner. You're going to work yourself to death."
"Believe me, you don't have to," I laughed. "I already have twenty-nine older sisters; the last thing I need is another one. You can head home now. I'll be right out."
"Goodnight, Mr. Winner. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Miss Lashonda."
She left. I was alone. Again.
I really can't believe it's been a year
It took a little time without you here
I'm guessing you survived alone somehow
It's good that I can joke about it now
Standing up, I found myself somewhat stiff. 'How long have I been sitting here?' I wondered as I stretched and, in doing so, knocked a picture frame off of my desk. After I straightened up some of the papers crowding my desk, I stooped down and picked up the picture. I looked at it. And I felt like I was about to cry.
It was a plain, oak picture frame. The picture inside, however, was anything but nondescript. It was a picture of five boys. One was glaring at the camera while another boy, one sporting an extraordinarily long braid and a devilish grin, was giving him bunny ears. The boy with the braid was also restraining a Chinese boy from impatiently walking out of the picture. In the back stood a boy who was taller than the rest; he simply stood there, looking impassive as ever. A blonde beaming a bright smile stood in front of the tall boy.
"How are you guys doing?" I whispered to the picture.
My finger slid over the smooth glass covering the photo. It stopped at Heero.
'We're not fighting now,' a voice echoed in my head. 'Go and play with the dogs.'
I'll freely admit that Heero Yuy is one of the most amazing people that I've ever known. I admire him greatly. Partially because of all that Perfect Soldier stuff- his skills, both mental and physical, are amazing- but also because of... well, something else. He's not the inhuman creature that some people make him out to be. True, he isn't your average guy and it takes a bit of time to get accustomed to his rather different ways, with the Death Glare, the general antisocial-ness, etc.. Underneath it all, though, he is characterized by his deep commitment to the people he loves.
That's the best way I can explain it. It's rather difficult to put into words. But Heero Yuy is a very special person. He's also special to me as a friend and comrade. After the Mariemeia incident, however, we lost touch completely. I'm assuming that he's either living a normal life somewhere or is off working with the Preventers. Truthfully, I hope that he's living a normal life, something he's never had before. He worked so hard for this peace, gave everything he had for it; he should take some time to stop and enjoy it.
Speaking of the Preventers, I know that's what Wufei is doing. My finger slides to the Chinese boy who's half-in/half-out of the picture. I was slightly surprised yet so happy that he was offered a job with the Preventers after the Mariemeia incident. I think something like that was what he needed most at the time.
Out of the four other pilots, Wufei was probably the one I knew the least. Then again, he was probably the one that everyone knew the least. He never seemed to want to be a part of the group. Heero may have been antisocial but he was undeniably a core member of the team. Wufei, on the other hand, always seemed to keep a slight distance between him and us. Given the fact that he's with the Preventers, I have no clue as to his location. He hasn't contacted me, either, though that is no surprise.
'I need to get out of here.' The ticking of the clock somehow made its way into my brain and reminded me that if I didn't get home soon, I would have to deal with an irate Iria, Rashid, Abdul, Ahmed, Auda, et al. Setting the picture down on my desk, I slipped on my coat and grabbed my briefcase. I almost walked out of my office then and there, but I quickly went back and grabbed the picture. Apparently a little too quickly, as I nearly dropped the thing, only managing to catch it just before it hit the floor.
I breathed a sigh of relief, then frowned as I looked at it. My fingers had smudged the shiny glass covering the photo. My hands had marred that happy memory. My hands, so stained with blood, that had- No. The last thing I needed now was to be angsting over wartime memories. The war was over with now. There was nothing I could do to change what had gone before.
I figure that if I tell myself that enough, perhaps there will be a day when the ghosts of the past will cease tormenting me.
Still frowning, I breathed on the glass then rubbed it with the cloth of my vest, attempting to clean it off. Re-examining it, I saw that the smudges were all gone. Except for the one on Duo.
Duo. I frowned. I'd called him yesterday, but there was no answer. I mean, I called him at home and got the answering machine (What is it with those things? They're so infuriating!) and I also called him at work... and got the answering machine. That worried me slightly. The scrap yard was supposed to be open- it had been 2:00 p.m., Friday, after all, regular business hours- but all I managed to hear was the cheery "Hey, you've reached the Maxwell & Schbeiker Scrap Yard! This is Duo Maxwell. Sorry that we're not here now, but leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a nice one!" of that answering machine.
I've grown to really hate answering machines.
In any case, though, I hadn't received a call back. I would try again when I got home, I decided. Then, I grabbed my stuff and walked out of my office.
I still avoid the park at Christopher
Never want to feel the way we were
Unless I'm in a hurry for that train
And that's the only newsstand open late
I decided to walk home that day. It was a beautiful evening- not that the colonies ever really experience bad weather- and besides, I just felt like walking. The last thing I wanted was to be cooped up in some car with a chauffeur driving.
Passing a park, I smiled at the group of children who were playing on the playground. I paused and watched them. They were so happy and unaware. Trowa had always been good with little kids.
Both my mind and my feet came to an abrupt stop. Where did that come from?
'Where did all of this come from?' I thought with a shake of my head. I'd never thought that it would be like this. I suppose that I had a somewhat idealized vision of what things would be like once we won peace. There would be no more wars, no more killing. We'd all return home and be happy. We'd all be friends like we had been during...
People change, everyday
Change like you
I've got all the time in the world
Heaving a sigh, I shoved my hands into my pockets and trudged along the sidewalk.
When I caught myself heaving another sigh, however, I stopped at a phone booth. This could not go on. I was calling Duo. Now.
Humming a little tune to myself, I waited impatiently for someone to pick up the phone at Duo's apartment. If I got that damn answering machine again, I was going to be very annoyed. There was a soft click as someone picked up the phone.
"Hello?" came a distant-sounding female voice.
"Hello, Miss Hirde!" I replied, deliriously happy to actually be able to speak with someone from... before. "This is Quatre. How are things going?"
A pause. I frowned slightly. "As well as can be expected, I suppose," Hirde finally replied.
"Well.... That's... That's good..." 'I guess....' "Um, may I speak with Duo please?"
There was another silence. Then I realized that it wasn't total silence. There was soft crying on the other end of the line.
"Miss Hirde...?" I asked, my anxiousness clearly betraying itself through my voice. "Hirde, what's the matter?"
"I-I'm sorry, Quatre... It's just...." Her voice trailed off.
"It's all right, Miss Hirde," I reassured. "Just take a moment to collect yourself." 'And let *me* know what's going on!' I thought as my worry multiplied with every second of silence.
"Quatre..." Hirde finally replied, her voice trembling. "Quatre, Thursday night... Duo tried to kill himself."
You know that sensation when you eat or drink something cold too quickly? That sudden shock of freezing, mind-numbing pain that hits you square between the eyes? That's approximately what I felt at the moment. Only in this case, the numbness hit my entire body and remained for a number of minutes.
Thursday.... ~*flashback*~
I had been at a business meeting with the CEOs of a construction business from L2. We were discussing a certain terraforming project in the L5 cluster over dinner. The discussion brought back sad memories for me, as I remembered the day that colony self-destructed, leaving Wufei alone.
In any case, I was in the middle of inquiring about the labor costs when I suddenly felt a sharp constriction on my chest.
"Mr. Winner, are you all right?'
A cold sweat broke out on my forehead as I glanced up. The two businessmen had jumped up from their seat and were looking rather panicked.
"I'm fine, it's ju-" Another sharp jolt of pain cut me off.
'Allah... What is it? What is happening?' A flood of voices began seeping through my consciousness.
"Someone call an ambulance or something!"
"Mr. Winner, just stay still..." ~"I" ~ "Can" ~"can't"~ "you stand-?"
~"-stand this anymore! Every single fucking day I go through the same thing! Every single fucking night! It never ends. NEVER. GOD! Oh, wait, I'm sorry- you don't exist, you sadistic mother fucking son of a bitch. There's only Death. Death is.... Peace... That's all I ask for... The only thing... This way, at least-" ~
~"Hey, where'd ya go to?"~
~"-no one else has to deal with me... With my hell... I can't deal with this anymore... just... can't.... All I want is..."~
~"-where are you-"~
~"Here goes fucking nothing."~
I let out a strangled cry and collapsed to the floor as a streak of white pain slashed through me. Through my entire body... through the core of my soul...
"Mr. Winner, we called an ambu-"
"Thank you. But I'm fine," I smiled weakly, grabbing the edge of the table and using it to help me stand. 'Though someone else is not...' "But... but I think that perhaps we'd better call it a night..."
~*end flashback*~ ... at about 7:15 in the evening.
"Allah...." I finally breathed in the phone. "M-Miss Hirde, is there anything I can do to help? Where is Duo now?"
"He's in St. Clare's Hospital here on L2caxx06 right now. As soon as his wrist heals- he only got to one, thank God- we're having him transferred to Four Winds."
"Is he... accepting visitors?"
"Yes. In fact, I think that it might be good for him to talk to you."
"I'm coming over there at once."
"Quatre, wait. The hospital is already closed to visitors. You'd be arriving in the middle of the night. Take the time to get properly packed and all that..."
I glanced at my watch. She did have a point. "I'll be flying in first thing tomorrow morning."
"All right... I guess... I guess I'll see you then...."
"Yeah... Good night, Miss Hirde."
"G'night, Quatre."
Click. She was gone.
Slowly, I hung up the phone. The reality had not yet set in. Numbly, I walked out of the phone booth and sat on a nearby park bench, setting my briefcase and the picture on the seat beside me.
People cry, all the time
Cry like me
We've got all the time in the world
Then, I noticed a wetness trailing down my face. Unashamed, I buried my head in my hands and cried my eyes out, not caring if the people walking past thought that I was a nutcase. Hell, they don't know what I'm like when I've really lost my mind.
My crying slowing a bit, I leaned my elbow on the armrest and let my chin rest in my hand. Wufei would have said that I was weak for sobbing my eyes out like that, especially in public and all. A smile trembled on my pale lips, not reaching my red-rimmed eyes, as I shook my head. Wufei was wrong. Crying was not a sign of weakness.
It was at that moment that I realized that I never remember Duo crying at all. Not a single tear during the war, none anytime after. I wondered if he ever cried when he was a child.
Was that a sign of what finally caused him to snap and want to take his own life? Was that cheery exterior simply a bottle, containing a swirling mixture of turbulent emotions? Perhaps, then, the internal pressure grew to be too much and bottle finally broke, shattering into a million sharp shards of Duo...
Wiping my eyes on the back of my sleeve, I picked up the photograph. There was still a smudge over Duo's image. Gently, I breathed on the glass and cleaned it off with the cloth of my vest.
If Duo could not cry now, I prayed that my tears would be enough for now and that I could weep for the both of us.
It's been so long that no one even asks
And everyone is walking on the grass
Grass that took a while to reappear
I'd forgotten green without you here
Gazing at the picture, my eyes fell reproachfully on the final figure, the one I had been trying to keep from my thoughts.
"Trowa," I whispered, "why aren't you here to help me?"
Irrational? Definitely so. Perhaps some side effect of the ZERO System that I don't know about. Jokes aside, for some reason, I was angry at Trowa. I was angry that he wasn't here with me. He should be here, shouldn't he?
As much as I love being able to help people and hate being a burden to others, I too need emotional support at times, believe it or not. I don't mean to sound bitter. Tired or drained, perhaps, but not bitter. Sometimes it's amazing how lonely one can be, even when one is surrounded by loved ones.
I'm amazed at how lonely I can be.
It's just not the same without my fellow ex-Gundam pilots. Especially Trowa. He was supposed to be my best friend. Best friends are supposed to stick together, right? I understand that we couldn't literally stick together; our paths led in two different directions. But he could have at least done me the courtesy of keeping in contact.
At the risk of sounding pissy... If I didn't know better, I'd say that he's avoiding me.
Christmas came and went upon this bench
Trying to justify what made no sense
Now the ivy's overrun the tears
But it can never hide what happened here
I curled up in the corner of the bench and hugged my knees to my chest, looking more like a small, lost child than a multi-millionaire and CEO of a major corporation. My mouth twisted into a dry smile at the thought.
Sitting there, I took turns picturing each of my friends sitting next to me. What would they say? What would they do? Surely, Heero, Wufei, and Trowa would all be stronger than me. Of all times, why did I have to be weak now, when Duo needed me?
My thoughts drifted back to how Trowa and I had once sat side by side on a park bench much like this one. Then I reminded myself that I was supposed to be mad at him. With a sigh, I let my shoulders sag in defeat. I couldn't force myself to be angry with anyone at a time like this. The emotional strain was too much.
Unfettered, my mind drifted back again to that park bench. I had been sitting there alone and being swallowed by guilt, much like I was now. Wishing that there was someone with me...
I reached over and propped up the picture. Four friends and one stranger sat next to me on that lonely bench.
"Please..." I whispered, beseeching the photograph for something I could not identify.
People change, everyday
Change like you
I've got all the time in the world
This wasn't right. Duo and I were supposed to be the happy ones. So much for happiness. Duo attempted to commit suicide and I was sitting alone on a park bench, crying my eyes out and talking to a photograph.
Sure, things were supposed to change after the war, but they were supposed to change for the better. I no longer had to kill. I no longer had to hurt anyone. It was supposed to be everything for which we'd fought.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
People cry, all the time
Cry like me
We've got all the time in the world
What would the others think, if they saw me like this? Ms. Noin or Ms. Po would rush to comfort me. Wufei or Heero would maintain a respectful distance until I got ahold of myself enough to work things out. The old Duo would have offered a grin, and a hug, and would have said that everything would be all right, even though he didn't believe it himself.
Trowa... I didn't know what Trowa would do. I still don't know.
I hope that he would look at me and say nothing. His presence would be enough to say that everything would work out, eventually. It's amazing how much one can say with silence.
But I'm supposed to be mad at hi- Oh, never mind. I don't have the energy to bother.
I slowly stretched myself out and got up off of the bench. Grabbing my briefcase in one hand and the picture in the other, I continued walking home.
Filling in the conversation by myself
Filling the reasons why you're leaving, leaving me now
Thinking back, the hope we had was more than mine
More than mine
The streets were nearly empty, most normal people being home by this time. Trudging along the sidewalk, I felt so abandoned. Like an abandoned puppy. So helpless, so needy, and so lonely.
And betrayed. Why was I left alone like this? Try as I might, I could find no reasons.
Now I had two voices barraging me, proclaiming my guilt.
'You should have helped Duo! You are his friend! You, of all people, should have known and been able to help him! You have failed him!' one screamed at me.
The other voice cried, 'You are still the selfish brat that you always were! How dare you take Tro- your friends' affections for granted! It is not their duty to make you feel loved! You are so selfish! You should be ashamed!'
My cheeks burned. I was ashamed.
When it all began, I was not fighting for myself. I was fighting to protect those I loved, to keep people from having to fight or experience the pain of war. My fight eventually turned into one of vengeance. I tainted it.
Now, I needed to force myself to swallow the bitter truth. The peace for which I had fought was not my peace. It was a peace for everyone else . I was selfish to try and take it for myself.
The hope we had was more than mine
But Duo... that peace should have been for you, too.
Perhaps I now have a better understanding of what drove Wufei to join Mariemeia. The absence of war does not necessarily imply peace.
Heero, Duo, and Trowa had probably grown up in hells that I cannot even imagine . But Heero and Trowa were strong. And Duo had an excuse.
I... I have no excuse.
I know it makes sense to you
Just make it make sense to me
Was there some part of this that the others comprehended I and did not? I still remain mystified.
'Someone... please... come to me... help me...' I shook my head and made myself continue walking. Right now, it was my duty to help Duo. Not to get lost in my thoughts and wish that Trowa was here with me, partially so I could yell at him and partially so he could help me.
There are my sisters and the Maguanacs who always offer me the unconditional love and respect I so little deserve, but it's not the same. They were not Gundam pilots. They were not fifteen-year old children thrown into a war with the burden of humanity's fate weighing on their shoulders.
Yet I continue to live- buried in my work, a smile forming on my face by habit, being suffocated by my own feelings, and waiting for a friend to come dig me out.
Maybe I'm alive beneath the snow
Maybe you're too petrified to know
I can't believe that you would tell me lies
How could I have missed it in those eyes?
My memory traveled back to day during the war. I was a mess of hyperactivity that day, victim of an overdose of Diet Coke.
"Trowa!" I called, rushing up to meet my fellow Gundam pilot.
"Hello, Quatre," he replied softly, his lips curving up into the slightest hint of a smile.
I didn't come off my caffeine/aspartame high the entire day. We didn't have any missions, so it was time for fun! And no, not that kind of "fun." There wasn't anything like that between the two of us. By fun, I mean things like cruising town, going to the mall, seeing a movie, etc.. Normal things. Basically, we got to spend the entire day enjoying the rare pleasure of acting like normal fifteen-year olds.
Later that afternoon, Trowa had just pulled the car into the driveway of our current safehouse. I'd been chattering the entire way home, not minding that I was basically having a conversation with myself. For some reason after Trowa parked the car, I can't remember what led up to it, I just threw a grin at him, laughed and said, "And we're gonna be best friends together forever, right?"
There was a slight pause.
"Right," came the distant answer.
I was so wired that my brain didn't process that pause. I didn't notice his quiet tone of voice nor the odd look in those haunting green eyes of his.
Maybe if I only heard your voice
I would understand you had no choice
Though I'm glad it's clear for you to see
I wish that you could make it make sense to me
Well, apparently I had been wrong in my assumption. And yes, I am bitter about that.
I'm amazed that I didn't walk into anything or get run over while I was walking. I certainly wasn't paying much attention to where I was going. My mind was in too much of a whirl to concentrate.
Wufei... Why did you try to isolate yourself?
Heero... How are you able to survive like you do?
Duo... What happened to make you want to take your own life?
Trowa... Why did you leave me like this?
That is the answer I want most of all. I want to have him right in front of me while I say it to his face and make him answer me. Rejection hurts, whether it be that of a lover, a parent, or a friend. I want to know why he thought he could hurt me like that.
Quatre... What's wrong with you?
People cry all the time
Cry like me
I've got all the time in the world
My head bowed. It was only then that I realized that my feet had slowed to a stop. I stood there, motionless. I had cried too much already and did not have the strength to cry anymore.
Flowing in and out of your life
By tomorrow morning
Flowing in and out of my life
Realizing that I was really late today, I forced myself to continue walking home.
Suddenly, a poster, fluttering in the breeze and glowing in the setting sun, caught my attention. I walked over to read what it said.
People change... everyday...
"Ladies, Gentlemen, children of all ages! From May 20 though May 27, the greatest traveling circus will be visiting this colony!"
People cry... all the time...
The picture slipped from my fingers and crashed onto the hard concrete.
People change... everyday...
And that is how I ended up kneeling on the sidewalk, my hands filled with shattered glass, tears of blood seeping through my fingers.