Thankfully, the Boys’ schedule has permitted a few days off, which I have spent working on my new project. It definitely is my most eccentric, unusual piece.

When I am done, it’ll be beautiful, for Alex and Nick are my centerpieces. In it, they are holding hands, yet deep inside Nick’s gut is my image, so in all reality, it’s really Alex and I.

The Boys keep asking me if I want to go out when they do, join them for dinner or a night out at a club, but I decline and stay in my room, working on my painting. I know they’re worried, but I assure them I’m fine. I’m just working on a new painting and that I really want to spend these days off working on it.

They haven’t seen it. They wouldn’t understand.

They do understand that I want to be left alone to finish my work, and are respecting my wishes. They are not bothering me and pestering me.

However, I ran out of paint. I need paint.

So I make a trip to the store for more dark brown. I ran out painting Alex’s goatee.

When I return back to my room, I am surprised to find Alex sitting in a chair, next to my painting. His face is tense, and he is angry. He looks at me as I drop my bag on my bed.

“What the hell is this?”

I risk a glance at my painting. So far, I’ve only made it to Alex’s face and his upper body. “It’s my painting.”

“Why the hell are you painting me?”

“You were in the picture.”

Alex jumps out of the chair. “I’m in the picture? Why am I in your goddamn picture?”

“Don’t ask me. Ask whoever gives me the pictures.”

Alex’s eyes widen, for he recognizes that line. Once, when I was painting the portrait of a junkie I had seen in a dream, he asked me why I was painting a junkie. I had said the exact same thing, too.

He lets out a frustrated cry. “I don’t know what is wrong with you, but it’s scaring me! You think I don’t see the way you’ve suddenly picked up on everything Gwen used to do? This sudden interest in painting! Listening to music you never glanced at! Saying things you never thought of! What are you trying to do, slip into Gwen’s shoes?”

I walk over to Alex and grab his face, bringing him dangerously close to mine. “You think you are so smart, Alex. You think you’ve got it all figured out, little boy, but you don’t. There are things so much bigger than you that you have no control over. You are sheltered, boy, and you know nothing!”

Alex looks small, confused, even scared, and I push him away.

“I think it’s best if I leave.”

Alex walks past me and prepares to leave, until he looks back at me. “I suppose you know about these bigger things.”

“Yes. I do know. These bigger things have toyed with me for years.” I sneer at him. “If you don’t believe me, ask Nick. He knows.”

Alex’s eyes widen in shock and his mouth drops open. “But you are Nick.”

I smile sweetly. “Appearances are deceiving, dear Alex.”

Alex opens his mouth, but I cut him off. “Leave. You irritate me.”

I turn away and begin to set up my work. I ignore Alex until he finally leaves.

What I have done is stupid. I’m very aware of that. But his words angered me, and I am tired of living a lie. I can’t be in his presence and pretend anymore. It hurts too much.

Alex is a smart man, despite what I told him. Perhaps he will see the truth, see the soul behind the face, see what we, as mortals, are unable to see, see what we can see when we die.

Will God be kind and give Alex to me? Or will He be cruel and keep him away?

Oh, Nickolas, what price did you pay? What did they say to you when they decided your body was where I belonged?

Where are you?