mixed media sculpture
& four framed photographs
sculpture approx 10x3x3 inch
framed photographs 6x4 inch
[click here for more images]
LONGING
This body of work originated by my listening to friends and colleagues talking about their experiences of motherhood. This led me to consider my experience as a carer, and the closest I could come was my relationship with my artwork, my toys, and my dog. Partly out of feeling left out, partly through jealousy, partly through longing, I wanted to create something to confront my feelings.
By making the dog baby, I am attempting to recreate something I have lost (my dog), and to create something that I have never known (a child) at the same time.
SATISFACTION
Once I had completed my dog baby, I felt compelled to look after it and carry it around with me. It quickly became a fixture in my home. I did not find myself in a state of longing. Inanimate as it is, it still evokes maternal feelings (amongst other women also, it has been held by many females since it was made, not by my invitation).
Later, I took photos of myself with the dog baby, attempting to create scenes of motherhood - scenes of comfort, fear and paranoia. These are the feelings that first come to mind when I think of the mothers that I have known. By taking these photos I hoped to illustrate the awkwardness of my attempted relationship with the dog baby.
DISSAPOINTMENT
Having changed a baby (doll) into a dog like creature, which I found more satisfying and likeable, I considered whether this metamorphosis could be applied to myself. I made a simple mask that resembled the dog baby's face, and took photos of myself in it with the dog baby. I found that this did not change my experience of the dog baby. I didn't feel particularly dog like. I tried some howling and crawling around on all fours, but I didn't get much out of this other than a feint feeling of ridiculousness.
By now, I think my interest in the dog baby had waned significantly. I came to realise that it could not be any more than it was: an object. What it represents - baby - mother - motherhood (which for me seems like a combination of desire and disgust) - need - dream - nightmare - something altogether bizarre - is not so much an intense concern for me now. I'm a few months older. I've had time to think about things, to come to terms with my own understanding of my needs/fears. I do not feel left out of all of this motherhood stuff. I have never been much good with the thought of responsibility outside of my artwork.
ABANDONMENT
This is the stage I am now in. I am done with the dog baby. The object itself that I once fetishized and adored just bothers me now, makes me feel uncomfortable and ultimately reminds me of what my biological purpose is. I do not want to know. Relegated to a box of past art work the dog will go. However this in itself may be the stepping stone to a new kind of work.
The final stage of this body of work is a series of photos accompanied by words that describe the phases I have gone through since the beginning of this work. To begin with Longing, to end with Abandonment seems very much like the cycle of real motherhood - we all leave home sooner or later. I have abandoned my dog baby but I cannot help but think it has in some way abandoned me.
EDMR. January 2008.