do you know how hard it is to turn away from someone beside you in bed to prevent them from seeing the tears in your eyes – unexplainable tears leaving you mute with helplessness and rigid with exhaustion to maintain self-control – because you’ve already learned how empty are the words that come spilling from your lips
i’m too young – too young – too young to be jaded to the mysteries and ecstasies of sex and love and life – too young to feel the pricking of annoyance at human touch – too innocent to turn my mouth from another’s in revulsion and contempt – too much of a child still to cause pain and know how to react – how to remain standing up under layers of sad lonely guilt behind eyes and lips and skin
i used to look at people and wonder what it would be like to kiss them – later i’d imagine what they’d be like in bed. i never like to wonder about either much anymore, though force of habit sometimes works against me. neither is enticing – both seem... ridiculous – futile – unappealing. i see people together and i think of relationships and love is not a part of it, love fits nowhere into my equation – and i don’t want that. i don’t want a relationship of convenience or entertainment, one based on nothing but attraction or boredom or something equally mundane and worthless.
part deux