"In the United States of America a growing number of young scholars are tackling the cultural, political, social, and ecnomic giant that is China. Yes, the great dragon has been ignored for far too long, but at last the West is studying her diligently, mining great philosophical insights and artistic wonders from the most ancient of cultures. And once we understand it, well, we'll probably just steal the good stuff. And I hope to be there for it. . ." A Quote from Sinologist Eric D. Smith's Speech to the Dirty Commies, April 17th, 1999

Damn Smooth China Page

The China ThesisA Brief Treatise by Mr. Hank McCarthy and Mr. Eric D. Smith

On one fine day here in Charlottesville, Virginia my associate Mr. Hank McCarthy and I were strolling down the sidewalk, reviewing the wealth of knowledge we had absorbed in our last class, when suddenly, in a burst of creative angst, Mr. McCarthy grabbed his head and began rolling in the mud and dirt, tears of pained joy rolling down his cheeks and whimpers of sadiomasicistic pleasure emanating from his brusque lips. "I have it!" he cried, his voice breaking like a little girl's "China. . .I finally understand China!" Needless to say, I was overjoyed at this revelation and hoped to partake of the incredible wisdom which Hank was about to impart. "Yes," I said, "ante up! Tell me that I too might understand!" Slowy, Mr. McCarthy began to regain his senses, though he remained overcome with emotion. Truly, I thought, here is another Galileo, another Darwin or Newton, a single man about to change the way humanity percieves both itself and the world around it. . .forever! Wiping the dust from his green and orange golf pants, Hank began to speak. I, as well as several passerbyers who had now joined us (how rare it is to hear a veritable prophet in the throes of his art) craned closer, the better to hear Hank's quivering voice. "China," said Hank, "is big. Very big." I cried.

Evidence for The China Thesis

Now, being the astute and admittedly brillant social scientists we are (Mr. McCarthy is an anthropologist by trade, whereas I am a political scientist), we immediately set to finding inscrutiable proof to back up out phenomenal discovery. Due to our desire to maintain clarity, we have created this, shall we say, abbreviated version of the 328 page original document.

Proof I. China has many, many people.

Proof II. China has alot of land.

Proof III. There is alot of stuff in China.

Proof IV. There aren't any fat people in China because natural selection has caused them all to move to Greenland and change their name to Sven or Bjorn. (um, okay, we still need to do some research on this one.)

Proof V. It must be a pretty big damn place to make all of that Chinese food.

Proof VI. Two words: Jackie Chan.

Proof VII. We believe China to be derived from the same root word as "chunky," and as all of us who've seen Goonies know, Chunks was a pretty big guy.

Proof VIII. My butt is pretty huge, yet it is dwarfed in comparasion to China.

Proof IX. If you were to dig China out of the Earth, there would be an enormous hole. Therefore we may speculate that such an enormous hole would require and enormous amount of dirt and rock (what we social scientists refer to as a "country") to fill in this enormous hole. Thus if we note that China fills this enormous hole, we may speculate that China is itself enormous.

The University of Virginia East Asia Center: Working For You

In an effort to increase the University of Virginia's familiarity with the staff of the UVA East Asia Center, well, I have made this handy-dandy little chart, illustrating both the nature of the student staff of the centers' responsibilities and their photograph, in order to facilitate an increased community between those of us who get paid to study China and everybody else.

Eric Drummond Smith's Patented Damn Smooth China Links

So, you want to be a Sinologist, eh? Well shoot fire and save the matches, now its easy as sin with my Patented Damn Smooth China Links! Yeah kids, no more tormenting over where to go for the best in China links. . . not with this Damn Smooth set of China links. . . So enjoy, bookmark them, tell your friends about them. But remember, never, never tell the Chinese that you have this website. They might try to sell it to Iraq, and God knows, we can't have that kind of nonsense going on, can we?

Okay. You wanted to meet the worlds greatest experts in the field of Sinology. You wanted to meet men whose understanding of Asia dwarfs that of your mere mortal man. Now is you chance. Check out my boys in the Bamboo House Krew home page. You will love it, or you will die. . . er, I mean to say, you will have severe indigestion. Yeah.

So, you've never been to Beijing but can't get enough wacky North China triva? Well heck, fret no more! Just check out the Beijing Review and read to your odd little heart's content!

Okay kids, lets review our history. Who are the most important people in the entirety of Chinese history? Okay, Confucius (Kongfuzi), I can dig. Lao Tzu (Laozi)? Sure. Qinchu Huangdi? No doubt in my mind. Mao Zedong? Threw the best parties I ever been to. And old Deng Xiaoping? Well, lets just say THAT fellow knew how to pull off the 'squat' look with style. But none, and I mean none of them can possibly hope to equal the majesty and grace that are embodied in the greatest scientist, philosopher, and all-around-pimp Alex Chiu. This man does it all, combining the finest of the East and the West, the Ancient and the Modern, the Common and the Rare. What? You haven't heard of Alex Chiu? Well friend, you will. You will.

Now, if you are any good with logic at all, you'll quickly realize that damn, I don't have very much money. I mean, none. Not a popcorn fart's worth. I am po'. Otherwise, why the hell would I have so much time to waste on crap like this website. I would be out on the Italian Riviera, livin' the good life, puttin' back 20 year old champange and listening to Van Halen, live, right there on my really, really big boat. It would be awesome. But there is always tomorrow, and when the time comes, I will be standing by, ready to invest in the best the Pacific Rim has to offer, thanks to my copy of the Far Eastern Economic Review.

So you want to know what's happening China right now?!?!?!? Can't wait for those TV losers to get their lazy hindquarters in gear?!?!?!?! Then head straight to Inside China Today, RIGHT NOW! Or, if you're not in so much of a hurry for your China news, hell, there's always < size="3">China Quarterly.

Okay. Now, the net has a plethora of websites about China, and somebody has been needin' to organize 'em for a hell of a long time. Of course, I am doing my part, but you know, I have to admit, a couple of folks have had a bit of an edge on me. For instance, the kids over at the University of Heidelberg, Germany. Now you want to talk about some folks who have been busy as a beaver. . . damn. So give 'em a shout out, and help yourself to their China WWW Virtual Library. Trust me. The little Sinologist on your shoulder who keeps whispering things in your ear. . . well, this is the place he's been trying to get you to go for years. Well, there and the dentist.

The South China Morning Post is a pretty nifty paper, but heck, it talks so darn much about China. . .I mean who cares about that place anyway (note for the dense: this is blatent sarcasm)?

So, I have no clue who the hell Stefan Landsberger is, or what the hell he thinks he's doing with my girlfriend, my car, and $24, 306 of my money, but I have to admit, that guy, well, he can make one mean damn website. Check out Stefan Landsberger's Chinese Propaganda Poster Pages and you'll know what I mean. . . I just want my dog back. . . and my camcorder. . .

So, you like the Wall Street Journal, but you don't want to have to deal with all that bullcrap they write about all those crummy countries that really contribute nothing of meaning or worth to your (or anyone elses', for that matter) existance. Then by gum, you need to just cut straight to the chase with the Wall Street Journal Asia Edition.

So, you study China, you love the culture and the people, but you just aren't sure if you really are 'gettin' it'? Well, if you don't have a Wu-Name, you can be pretty certain that yeah, you aren't gettin' it. Mine is 10-Watt Warlock. Stick that in your pipe and puff it. Okay, its not even remotely Chinese. But its cool. Dammit, it is!

Yup. I take Chinese. Hell, had the equivalent of three whole years of the stuff, did a year's worth this summer at Beloit College, up there round Wisconsin parts. And you know what the key to becoming a master of the Chinese language is? Do ya'? No, of course you don't. That is because you spent your whole weenified life studying wussie languages like "French" or "Esperanto." Blither-blather and horse droppings! Well, the key is dictionaries. Yup. Dictionaries. I keep three with me, each oriented towards entirely different strengths. And hell. . . the Net, provider of so much, has also seen fit to provide me with other deliciously good dictionaries. One of the finest is at Zhongwen.Com. Trust me. . . its worth checking out. What? You want another one too? Okay, well then check out the equally distinguished On-line Chinese Tools. You'll find the latter to be useful for all sorts of tasks. . . worth browsin' over just to get an idea.

If you have comments or questions about this page, please direct them to  [email protected]. And if you are too much of a bum to let me know you like it, well, the heck with you. . . jerky.

One Last Thing. . . For the love of all that's Holy, click this here banner . . .if forty people do, hell, I get a free set of Alex Chiu's Immortality Rings. . . and hey, who don't wanna' live forever? Am I right or am I right?