The Deer Hunt
1:00 a.m. Alarm clock rings
2:00 a.m. Hunting partners arrive
2:15 a.m. Throw everything except kitchen sink in the pickup
3:00 a.m. Drive back home and pick up gun
3:30 a.m. Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:00 a.m. Set up camp - forgot the damn tent
4:30 a.m. Head into the woods
6:05 a.m. See 3 deer
6:07 a.m. "Click"
6:08 a.m. Load gun while watching deer go over hill
8:00 a.m. Head back to camp
10:00 a.m. Realize you don't know where camp is
Noon Fire gun for help - eat wild berries
12:15 p.m. Run out of berries,3 deer come back
12:30 p.m. Realize you ate poison berries
12.45 p.m. Rescued
12:55 p.m. Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 p.m. Arrive back in camp
3:30 p.m. Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 p.m. Return to camp for bullets
4:01 p.m. Load gun - leave camp again
5:00 p.m. Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 p.m. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp
6:01 p.m. Load gun
6:02 p.m. Fire gun
6:03 p.m. One dead truck
6:05 p.m. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer
6:06 p.m. Repress strong urge to shoot partner
6:07 p.m. Fall into fire
6:10 p.m. Change clothes, throw burned ones in fire
6:15 p.m. Take pickup and leave partner and deer in the woods
6:25 p.m. Pickup boils over - hole shot in block
6:26 p.m. Start walking
6:30 p.m. Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 p.m. Meet bear
6:36 p.m. Take aim
6:37 p.m. Fire gun, blows up, barrel plugged with mud
6:38 p.m. Shit in pants
6:39 p.m. Climb the tree
9:00 p.m. Bear departs, wrap gun around tree
Midnight: HOME AT LAST
Sunday: Watch football game on TV slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place in envelope, and mail to game warden with very clear instructions on where to place it