Just like I don’t remember actual events, only feelings and faces, I don’t really see people. They are all a blur to me. I can’t make out their features. They’re all just faceless blobs. Much like the people I went to high school with. But the people from my past life...they are clear. I can see them perfectly.
I saw Becca, my best friend, once. She had been in her car, parked on this street, mourning me, I know. She had finally cut her blond hair, like I begged for years for her to do. I remember the sadness on her face, and it hurts. I wish I could laugh with her and smile with her, and I wish she didn’t have to see me for the last time, like she did.
I had also seen an ex-boyfriend once. Dumb bastard. Cheated on me and cheated on me until I couldn’t take it anymore. After the last time, I ran to Nick, and then I met Alex, and the prick was forgotten. But when I saw him, it came to me, everything he did. I had tried to kick him in the nuts, but I remembered he couldn’t feel it. That royally pissed me off.
As I begin my daily stroll through the neighborhood, I notice a very familiar car. Becca’s car. She’s here today.
She sits in her car, and as I approach it, I can hear the CD player. She is so sad, so lost and lonely. I can see it. I long to stroke her hair and tell her I’m here.
“Guilty roads...to an endless love...there’s no control...are you with me now...”
I am reminded of the dream I had the other night. I don’t know what to call it. Dream, vision...or some other word I was supposed to memorize for my English final.
He had said I would get there soon. Said he could see it, that he knew.
He said I would be with Alex again.
The thought brings a little warmth to my cold body. Something that even mortals have a hard time doing in this damn weather. To hear his voice, to feel his touch would be heaven.
Is he right? Will I be with Alex again?
“Turn your head, Becca.”
My attention is now fully on Becca. I’m very aware that I’m begging, but I have no pride anymore. I just want her to see me and live again.
Becca, as expected, doesn’t move. I see her sigh, and she starts her car up again.
I am getting desperate. “No, Becca! Please, just turn your head! Listen to me! Please!”
She drives away, leaving me in the middle of the road, silent tears falling from my eyes. This happens every time. Every time I see her, or someone I used to know, I cry and beg for them to hear me, but they don’t. They never do, never will.
Is this how I’m supposed to live my life? Walking down the same street forever, being completely oblivious to the world? Wait a second...what am I talking about? I don’t have a life anymore. My life ended.
The realization only brings me more tears. God, what did I do? What did I do that was so fuckin’ terrible? Because I faked cramps to escape gym class? Because I got jealous when Alex openly flirted with a prettier and bustier female? Compared to the murderers and rapists, was I really that bad?
God, I just want another chance to live! To feel the sun, to hold a conversation, to even fuckin’ breathe! I never took anything for granted! I never felt it was all owed to me! Why was it taken away when I never abused it and always cherished it?
“I won’t screw up this time! I’ll be extra-good!”
My plea falls on deaf ears, as I knew it would. It always will. I start to cry harder. I know I shouldn’t cry, that I had led a good life, but I wanted more. I didn’t want to be alone like this.
Suddenly, my eyes close, and a strange fever ravages over me. It comes out of nowhere, and I am not prepared. I’m dead. I don’t have fevers anymore. The pain is starting to go from my head, to my heart, and down the rest of my body, and it’s becoming unbearable. I cry out, and I fall on my back, the cool concrete sending an intense shot of pain through my body.
And then I am gone.
©2000 Eyes of Stone
