Title: Keep It Gay
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: songfilk, silliness, yaoi, OOC, language, OC, tiny
self-insertion
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 5x13, etc.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to people far more powerful
than I. I had no role in creating them and take no credit or money.
Similarly, "Keep It Gay" by Mel Brooks (a.k.a. God) from The
Producers is not mine.
Author's Notes: This is set up like the lyrics in a CD liner, with
sung lines all in CAPS and actions in (italics and parentheses). It
also makes more sense if you picture fan fic writers having to get their
characters to cooperate with them. (I know that I often encounter various
types of resistence from my characters, original and non-.) But who
ever said that things had to make sense?
Fan Fic Writer #1
Listen, Quatre, did you get a chance yet to read our fanfic "Springtime
For Wing ZERO?"
Quatre
Read it? I devoured it! I, for one, never realized that "ZERO"
meant "Zoning and Emotional Range Omitted."
Fan Fic Writer #1
Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you boys will do it?
Quatre
Do it? Of course not.
CARTOON NETWORK IS SO KEEN
TO KEEP ANIME CLEAN
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT OUR READERS WANT TODAY
FICS SHOULD BE MORE PRETTY
FICS SHOULD BE MORE GRITTY
FICS SHOULD BE MORE...
What's the word?
Fan Fic Writer #2
Gay?
Quatre
Exactly!
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO ON THE PAGE
KEEP IT COY, KEEP IT YAOI, KEEP IT GAY!
WHETHER IT'S MURDER, MAYHEM OR RAGE
PLEASE DON'T VEX, HAVE SOME SEX, KEEP IT GAY!
Duo
OTAKU ALL LONG FOR
A PERFECT ROMANCE
WHERE ONE PILOT WANTS TO GET
IN HIS KOI'S PANTS
Quatre and Duo
A JUICY LEMON AND THEY'LL SHOUT "HOORAY!"
Quatre
READERS DANCE WITH GLEE
Duo
IF HEERO ENDS UP WITH ME!
Quatre
KEEP IT GAY...
Duo
KEEP IT GAY...
Quatre and Duo
KEEP IT GAY!
Fan Fiction Writer #1
Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Quatre, to
make "Springtime for Wing ZERO" just as gay as anyone could possibly want.
So, c'mon, do it for us, please.
Quatre
No, sorry, dear, but it's simply not my cup of tea. Still, fair is
fair, perhaps I should ask the rest of the team what they think. This
is my Death Glaring, psychotic,
but-able-to-get-in-touch-with-his-sensitive-side-for-the-sake-of-love-at-the-last-possible-moment
friend, Heero.
Heero
DON'T GET SHOT, KEEP IT HOT, KEEP IT GAY
(He is violently glomped by Duo)
Quatre
And here's my honorable-but-plagued-by-sleeping-with-the-enemy-angst
friend, Wufei.
Wufei
I AM GOING TO KILL THAT C.A.
(Author glares)
(Wufei sighs and resumes staring longingly at a photo of Treize)
Heero and Wufei
ANTISOCIAL AND DRIVEN,
WE MIGHT SHOOT YOU DEAD
BUT YOU CAN SURE BET THAT
WE'RE DAMN GOOD IN BED
Quatre
Next, Trowa, my.... dear friend...
(winkwink, nudgenudge)
Trowa
Hi there...
(He executes a somersault and triple flip, landing at Quatre's side)
(And his hair doesn't move)
Quatre
And, ah, finally, last and least, the delusional, obsessive object of torture
who finds out again and again... Relena Peacecraft.
Relena
(Through gritted teeth)
KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY.
Fan Fiction Writer #2
I don't think we're getting to them. What do we do now, tomodachi-san?
Fan Fic Writer #1
Watch this. Quatre, listen, I think that "Springtime for Wing ZERO"
would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to now, you've
always been associated with weightless fluff.
Quatre
You're right. I've always felt as though I've been throwing my life
away on silly relationships. Sappy scenes where you can all but see
the rainbow-colored random geometric shapes floating in the air.
"Aishiteiru!" "Forever, my koi!"
Duo
Oh, Quatre.
Quatre
It's enough to make you go insane. Nonetheless, gomen, dear, I just
couldn't do "Springtime for Wing ZERO."
Fan Fiction Writer #1
Why not? Think of the lust-driven angst.
Quatre
No.
Fan Fiction Writer #1
Think of the sex.
Quatre
No, no, no.
Fan Fiction Writer #1
Think of... the Pocky!
Duo, Heero, Wufei, and Trowa (and Relena)
POCKY... POCKY... POCKY... POCKY... POCKY!
Quatre
Ngaaaahhhhh!
Fan Fiction Writer #1
What's the matter?
Fan Fiction Writer #2
Is he all right?
Duo
He's having a breakdown...
Fan Fiction Writers #1 and #2
What?!
Duo
...of creative inhibitions!
Quatre
I see it! I see it! At last. The chance to do something
with some weight!
Duo
QUATRE WINNER PRESENTS HIS STORY!
Quatre
Of course, the whole second chapter has to be rewritten. They spend
the night sleeping?! Excuse me?! It's too tame!
Duo
QUATRE WINNER PRESENTS HIS STORY!
Quatre
But maybe... It's a wild idea, but it just might work...
I SEE PILOTS GATHERED IN A SAFE HOUSE
A KODAK MOMENT, TRULY A GEM,
WITH LEATHER BOOTS AND WHIPS ON THEIR HIPS
IT'S RISQUE, DARE I SAY, S. AND M.!
Duo et al
Love it!
Quatre
THERE'LL BE NOTHING THAT IS LEFT UP TO CHANCE,
DOWN TO BOYFRIENDS WEARING VERY TIGHT PANTS
AND WAIT, THERE'S MORE- JUST SCREW THE WAR!
THE SCENES WILL BE JUST OUR ROMANTIC MUSTS:
"AISHITEIRU," "YOU ARE MY LIFE, KOI"
"HARDER, FASTER, NOW!"
KEEP IT SASSY, KEEP IT CLASSY, KEEP IT-
Fan Fiction Writer #1
That's brilliant. Brilliant! Quatre, I speak for my co-author
and myself, when I say that we cannot do justice-
Wufei
Justice?!
(Duo, Heero, and Trowa (and Relena) quickly pin Wufei to the floor to prevent him from physically forcing Quatre to agree)
Fan Fiction Writer #1
-to "Springtime for Wing ZERO" without you. Will you do it? Please?
Fan Fiction Writer #2
Please!
Quatre
Wait a minute! This is a very big decision. It might effect the
course of my entire fictional life. I shall have to think about it.
I'll do it!
I'LL DO IT!
Duo, champagne!
(stops)
Wait a sec. We're all underage.
Duo
Who gives a fuck.
(Everyone cheers)
The Pilots (and Relena)
WHATEVER COMBO YOU WISH TO WRITE
KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY
SOMETIMES A THREESOME'S A REAL NIFTY SIGHT
KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY, KEEP IT GAY
Duo
GREAT ARE THE STORIES THAT THRILL AND EXCITE
Relena
Excite?
(She sweatdrops)
Duo
PLOTS TEND TO BORE US
Quatre and Duo
(They eye their respective lovers in a rather predatory manner)
AND RUIN OUR NIGHTS
The Pilots (and Relena)
ALL US TEENAGERS WANT IS GOOD LAY
(The Fan Fiction Writers hold out a contract with Disclaimers, Author's Notes, etc..)
Quatre
I'LL SIGN...
Heero
SIGN...
Wufei
SIGN...
Trowa
SIGN...
Duo
SIGN...
Relena
SIGN...
Fan Fiction Writers #1 and #2
Sign!
Quatre
Quatre Winner and Co.!
All
KEEP IT GAY!!!
(Duo glomps Heero, who flips Duo over the couch and follows suit. Trowa
sneaks up behind Quatre who yelps in surprise when he's suddenly dragged
under the table. Wufei stares longingly at the photo of Treize until
Treize and Zechs suddently appear and pounce on him. Fan Fiction Writer
#1 and Fan Fiction #2 face-vault and stare. Relena rolls her eyes and
flips off the lights.)
Aishite iru: I love you
gomen: Sorry
koi: (noun) love
tomodachi: friend