| Home Thomas Gordon For a relationship to change in any significant way, he who holds the power must change. - T. Gordon "Punitive
discipline is by definition need-depriving as opposed to
need-satisfying." - T. Gordon Notes From Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) Articles by Thomas Gordon |
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| Introduction I like the ideas of Thomas Gordon. Although he died in 2002, his ideas about parenting still are some of the best. S. Hein |
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www.naturalchild.org... - Article by Gordon "Children don't really misbehave" /www.naturalchild.org... - Brief biography |
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| Notes from Parent
Effectiveness Training (PET) 1975 In the introduction Gordon says he was pleased when he was asked by schools for his help in training teachers. He writes:
He then designed a course for teachers and called it the TET. He writes:
Later he writes that he believes "for a relationship to change in any significant way, he who holds the power must change." (p xv) Below are direct quotes from the book: Chapter 1 - Parents are Blamed But Not Trained Everybody blames parents for the troubles of youth and for the troubles that young people appear to be causing society. It's all the fault of parents, mental health experts lament, after examining the frightening statistics on the rapidly increasing number of children and youth who develop serious or crippling emotional problems, who become victims of drug addiction, or commit suicide. Political leaders and law-enforcement officials blame parents for raising a generation of ingrates, rebels, protesters, hippies, peace demonstrators, and draft-card burners. And when kids fail in school or become hopeless drop-outs, teachers and school administrators claim that the parents are at fault. Yet who is helping parents? How much effort is being made to assist parents to become more effective in raising children? Where can parents learn what they are doing wrong and what they might do differently? Parents are blamed, but not trained. Millions of new mothers and fathers take on a job each year that ranks among the most difficult anyone can have, taking an infant, a little person who is almost totally helpless, assuming full responsibility for his physical and psychological health and raising him so he will become a productive, cooperative, and contributing citizen. What more difficult and demanding job is there? (p 1&2) As a practicing clinical psychologist, I used to be as convinced as most parents that the period called "the terrible teens" was both normal and inevitable-the result of youngsters' universal desire to establish their independence and rebel against their parents I was sure that adolescence, as most studies have shown, was invariably a time of storm and stress in families. Our experience with P.E.T. has proven me wrong. Time and time again, parents trained in P.E.T. have reported the surprising absence of rebellion and turmoil in their families. (p 2) I am now convinced that adolescents do not rebel against parents. They only rebel against certain destructive methods of discipline almost universally employed by parents. Turmoil and dissension in families can be the exception, not the rule, when parents learn to substitute a new method of resolving conflicts. (p3) Parents today rely almost universally on the same methods of raising children and dealing with problems in their families that were used by their own parents, by their parents' parents, by their grand parents' parents. Unlike almost all other institutions of society, the parent-child relationship seems to have remained unchanged. Parents depend on methods used two thousand years ago! (p4) A few professionals certainly have tried to pass on new ideas and methods to parents, particularly Haim Ginott, who pointed out in his book, Between Parent and Child, how parents can talk more therapeutically to a child and avoid damage to his self-esteem. However, even those relatively few parents who have read this and other books show little evidence in our classes of having modified their behavior very significantly, particularly their approach to discipline and handling parent-child conflicts. Here are some quotes from the book p14 It is essential that
you learn what you are feeling. |
Criticism
On pages 10, 11 talks about parents who are winners, losers and oscillators. He implies that all conflicts are battles. He does not speak in terms of whose needs come first.
Judging by his website seems the company based on his ideas seems to be more interested in making money than in helping children and parents these days. There is some information on it, but mostly it seems like a big advertisement for his products and consulting services. (these were my original comments the first time I reviewed the site)
By the way if you are interested in parenting please be sure to read chapter 10 (eqe96_10.htm) from my book. While I was feeling very critical of parents when I wrote, I now actually feel amazed to see how accurate I was in my analysis of the cause effect relationships between parents and children. I don't feel boastful when I say this, but I do want people to appreciate that I was able to see things very clearly even though I was not a formally trained psychologist or child development expert.
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Aprl 2006 update - After working with suicidal teens for the past few years, I feel even more sure that my ideas were right on target in my 1996 chapter on parenting. None of the teens I talk to would be suicidal or self-harming if the parents followed the suggestions in my book.
Here is a copy of something from www.nobleednews.com (with some minor edits)
The specific link is http://www.nobleednews.com/the_gordon_model.htm#Initiating%20the%20Gordon%20Model
Gordon's basic approach is that discipline can not be achieved through either reward or punishment but rather must be developed within the character of the child and teenager. Gordon believes that overt authoritarian discipline was harmful to the children and teens, leading to anti-social and self-destructive behavior. He also doesn't believe in permissiveness and finds this approach to be just as damaging. Rather he goes for a middle of the road strategy with the goal of helping people make decisions that help them control their own behavior. Gordon's basic tenant is that
Gordon's Principal Concepts and Teachings
So you've decided you like this model of behavior management but just how do you get started? Here's what you might want to do.
-- The difference between rules and agreements. When someone isn't following the agreement, a new agreement is needed, not punishment. Agreements are made between equals, with neither party having the power to force or punish the other. -- More about TG Thomas Gordon is a clinical psychologist who is the founder and director of Effectiveness Training International, a group whose instructors offer teachers, parents, physicians, managers, young people and others training in discipline and group management. He has also written several parenting books that offer teachers and parents help in teaching children to be more self-reliant, self-controlled, responsible and cooperative. |
| Case
against discipline - This is a reprint from www.nospank.net THE CASE AGAINST
DISCIPLINING CHILDREN The article examines and evaluates the commonly held belief that children must be disciplined (controlled) by parents and teachers. Semantic imprecisions in books authored by discipline advocates are illustrated, and more precise definitions are provided for such terms as discipline, authority, power, control and influence. Why both rewards and punishments are ineffective and hazardous to the mental and physical health of children is extensively documented. Finally, alternatives to disciplining children are proposed, illustrated, and supported by research findings. These include methods that encourage the involvement of children in family and classroom rule-setting, methods that foster participation in all phases of the learning process, skills that influence children to solve their problems themselves and control their behavior out of consideration for the needs of others, and a non-power method of resolving adult-child conflicts so that neither loses (or both win). Thomas Gordon (B.A., DePauw University; M.A., Ohio State University; Ph.D. Human Development, University of Chicago) has been a faculty member in the Psychology Department and at the Counseling Center of the University of Chicago; Director of Aviation Research, American Institute of Research; an organizational consultant; and a private practitioner as a client-centered therapist. He is the founder of Gordon Training International, an international human relations training organization that distributes his programs for parents, teachers, managers, youth, salespersons, and |