star of life Adventure Territory EMS District

I discovered Emergency Medical Services (EMS) in high school while taking first aid for the first time ever, and while I was studying, Rescue: 911 became my favorite weekly TV show. As soon as I got to college, it didn't take the guys on the campus rescue squad much effort to get me to take the EMT class. I became an EMT in March 1995 and started working at a local ambulance company two months later. It was called Life-Line, in Wakefield, Massachusetts, and our ambulances served almost every city and suburb on the north side of Boston. That company kept getting bought out, I kept having to rip the patch off my uniform to sew another one on, and finally American Medical Response (AMR) took over and turned the whole place upside-down. That's about when I stopped working there. I still hold a national registry EMT card, probably always will, and I try to work on ambulances wherever and whenever I can.

EMTA Great College Job If you're in college or will be soon, I highly reccomend EMS as a job. In most places you can sleep on the night shift, and beds are provided. You get paid by the hour and are on-call at the station the whole time. The shifts are long (some 24 or even 48 hours) but sometimes you get a detail at a football or hockey game that's only five or six hours. That's right, jobs do exist where you get paid to watch football. If you give EMS a chance, you'll learn a number of good skills to put on your resume: leadership, calmness in life-or-death situations, decision-making, how to work with others in stressful situations, and above all, how to save a life.

Not All Blood and Guts Contrary to popular belief, we EMT's are not constantly wiping blood and guts off our uniforms. The really serious calls don't come along very often, especially on small volunteer squads. Your average call is usually an 89-year-old lady having trouble breathing, or a warehouse worker having back pains again. Those are 99 percent of your calls. Many of the reasons people call 911 will make you laugh. As one firefighter once told me: "people never dial 911 to say they just did something intelligent..."

A lot of EMT's like to watch "Paramedics" on the Learning Channel or "Trauma: Life in the ER" on the Discovery Channel. The 70's TV series "Emergency" is yet another form of down-time entertainment. Yes, many of us really do eat meals while looking at overhead training slides of blood and guts. It seems to add a much more adventurous side to lasagna.

Ambulance Stories It was 11:30 pm (or 23:30, as we would say) in Lawrence, MA, the middle of summer. My unit was called to respond to the Store 24 "for difficulty breathing." I'll never forget the guy who came running out of the store, googly-eyed and not-so-coordinated, out of breath. The first words from his mouth were a desperate "you gotta help me man... I can't feel my lungs!"

Since I've always been a writer, and always came home from work with interesting stories, I never thought to combine the two when I staggered in the door at eight in the morning, mumbling those stories to Mom as I tried to remember where my bed was. Finally she, and other family members, told me I should start writing about those experiences. Here they are!


So Kenny goes to a party on his motorcycle. Right away, as a South Park viewer, you know that's the beginning of the end. Kenny gets hammered. You know this kid can't resist the sauce. While hammered he smokes a bit o' wacky tobaccy and jumps back on his motorcycle. They told him not to go. He'd heard stories of trees jumping out into the middle of the road when they saw wasted high people coming (trees, like cows, are a lot smarter than anyone gives them credit for...) but never believed them. Well anyway... a tree noticed that Kenny was coming. The laws of physics sort of favored the tree.
...they KILLED Kenny!
Things I Learned In Urban EMS

People here spell ambulance 'T-A-X-I'.

Clean, modern, office space is not nessesarily needed to run a lucrative business here.

If your siren is broken, a patient with a minor stomach ache is an acceptable substitute.

Graffiti is protected as a form of "speech."

Pitbulls are exotic pets. So are alligators.

A police cruiser with no dents or bullet holes has not been placed in service yet.

At the scene of a car crash, never mistake a dented-up cop car as being involved; it was like that since day 2.

It is often a mistake to call a car crash an "accident."

With tinted windows, gold hubcaps, and the maker's name plastered across the hood, even your grandmother's car can be stylish here.

Fires always follow the rule of threes: If it happens at 3 am, it will be at least 3 alarms and take at least 3 hours for the firefighters to put out.

At the present rate of 3-alarm fires, there will be no more city by October 2002.

There are car stereos with more wattage than my siren.

There are teenagers with more offspring than an adult fieldmouse.

Some teenagers reproduce fast enough to be classified as viruses.

The "terrible 2's" are when the tot starts to fight his 10 pm curfew.

It really is possible to find a residence without any street signs or house numbers.

The world's most complicated diseases can be instantaneously cured simply by demonstrating fluency in the patient's native language.

If Sally Struthers can save children with the price of a cup of coffee, she should take over welfare reforms.

Actually, no. It's Friday night, I'm working again, and I need my coffee.

Doctors
Vs.
The Ambulance Guys

MD: Has had enough training to be dangerous.
EMT: Has had coffee and is dangerous.

MD: Ego trip
EMT:Nicotine fit

MD: Hopes his caddy can find the 9-iron.
EMT: Hopes the cooler will last 9 innings.

MD: Maintains a patient's medical records
EMT: Helps patients achieve land speed records

MD: Framed certificates with Latin phrases
EMT: Tacked-up centerfolds of Latin lovers

MD: Wonders if the student will survive his residency
EMT: Wonders how most people survive past infancy

MD: Sutures
EMT: Duct tape

MD: "Nurse, it's hot; turn on the A/C."
EMT: "Dispatch, we're at the beach if you need us."

MD: Does a cardiac consult over dinner
EMT: Gets the cardiac special over at the diner

MD: Caviar and wine
EMT: McCaviar Deluxe and a large Coke--to go.

MD: Neurology convention at the Royal Sonesta
EMT: Head injuries nite at Central Station

MD: Runs tests to see what's wrong with the patient
EMT: Performs "miracle healings" by first attempting a rectal I.V.

MD: Covers ward 5 while the other doc's on vacation
EMT: Covers West, Central, and District 5 while the other unit's on a transfer

MD: Flirts with nurses
EMT: Flirts with nurses, CNA's LPN's, Co-workers, lifeguards, sunbathers, joggers, receptionists, cute cops, siblings and friends of co-workers, the new person, strangers in internet chat rooms, and an occasional hospital candy-striper.

Written by Mike Colclough, (c)1999. May not be reproduced for profit without permission from the author. But do feel free to tack it up in the station next to your favorite centerfold.
HOME
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1