Any normal 18-year-old would have scoffed at this proposed punishment, but I, being the whipped daughter I am, struggled to please my mother so she would finally begin to trust me again. That meant following every order I was given. Order, not request.
I finished my half-hearted prayer with an "Amen" and cautiously glanced upwards to see my mother smiling in grim satisfaction. Great, now I had to pretend to be religious for the rest of my life. I'll be in church every other day due to my mother's insistence that I had to beg forgiveness for my 'sins'.
'Hail Mary full of grace...' my mind began to rattle off automatically. 'Oh shut up!' I thought, irritated.
I forced myself to follow the conversation that my mother was attempting to make.
"So where were you all afternoon?" she asked as we began to eat our macaroni and cheese.
"Just out driving," I mumbled through a mouthful of macaroni.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," she reminded me automatically. "You know I don't approve of you speeding about maniacally on those dangerous backroads," she proceeded to scold me. "But at least you weren't with Ashley. Were you?" She suddenly looked up at me, her cold brown eyes on fire with suspicion.
'Oh great,' I thought glumly. 'Here we go again.'
Like I said before, my Mom criticizes me about anything that I do. Ashley is her favorite thing though. That takes some explaining, which I'd rather not do right now.
Not taking the bait, I merely assured her that I had not spent any time at all with Ashley, then went back to eating.
For a moment it appeared that my mother had let the subject drop for now too.
The rest of our makeshift dinner passed in silence.
* * * * * L A T E R * * * * *
My 16-year-old brother came home around 9:00, half an hour later than he said he'd be, but my mother didn't care. He's the 'normal' child that she's always wanted. Popular, trendy athletic, overall he was the ideal 16-year-old guy. He had the ideal girlfriend too, which was worth major brownie points in my mom's point of view.
Dad decided to grace us with his presence shortly before 10:00. I think the only words I spoke to him that day were "Good morning," "Yes I took the trash out," and "Good night". He'd brought his entire office home with him as usual and I'm sure he couldn't be bothered with such trivialities as being social to his family.
Fine with me. I haven't been on the best terms with him since about the end of 10th grade.
I find it hard to believe that I've been cool towards him for almost 2 years now. I suppose it's his own fault. He didn't need to invade my privacy and expose my secrets to my mother, who already disapproved of my tomboy ways and appearance. Honestly Dad. Did you really think that she'd sit there and smile pleasantly and sip her tea while you told her that I was gay?
Ah, nevermind. It's late and, seeing as I have nothing important planned for tomorrow, I should get some sleep.
Before I turned in for the night I uncovered my journal from underneath my mattress and began recording the day's events. That's my nightly ritual. It helps to relieve the stress that has always built up at the end of my day.
Carefully, I wrote my thoughts of the day down in semi-legible writing:
Date: 6/23/00 Time: 10:37pm Weather: Slightly humid, mild
Journal - It was another one of those days today. I spent my awake hours thinking about my life again after Mom and I got in another fight. I think it was because I slept in past noon today. She blamed it on my being out with Ashley last night. Come on. We were both home well before 11pm. I am 18 after all. An adult. I have my own life. She can't really get mad at me for sleeping in either. Aren't I always waking her up at 1pm, 2pm, 3pm? Geez...
Speaking of Ashley, she's leaving for university towards the end of August. 2 months... it seems like such a long time now, but it really isn't. At least she's going to the U of D - somewhere close. It just won't be the same though. I won't see her every day like I used to. And I'll be a senior... I don't even want to go into that.
Suppose Mom will be happy that I won't see Ashley as much. But I doubt she'll ever be truly happy - unless I suddenly meet Prince Charming, fall in love with fashion and make up and lose all interest in sports.
She's the only one that doesn't accept me. Well, I dunno about Dad - he's not home enough to know what I'm really like.
Anyway, I wish she could accept me. Or forgive me. Or whatever. I've been over this before. I didn't tell her because I love her. But she just can't accept that - or me for that matter.
Anyway, I better go.
-Dana
I replaced the worn notebook back under the mattress, switched my bedside lamp off, pulled the covers over me and stretched out in my bed as I rested my head on the fluffy pillows. 'I hate coming back here,' I thought just before I drifted off.
chapter 2