There is still this little matter of my crush on Hazel. It doesn�t consume me right now, but it is still there. I am in control now of my feelings about her but I contain them and discipline myself again now. I temporarily lost that but its back. Which means I can still feel the way I do but I exert some restraint now. I can still have the crush just keep it to myself. And there is nothing or no one that says I can�t have a little fantasy of my own about all this. And I do.
She is very attractive and very intelligent and she has a subtle sexiness about her. A real cool outside demeanor but I feel underneath that cool together in control exterior there is a vivacious sexual female. I want to see and experience what lies just beneath that cool in control exterior. It kind of scares me but this is the pull I believe the attraction I have for her. I want to see that sexual ness and that sensuality out of control and preferably with me. It makes my heart beat ten times faster to think of her being nude laying before me in the throes of passion. This drives me up the wall. I would like nothing better than to just sexually pleasure her for as long as she wants and as much as she can take before a peaceful tiredness overcomes her to rest peacefully for awhile in warm intimate comfort.
To me she is so incredibly sexy. And yes I do have a little fantasy and it goes like this. I don�t have an appointment but she calls me up pretending like she can�t remember if I set one up or not. I tell her no I don�t think I can make it this week. She says well come on anyway I need to talk to you about something; there are things we need to discuss. I say okay. I get there and I wait on her. The whole time I am waiting all the scenarios go through my head. All the different ways I could seduce her and pleasure her for hours on end. This would pleasure me just to see how many times I could bring her to orgasm. Anyway back to the moment she drives up the moment I see her I get butterflies in my stomach and I start fidgeting.
I�m not uncomfortable don�t get me wrong I just find it hard to resist keeping my hands to my self. I do but it�s really hard. She says �hi how are� and I can barely speak. I mutter a meek �hello�. She smiles and says �come on in when you�re ready.� I say okay. But I don�t keep her waiting long I suck up my cigarette reach down deep inside for my courage and walk inside. I close the door and walk over to the couch to sit down. She is watching me the whole time. This doesn�t make me uncomfortable. I take off my coat and sit down on the couch. I look at her and smile and she smiles back and says �so how�s it been going?� And she always asks �have you heard from Vickie?�. I say �It�s been hectic you the season and no I haven�t talked to Vickie. Let�s talk about something else.� She says �Okay, what�s on your mind?�
I look at her seriously contemplating what I want to say and finally say it in the simplest terms possible. �You are on my mind.� I look at her no smile just an honest look, she stares back, not sure what to say. Then I say �Well do you have any comments about that.� She is still looking at me. And then she looks down at her hands folded in her lap and says �Well I�m not sure what to say besides I�m flattered and you know this happens in these cases don�t you?� I say �Yes, I do. But, this doesn�t seem to go away and I know only one way to make it.� And she says �How�s that?� I say �Well, we either need to talk it out and you tell me on a personal level that you are not interested and you are straight and have never even considered or harbored a thought about being with another female and that will that or you can say from a professional position we can�t do that considering you are my client and I am your therapist and that will be that or you can not want to have anything more to do with me as client/therapist and tell me I should seek another counselor or you can just send me away period and never have to bother with me or it again.�
She looks at me seriously giving it some thought I can tell by the way she is frowning and she says �Why would you think I could just send you away altogether with or without a suggestion to seek another counsel?� I say �Well, that�s because it�s your professional choice and your personal prerogative to do so at this point. What I have just disclosed to you about how I feel about you.� She says �Well, yes it is but I am not going to do that. By the way, you forgot one option. Would you like to hear it?� I said �Of course.� She continues �I could suggest another counsel for you die to that disclosure, end our client/therapist relationship to pursue and intimate personal relationship with you. And I can�t believe you being so smart and aware of things and how you feel and other people�s feelings that you didn�t mention that one or even think about it.� Then I smile and look at her and say �Who says I didn�t think about that one? Who says I forgot it or overlooked it? I may have not mentioned it on purpose. And that purpose would be to let you bring that one up-the very one I was hoping to hear.�
I am looking down at the floor totally devastated and she hands me a card. I am afraid to look at her for fear of seeing disgust or something like it on her face towards me and what I have done. I take the card and put it in my pocket, never looking up and she is standing right beside me. She says �Well, I think, in spite of all this new development in our relationship your hour isn�t up, but, I think we need to call it off early. I�ll give you your check back.� I am hearing but not wanting to believe I am hearing it. How could it have gone so wrong, I ask myself out loud enough for her to hear. She replies �How could it be so wrong I am canceling the rest of your session so we can go someplace quiet to get a drink and talk some more.�
She smiles slyly at me and replies �I should have known that�s what you were doing and how you operate.� She crosses her arms and looks at me contemplating I guess my next move. So I obliged and made it. That was my reason for omitting that option, to see if you considered it. You did. And you even mentioned it. I figure if you thought it and there was no interest there then you would have not mentioned it and went with one of the options I did propose. Now, that said, why did you choose to mention and paint that particular option out?� She still just looked at me smiling. Then she said, �I�ll give you a card from one of my colleagues to seek counsel from. We can�t continue our present client/therapist relationship.� I am stunned and confused. I say, �What does this mean?� She smiles and says �It means exactly what I just said.� I was still stunned and confused. I didn�t know what to say or what to do, I was devastated. I say, �I�m sorry for this, I just have to say how I feel, no matter what the consequences and sometimes the stakes are high and these, I guess, were the highest ever for me. Well, no one to blame but me.�
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