4/18/00
It has come to my attention that one Mr. Gregory Jackson has taken it upon himself to write a rather scathingly vague essay on the uselessness of diet soda, highlighting Diet Coke in particular.  I shall direct the remaining portion of my response to Mr. Jackson himself, specifically by making a point by point analysis (A) of his rant (R):

(R):  And then, suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of salvation! There! Against the wall!! Could it be??? Yes!!! A SODA MACHINE!!!!! The heat and labor of the past hour vanished as I eagerly raced to get a frosty brew. I was saved!

(A):  Clinical studies have proven the adverse effects of carbonated beverage consupmtion immediately following rigorous and/or heat intense activities, such as marching in direct sunlight while wearing wool.  However, who really needs clinical studies... anyone who's quenched their thirst by opening their throats and literally pouring carbonated ANYTHING directly into their stomaches knows very well that they regret doing so 5 minutes after the fact.  Not even.  In this particular situation, water would have proven much more effective.

(R):  Selecting my beverage, I slammed my fist into the button, nearly breaking it.
 Nothing happened...
 In frustration, I began pressing the red button labelled 'coke' in a rhythmic fashion.

(A):  Mr. Jackson, were you raised by wolves?!? Honestly....
Patience is a virtue, I suggest you give it a try.

(R):  Who in their right mind would choose diet over regular? It tastes awful! And it's not even THAT much healthier! What? 120 calories? You can burn that off walking up a flight of steps.

(A):  It is not so much the caloric consumption that is the issue here, Mr. Jackson.  What we are dealing with is choice, or in my case, the complete lack thereof.  I come from a household of Coke drinkers, all of us.  A six-pack would be an appetizer.  We rejoiced in the streets at the advent of the 20oz plastic "traveler" bottle.  Nevertheless, out constant need for caffeine forces us to purchase our Coke in large quantities -- cases, 2 liters, what have you.  Our family physician had recommended to certain member(s) of my family to reduce all unneccessary calories from his/her diet, as part of an overall weight loss program.  The decision was made... switch to Diet Coke.  Basically, I was raised on the stuff.  I never knew regular except at birthday parties and the like.  I don't want your sympathy.

However, this brings me to a second point... the constant, driving need for caffeine.  I have been quoted saying that caffeine posseses no immediate effect over me, I just get one helluva headache if I don't have it on a regular basis.  Such is my life... I'm addicted, I'm not afraid to admit it.  But I NEED it.  I've tried that cold-turkey BS before.... I only end up taking off heads.

So you have an option, Mr. Jackson -- you either keep me happilly caffeinated and watch me balloon up to Rosanne Barr proportions, or you take it away and watch me use your head as a basketball.  The choice is yours.

(R):  But what if you drink a lot you ask? Well, you shouldn't be drinking that much soda anyway. You want a healthy alternative? Try water... it's much healthier and doesn't taste much worst.

(A):  Now look what you've done.  You've gone and contradicted yourself.  Shame on you!  Who taught you rhetoric?!?
Heed thine own advice... then you never would have resorted to consuming the carbonated drink which caused that uncomfortable bloated feeling which you mistook for a hatred of Diet Coke.

 (R):  It's an aquired' taste you say? Why should you HAVE to aquire it? You don't aquire it, it aquires you! Why should you have to be brainwashed to lower your standards like that?

(A):  There's you're problem right there, you were raised on the soft stuff.  You have such a closed mind that you can't envision anything less than your syrupy, sugary world.  Open your eyes to alternate lifestyles, my friend.

(R):  It tastes the same as regualar soda you say? My only response to that is... NO

(A):  Oooh... that's well founded.  Although personally, I would have gone with NUH-UH!

(R):  If you still prefer diet over regular, note before... "Who in their RIGHT minds would...". You obviously have a screw loose.

 I think we should unite, and say NO to diet soda!!!

(A):  *Listens to the sounds of lone crickets chirping in the background*  ...Who is supporting you in this?  There are a few seedy looking characters in the background, but I think they only showed up to the rally for the promotional bottled water.

Sir, I find your rant (nay, your very existance!) to be a burden on my mind, my fingers, and my laptop.  Just look at all the trouble I've had to go through in exposing you for the fraud that you are!

TAKE FROM ME MY DIET COKE, AND I SHALL FORCIBLY MANUALLY CASTRATE YOU!

That being said, I hope I have removed all possibility of further discussion on this topic, particularly when I nonchalantly order a diet coke right in front of you at dinner before Junior Prom.

---

 

 Back