Presented as part of the Whiskey Rebellion Challenge
Written and Performed by the Talented and Tuneful Woody Cunningham
to the tune of “The Big Rock-Candy Mountain”
In the Allegheny Tavern
Where the Rascals love to meet
We sit around, we smoke cigars
We drink some beer and eat.
You don’t need to use the menu
There’s a mighty fine buffet
Where a bunch of guys
Try to harmonize
And they roll their eyes
While somebody lies
Then they present him with the Landgraf Prize
In the Allegheny Tavern.
In the Allegheny Tavern
You can come just as you are
(but if you’re not careful
you’ll have a hooker in your car)
And you’re apt to learn ‘bout Westinghouse
Or of how in Burgettstown
Princep’s brother’s brain
Splattered by a train
Resulted in the end of the Hapsburg Reign
In the Allegheny Tavern.
In the Allegheny Tavern
Where the Rogues seem to abound
We learn the tangled hist’ry
Of our Smoky Ol’ Mill Town.
We’re obsessed with Mayor Joe Barker
And with whiskey Rebels, too.
And with covert tours
Through the Oakland sewers
And the made-up dope
On that horrid Pope
In the Allegheny Tavern.
If you’re built like Megatherium
If you can take a joke
If you can make outlandish puns
That make somebody choke
You can even be Director
And not do a dogone thing
‘Cept to strum your uke
Hoping not to puke
In grave expectation of a harsh rebuke
In the Allegheny Tavern.