*********
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
-The Calling -"Wherever You Will Go."
*********
"It's not fair..." Rachel sat staring out the window of the hospital, the hand on her shoulder as the tears slipped down her cheeks. "I-I killed him you know... It was my fault... I put so much stress on him. It's all my fault.."
Susan sighed, the hand she had on Rachel's shoulder, squeezing it slightly before she pulled the girl into a hug. "No... It's not your fault honey. You didn't do anything wrong. He loved you very much. He knew that you loved him. That's what counts." That's all that mattered. The love of Elizabeth and Rachel... and the little baby daughter he left behind and that would never remember him. I don't matter anymore... Not anymore. Not since... Not since the train station.
Susan thought to herself as she held the young woman in the close embrace. Rach' had been such a cute kid. Then she'd matured into a young woman, Mark and Elizabeth had a lot on their plates. Ella was born and then... Susan sighed. Mark had been very happy with Elizabeth. It was her own fault that nothing had ever come of their own relationship.
They'd played around and teased each other for years. Probably he had toyed with the idea as well, but as it was, he was with Jen. Nothing could be done about that. Then Jen ran off with another man. Why hadn't she taken her chance then? Why had she kept it bottled up and waited for Mark to make the first move? It was stupid to do that. Mark had blurted it out on the steps of the fucking train station for crying out loud! It was too late by then. Too late. It would have been good.. It would have been perfect, if Mark had gotten his act together before that. If Mark had said those words sooner, they'd be a family instead of a bunch of strangers and estranged relatives.
Susan ducked her head, squeezing Rachel tighter as they stared out the window, the rain falling softly and sticking lazily against the window pane. If we hadn't been so stupid. Suzie would be here. Rachel would be here. I'd have two daughters and I'd be mourning my husband. The woman shuddered slightly, a fresh flow of tears suddenly seeping from her eyes and rushing down her cheeks like an overflow from a dam. Instead I'm alone and I'm mourning an old friend.
Susan had overheard the screaming match between Dave and Elizabeth. In fact the whole ER had overheard it. Some even had pictures. Rumours were abound. Mostly started by the nursing staff. Chuni had asked her earlier to put into the pot whether Dave and Elizabeth were sleeping together. Susan had shook her head politely and headed into the lounge. What she hadn't expected was to find Rachel asleep on the couch with her father's scarf tucked under her head like a pillow. The girl should have been in school. Not that it mattered now. It was a time for grieving.
The ER was a family. Family stuck together, Rachel had been part of that family since... Susan smiled softly. Since forever, it seemed. The little precocious three year old, the little spindly legs with Band-Aids on both knees, swinging back and forth on a gurney as her Daddy made a balloon animal out of a rubber glove. Laughing and clapping her little dimpled hands as Daddy batted it into the air over her head. Her big brown eyes widening as it fell into her arms and she smiled. "Turkey!" She squealed with a big grin.
Mark laughed, grabbing his daughter under the arms and swinging her into the air. "That's right. You're a big turkey!"
The child smiled, shaking her head adamantly and poking herself in the chest with a little finger. "Daddy's little girl!" She said with conviction, her face set with a seriousness that caused her father to chuckle.
"Yeah.. That's right kiddo. You're Daddy's little girl."
Susan stared at the young woman curled up on the couch, tears glistening in her eyes. Ella would never have that with her Daddy. She'd never be a Daddy's girl. Maybe Elizabeth would remarry someday, but... She'd never be Mark's little girl. She'd only ever know Mark from photos, videos maybe. Ella would never really know her father. Know how kind he could be. How silly he could be on a pair of skates, or where he got his ugly hats. How serious he was in a crisis. She'd never know Mark Greene - the man. She'd only know Mark Greene - The Phantom.
Susan realized that Ella would never know the Greene family. Mark was an only child. His parents were dead. Perhaps he had aunts somewhere, but... Ella would have to rely on the ER family to know the man her father was. She would have to rely on her mother, her grandmother to know the man her grandfather was. The war stories. Perhaps Elizabeth would rock her in a chair that David Greene had made and tell the little girl about her grandfather.
****
As Rachel and Susan stared out at the Chicago landscape, Carol crept up on them softly, watching the two hold onto each other for dear life. "Susan?"
It was another relationship that had gone to pot after she'd left on the train bound for Phoenix. The two had been inseparable, spending the warm days on their breaks sunning themselves on County General's heli-pad. The nights spent with Carol weeping in Susan's arms when Doug had decided to be a colossal asshole once again. Time in the lounge spent griping over dating, patients, and over life in general. It was something that Susan missed dearly and something that Carol craved after Susan had departed. A close female friend. A close friend, period. After Susan left, there wasn't anybody. Not really. There was Mark... Mark had been there when Doug had left, when the pregnancy tests came up positive, when the babies had been born. She'd tried having a friendship with Luka... But that... That had ended... Carol winced. Terribly.
Susan gave Rachel a little squeeze and looked up. Her eyes red and swollen, she wiped away the stickiness with a shaky hand. "Hey, Carol." She murmured with a weak smile. "Long time no see."
Carol chuckled. "Yeah. You could say that I guess... It's been awhile. How have you been?" The woman in front of her definitely looked older. Tired, worn out. Carol smiled faintly, what had Susan done to her hair?! It looked awful. Forget about shooting the messenger, shoot the hairdresser.
Carol had seen her at the funeral, stuffed in a middle pew, against the windows. Sitting alone. Her head bowed, the silly wisps of hair falling into eyes that had clouded with tears.
She'd wondered who'd contacted her, wondering if it had been Elizabeth. Elizabeth had phoned Doug. But... That was different. Carol and Doug... We were his close friends... We were his friends. Carol had reminded herself. Susan...
What WAS Susan? It had been clear to both of them that Susan and Mark had enough sexual tension to make their own 'forbidden love' porn on the Playboy channel, with interesting uses for tongue depressors and stethoscopes. The giggling and constant staring between them was enough to make the rest of the ER nuts. It was Randi that had finally gotten sick of it.
"That's it.. I'm dragging BOTH of them into an empty exam room with a box of condoms." She'd announced as the two had loped off miserably from the admit desk after both of them had unsuccessful attempts at asking each other out. "What is WITH those two?"
"Randi.. You are doing no such thing." Kerry growled, get back to work. She too even had to admit. This was quite pathetic... If they'd just get it over with and have sex, then she could run a decent ER. But no. Instead she had to watch them bounce around like nervous tenth graders. But the rules were simple. If Kerry Weaver wasn't gettin' any. Neither was anybody else!
****
"What have I been up to?" Susan said, repeating the question. "Oh... I don't know. Things... Chloe has custody of Suzie. They moved to Portland." She sighed, letting go of Rachel who slumped to the chair and stared fixedly at her feet.
"You're still in Phoenix though... Right? I sent you pictures of the girls a few months back." Carol said with a sad smile. "You're doing okay, right?"
Susan shrugged, wrapping her arms around herself like a self-made hug. "I guess so. As good as I can be. I have my own little practice in Phoenix. With a Doctor Heather Fielding. She sort of reminds me of you actually..." She replied with a chuckle. "Yeah.. If you ever got into med school. It would have been cool. You and me.. Our own little practice."
Carol nodded. "Yeah... That would have been neat. Weren't you at one of the ERs in Phoenix though?" It was scary. Knowing they'd lost touch this much. Of course, when Susan had first left, the letters and e-mails had been plenty, but then real life got in the way, and the only thing she mailed off every once in awhile was pictures of the girls.
Susan winced. "Was... It didn't work out. I like where I am now. It's nice. It's a good place Carol."
Carol stared at her, "Better than here?"
"There wasn't anything here for me. You tell me Carol. Is Seattle better than here?" Susan snapped back.
"I.. I mean." She sighed. "I don't know what I mean. Yes.. I like Seattle. I missed here though. I missed what it used to be. I missed us all together. All being a family. The CG Fab Four. That doesn't exist anymore." Carol shrugged. "It's not the same. Peter left too.. He had a custody battle with his son. He told Romano to stuff it and he left. He's been around though. Cleo and him are getting married. Times are a'changing."
Susan nodded, wrapping a comforting arm around Rachel who had stopped crying and was now flipping through a ten-year old copy of PEOPLE. "Who's Cleo?"
Carol snorted. "Long story. She was a pedes doctor in the ER... He started banging her silly a few weeks after she showed up. Romance bloomed."
Susan bit her lip thoughtfully. "They go to the Jazz club?"
Rachel's eyes widened as Carol stifled a giggle. "SUSAN! Not in front of the kid."
Rachel rolled her eyes, sitting back in the chair with her arms crossed and a determined pout. "Come on guys.. What happens after the Jazz club!?"
Susan and Carol exchanged knowing looks and rolled their eyes. "We all know what happens after the Jazz club." They said in unison, breaking off into laughter.
***
Carter had been signing off another chart when he heard the laughter down the hall. It was odd. It had been a long time since he'd heard something like that. Even Malik's boom-box had disappeared. Since Mark had died it was like a perpetual day of mourning. No laughter, no music.. No sound of any kind, except for the constant barrage of traumas that seemed to tackle them lately.
Sticking the chart in the rack, he put his pen in his lab coat pocket and went to investigate.
***
"I heard about Carter.." Susan said carefully, sitting herself down beside Rachel as Carol pulled up a chair. "That must have been awful. How's he doing? He was such a cute kid."
Carol smiled uneasily. "It was hard. Losing somebody like that. We'd lost patients before, but Lucy.. As annoying as she could be at times, she was still one of us. She was part of County. I wasn't working when it happened, when they were brought into trauma, but..." She sighed. "Carter took it pretty hard. Blamed himself." Her eyes dropped to her lap and she looked at Rachel who had sighed noisily.
"You know you don't have to censor yourself around me. I'm not three anymore!" Rachel snorted. "I DO know about Carter. When you hang around the nurse's station enough, you pick up a lot. I mean Carter's an addict... It's not like he's some serial rapist or murderer or something. Give me a little credit."
Susan looked at Rachel with a tinge of surprise and disbelief. "What's she talking about? Carter?"
Carol winced, meeting Susan's gaze.
"I.. Carter-He.. After the attack, he started shooting up and taking meds." Carol admitted softly as the man in question walked up the hall behind her, a nervous half-smile on his perfect lips.
"Hey guys.. Hey Rach'... What's up?" He chewed his bottom lip and pulled out his pen again, clicking the top rapidly as he watched them stare at him open mouthed. "What?"
Susan sighed. "Carter.. I'm so sorry.. I didn't know." His eyes narrowed and the pen he'd been clenching in his fist dropped to the floor.
"Oh.. Here I was thinking you were catching up on old times. You were just talking about me behind my back. Thanks a lot." Carter said angrily, stomping off and banging through the double doors and down another corridor.
"CARTER!!" Susan yelled after him, with little success. "Shit.." She swore softly under her breath and clenched her hands together. "Shit... Fucking hell... First Mark... Now this!" Standing suddenly, she brushed herself off and straightened her blouse. "I'm sorry.. I'm going to go. It was great seeing you again, Carol." She smiled at Rachel and pulled the girl into a brief hug. "Good to see you again, kiddo. Take care."
Carol smiled sadly and nodded. "You too Susan..." This was harder than she'd thought. For a second there. For a brief second, it had been like old times. Now reality came rushing back and they were smack dab in the middle of real life again.
Susan Lewis nodded, staring at her hands. "Can I ask you something though, Carol? I mean... Is he better now? He got help? I-I mean he wouldn't be allowed to work here if he wasn't getting help. If he wasn't better. So he's okay now?" She said worriedly, the image of the young med-student Carter still firmly implanted in her head. Not the angry man that had stormed down the hallway. The kid with the nervous grin and the mop of hair. The young kid with the crush on the old doctor.
"He's getting better. He's going to meetings... He was seeing Abby for awhile." Carol mused with a sad smile. Apparently Luka was dating Abby now.. They were happy. Or that's what Chuni's opinion had been on the matter. That they seemed happy together.
"Abby? Who's Abby?!" Susan cocked a brow, her hands on her hips now and her interest piqued.
"Well. She was an OB nurse upstairs.. She..." Carol trailed off. Knowing it was in the gossip mill, but that Carter and Abby's reasons for spending so much time together was technically confidential. "She helped deliver my babies. Luka and her have been dating on and off for a while now. She was the one that found shooting up in one of the trauma rooms. Then they dated and well.. That's pretty much what I know."
Susan nodded. "I've seen that Luka around... He's not bad looking." Carol threw her a dirty look and helped Rachel to her feet. "Rach', you need a lift home at all?" She murmured, brushing her blonde locks out of her face and looking at Carol. She sure had a sore spot as far as Luka was concerned.
"That'd be nice.." Rachel replied softly, bending down to pick up her school bag. "I know Elizabeth went home earlier.. To lay down or something. Ella.. I think she's upstairs." The girl said absently.
"I can pick her up and drop her off later. It's no problem." Carol said helpfully. "Doug was going to hang around for a bit, but I'm sure I can convince him to come with me to drop by and see your Mom."
Rachel's face clouded. "She's not my mother." She grunted angrily, stepping up beside Susan and keeping in stride with her, her head turned and she looked at Carol. "She's not."
"Honey.. I didn't mean.." Carol started, but Susan was already ushering the teen out the door.
"I'll get Ella.." She called after them, but the ambulance bay doors had already slid shut and swallowed them whole.
Mark and Elizabeth... Married. Carol had thought the relationship was cute at first. A lot better than his past conquests. Amanda Lee.. She shuddered. Yeah Mark had a real way with women. But it seemed he'd picked a real winner with Elizabeth Corday. The woman was abrasive as hell when she wanted to be. But she was a good mother, and a good woman, and she could see that Mark's death was killing her. If Doug died... Carol shook her head, letting the thought float out of her mind. It wasn't good to be thinking thoughts like that.
***
Dave stood on the bridge, the cold rainy air whipping at him like a cruel slap. So life sucked. Life really sucked. He had his health. But what else did he have? Friendship? Love? Anybody to give a flying fuck? He snorted angrily. Fuck that. It was stupid, coming to Chicago. The Windy City. It sucked here.
Dave sucked in an icy breath and looked at the lights dancing on the water. New York was nicer. Good pizza. New York was home. It'd be nice to go back. But there was nothing to go back to. No family. None that would talk to him anyway. He'd made himself a mockery at County General. He'd basically screwed himself out of two states.. There was 48 left to go..
He could go someplace else. Start over. Start fresh. No. NO. It'd happen again. Like it happened in New York. Like it happened here. Dave looked out at the ink black night, his hands gripping the frozen metal railing, tightly till his knuckles whitened and his fingers throbbed. His legs shaking like mad, his eyes narrowed as the fiery pain in his gut intensified and he let out a squall of pain, emotion and tears. The yell echoed over the waters, the cry of a wounded animal with no more hope, as his hand slipped into his pocket and closed in around the gun in his coat. ****