Dear Holden,
We have been very concerned of your well being. We know life has been tough with the death of your brother and growing into a mature adult at the same time. We want you to know that you are not alone. You don’t need to hide your feelings or isolate yourself because we all understand what you are going through or may have felt, or continue to feel the same emotions that you currently feel. The most important step into becoming an adult though is learning and allowing yourself to recover from the loss of your brother. You have incredible intelligence yet somehow you fail to apply it to school. You also have a great ability to love which will have a phenomenal power in your life. Your father and I decided to present this journal to you in the hope that you will use it to express your ideas with your incredible writing talent. Dad, J.B., Phoebe, and I all want the best for you and we will do whatever we can to help you in your journey into adulthood.
Love,
Mom and Dad
Allie’s baseball Mitt
Allie’s baseball mitt has always held a special place in my heart. Allie wrote poems on the mitt when he played baseball because he was an out-fielder and the ball didn’t come his way too often. The mitt served as a good memory of him and his innocence as a young kid. He’s one of my favorite people though and it’s funny because he’s dead. He died as a child and my only memories of him consist of him as an innocent child. "God he was a nice kid though. He used to laugh so hard about something he thought of at the dinner table that he just about fell off his chair. I was only thirteen and all, and they were going to have me psychoanalyzed and all, because I broke all the windows in the garage." (38-39) I’ve learned now that life is short and just as he made the best of his life, I have to enjoy life as much as I can and not dwell on the things that I don’t like.
Carl Luce’s Tip
I had also tried to reach out to Carl Luce, a guy I used to go to school with, but I guess he didn’t really want to hang around with me and all. I called him and we met at the Wicker Bar. We talked about his sex life and stuff but he wasn’t much into talking to me.
He said to me, "Well take it easy,"
I said, "Have just one more drink…I’m lonesome as hell." (149)
But he left a tip and took off even though I asked him to stay. It made me feel so depressed afterwards. Through my journey into adulthood, I struggled to make a connection with another adult, Carl Luce.
Check from the Lavender Room
I was feeling really lonely during that week and wanted a companion. One night I decided to go out to the Lavender Room, this nightclub in the hotel I was staying at. I was desperate and started talking to these older women at the club and eventually ended up dancing with all three of them. I didn’t really enjoy their company though; they did not have great conversational skills and didn’t treat me nicely because they knew I was younger than them. In my attempt to reach out to someone, I had failed. I remember how I felt when they left the check for me and I thought to myself, "I think they should have at least offered to pay for the drinks they had before I joined them… They were so ignorant… And that business about getting up early to see the first show at Radio City Music Hall depressed me." (75) They left early and I was left alone in the club. The check represented my attempt to build a friendship and they turned it down.
Checkerboard
I always remember my summer with Jane Gallagher. I can recall the special connection I felt with her and I never expected anything sexual from her, we just had a bond that’s hard to describe. We would play chess a lot and I always remember how she would keep her kings in the last row. It’s funny that I remember that out of all things but, we had a truly emotional connection. I’m also beginning to realize more and more that I often found connections with those who I thought were innocent and vulnerable, and Jane was definitely vulnerable. One day in particular I realized just how helpless Jane felt when "… All of the sudden this booze hound her mother was married to came out on the porch and asked Jane if there were any cigarettes in the house… Then all of the sudden, this tear plopped down on the checkerboard. On one of the red squares –boy, I can still see it. She just rubbed it into the board with her finger." (78-79)I comforted her afterwards by kissing her on the head. She was one of those rare girls, or friends for that matter, who you just can relate to. The tear on the checkerboard displayed Jane’s need for protection, which I responded to.
Duck Feather
When I was really depressed, over the weekend before Christmas vacation, I thought a lot about the ducks from Central Park and where they go in the winter. I asked so many people where they went, and while most people thought I was silly for asking the question, I wasn’t truly wondering where they went. In a weird way I think I almost considered myself a duck and wanted help, and like the ducks in the winter and I needed someone who would help and protect me. It was my cry for help by asking others where to go. I even asked complete strangers, taxi drivers, and I said,
"Hey Horowitz… Do you happen to know where they (the ducks) go in the winter by any chance?"
His response was quite
Uncomforting when he said,
"How the hell should I know a stupid thing like that?"
I continued further with my questions and asked,
"What do they eat, then? I mean if they’re frozen solid, they can’t swim around looking for food and all." (81-83)
I wanted someone to guide me into adulthood because I felt that I had lost my innocence as a child but yet at the same time, I was scared about becoming an adult. The duck feather brings back my feelings about the ducks and their representation of me.
Mr. Antolini’s Coat
Mr. Antolini has been one of the few adults that I really like. I always felt that he wasn’t phony and truly cared about my well-being. I recognized his genuine personality when he took care of this boy named James Castle, who had jumped out of a window in an attempt to prove his undeserving cause (standing up to the bullies in school). Mr. Antolini did his best to rescue a dying boy.
"He was about the best teacher I ever had, Mr. Antolini. He was a pretty young guy… and you could kid around with him without losing respect for him. He was the one who finally picked up that boy who jumped out the window I told you about, James Castle. .. He (Mr. Antolini) took off his coat and put it over James Castle and carried him all the way to the infirmary. He didn’t even give a damn if his coat got all bloody." (174)
The fact that Mr. Antolini put his jacket on James Castle, the dying boy, and didn’t care if his jacket got dirty and, just wanted to get help for James, displayed Mr. Antolini’s devotedness to helping others. His jacket represented guidance in trying to help those who need it, like James Castle. Mr. Antolini also helped me grow into adulthood and out of depression. Lucky for me, Mr. Antolini helped me in time, before I actually permanently hurt myself.
Museum of Natural History Ticket
Looking at this ticket reminds me of how much I loved the Museum of Natural History. I can recall the comfort I felt, "I knew the whole museum routine like a book… I get very happy when I think about it… The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was… The only thing that would be different would be you." (119-121) Al though I liked the museum so much, I couldn’t go back in during the weekend of the madman stuff. I guess it was because at the time, I was afraid to see the change that took place inside me.
Paper from Mr. Antolini
The one piece of advice that I always will remember is the quote that Mr. Antolini wrote down for me on paper. He explained to me how I have to allow myself to learn and then work to strive whatever I fall in love with and not kill myself over something silly (my hate for phoniness). I can so clearly recall what he said to me before he gave me the paper,
"I don’t want to scare you but I can very clearly see you dying nobly, one way or another, for a highly unworthy cause." (188)
Boy, was he on the money. He taught what living
was and allowed me to see, although it took a while, that I was not living, I was dying. Who guided me through maturity.
Phoebe’s Dough
Over the madman weekend, I spent so much money and became so broke that I needed to borrow money from Phoebe, my younger sister. I should have been lending her the money because I’m older and I can work and she can’t. It’s funny because Phoebe didn’t even want the money back.
I said, "Wait a second- take the rest of your dough, too."
She said, "You keep it. Keep it for me. Please." (211)
I think the reason she wanted me to have the money was because she must have known I needed help. I think that was her way of trying to help me. At the time, I was depressed. Now, I can see how desperate I was that I needed a little girl who I was so supposed to be taking care of, to take care of me.
Poem: "Coming Through the Rye"
I first heard this boy in the street singing "Coming Through the Rye" by, Robert Burns over the week the madman stuff happened. I suddenly felt l good after the boy started singing and speculated it in my head, " …he (the boy) kept on walking next to the curb and singing, ‘If a body catch a body coming through the rye.’ It made me feel better. It made me feel not so depressed anymore." (115) I couldn’t figure out why I felt good but later when I was talking to Phoebe I realized why. Phoebe said, "Name something you’d like to be."
I responded and said, "I thought it was ‘if a body catch a body,’ …Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around –nobody big, I mean except me… What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff- I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going." (172-173)
Reflecting on myself now, I understand that I was stuck between childhood and adulthood and I felt the only thing I could do was stop kids from turning into phony adults, which was going over the cliff, just like the rest of the world had done. I was struggling to become an adult so I didn’t want anyone else too grow into an adult either. I had also seen how ugly the adult world was and I wanted to protect kids from the ugliness.
Record Pieces
My sister Phoebe was one of the only people I felt "connected" to when I was really depressed possibly, because she was in my eyes, so innocent and not phony. I had decided to buy a record for her for five bucks from a record store in NYC. The record was titled, ""Little Shirley Beans" and I thought she would like it. But before I could give it to her, I dropped it. I had thought to myself, "It was in an envelope and all but it broke anyway. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible, but all I did was, I took the pieces out of the envelope and put them in my coat pocket." (154) The record pieces exposed my yearning to preserve the innocence within Phoebe. When the record broke, I was upset. The emotions I felt were as if Phoebe’s innocence had disappeared and not just a record. I knew Phoebe’s innocence was very fragile and that one day she would become an adult and I didn’t want her to. I wanted her to remain as a young girl. I feared I would lose the little girl who I understood so well.
The Red Hunting Hat
There is this one hat that really sticks out in my mind and it’s funny because I almost felt protected not only from the cold but also from the world, when I wore it. It was a red hunting hat. I bought it in NYC while I was in town for a fencing match for the school team; I was the manager of the team. I bought it off the street for a buck. I kinda bought it at a funny time though, "I saw it in the window of this sports store when we got off the subway, just after I noticed I lost all the goddamn foils." (17) I don’t think I bought the hat to keep warm, in fact, now, looking back there were probably some psychological reasons for wearing the hat. Right before I bought the hat I was feeling lousy and knew the guys on the team would ostracize me for losing all the equipment so I bought the hat to protect myself from them. I also wore the hat after Stradlater beat me up. I felt so angry, weak, and depressed all at the same time and "… I put it (red hunting hat) on, and turned the old peak around to the back, the way I liked it, and then I went over and took a look at my stupid face in the mirror. You never saw such a gore in you life." (45) I was afraid of seeing what I looked like on the outside and not only that but the depressing feelings inside too and the hunting hat portrays those feelings I had.
Skating Skirts in Radio City
One of the people I tried to reach out to over that crazy week was Sally Hayes, my old girlfriend. She was very phony in my eyes but she was good looking and I was lonely, so I spent the day with her. She liked to show off how great she looked and I remember what she said to me,
"Let’s go ice-skating at Radio City… You can rent those darling little skating skirts."
After she said that, I thought in my head,
"That’s why she was so hot to go. She wanted to see herself in one of those little skirts… She really did look damn good in it though." (128-129)
Even though I thought Sally was conceited for wanting to go ice skating just to show off her body in the skating skirt, I liked to see her in it, which displayed my growth into an adult. Only adults truly have mature feeling to be attracted to the opposite sex, kids don’t. I was becoming part of "the ugly world" of adulthood and phoniness.