"Maria Maria...you remind me of a Westside story...”

I roll over and slam the alarm clock off, groaning a little. It is noon, and I know I should be getting up, but I don’t want to. I just want to lay here.

After a few minutes, I manage to drag myself up and get into the shower. I can’t believe how easy it is for a man to take a shower. It used to take me an hour and a half to take a shower. Men DO have it easier.

I’m washing my hair when I hear someone enter my hotel room. “Nick?” Alex calls out.

“I’m in the shower! Hold on a sec!”

I finish up quickly and wrap a towel around myself before I enter the bedroom. Alex is standing by the window, holding a bouquet of roses. He turns to me, and his mouth drops open, his eyes wide as if I’m something special.

“Hi.”

“Hi. Can you hand me a pair of boxers?”

Alex walks over to my suitcase and picks out a pair of black boxers. He tosses them over, and I catch them, dropping the towel as I do. I’ve never been modest, and I have no problems putting clothes on in front of him.

Besides, Alex has probably seen Nick in the buff, anyway.

“When’s Becca coming by?”

“She called. Said she’s on her way.”

I slip on a t-shirt and jeans, and fix my hair with my fingers. “Aww, you got me roses.”

“They’re for Gwen.”

Yeah, didn’t I say they were for me? My sarcasm is getting the best of me. Wait...he said they were for me. How is he going to give me flowers? Then it hits me like lightning. We’re going to my grave.

This new piece of knowledge does not sit well with me. I can’t go there! That’s insane! They can’t expect me to go there! That’s against all laws of God and man! Dead people don’t visit their own graves!

But then again, dead people also don’t get a second chance to live in someone else’s body.

I quietly continue getting dressed, trying to find a reason to get out of this. I know this means everything to Alex, and especially Becca, whose agony was to never end. We were so close, like she was my third sister, and she had been the one to find me in my car. She would never forget my face in that car.

Suddenly, Alex turns away from the window. “She’s here,” he says softly.

Wordlessly, we leave my room and walk out of the hotel, approaching Becca’s car. Alex sits in the front, and I am in the back, closely examining Becca.

She looks so much more older now, with her short hair and tired eyes. She used to have beautiful skin, but dark circle claims the area beneath her eyes, and she looks as if she has lost a good twenty pounds. The poor child looks haunted.

We are quiet as Becca drives to the cemetery, where most of my family has been buried, including my cousin Andy. He and I had grown up together, and he died in a car accident when he was 14. During the years without him, I had always hoped that we would be together in death.

It is just another pipe dream.

My stomach is beginning to twist into knots of steel. I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to see this. I can’t see them grieve for me. I can’t see my name on that headstone.

“Nick? Are you with me?”

I snap out of my thoughts and look at Becca, whose eyes are locked firmly on the road. What did she say? Are you with me?

“Are you with me now?”

Nick’s line in “Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely” floats around in my mind, especially the last time I heard him say it. We were all at a club, the guys and I, and it had come on.

“Yeah.”

We are now at the cemetery, and my dread grows. I could start running now...just so I don’t have to see this. We walk through the cemetery, the air fresh and clear, the sun shining on us. The weather is a mask for our emotions.

“Is it right here?”

“Yes.”

Slowly, I lift my head up. There it is. My headstone.

Gwyneth Marie Barlow, November 9, 1980 to September 6, 1999. A lump rises in my throat as painful tears cloud my vision. Underneath my date of birth and date of death is a quote from Stairway to Heaven.

“And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul, there walks a lady we all know who shines white light and wants to show how everything still turns to gold...”

Oh God. It is my favorite verse. How stupid am I? I can’t stand here and stare at this! I can’t stare at the proof that I died!

A low, mournful cry escapes from my throat, and I run away from Alex and Becca, away from the cold proof...away from reality.

The truth is that I never really believed I was dead. I thought it was all just a dream, a bad dream. But now, I have seen the truth. I am dead.

Hot tears flood my eyes, and I am running through the cemetery like a blind man. Only two words are in my mind right now, two haunting words.

I’m dead.

My long legs, in reality Nick’s long legs, became tangled, and I fall on my hands.

Any strength I may have had has been wasted away, and I lay there, sobbing uncontrollably. I can’t help myself.

I faintly hear voices, but they are faraway. I look up and see Alex’s face, his loving eyes, and I cry even more. I was supposed to grow old with this man! I was supposed to share my life with him, and look at me now! I’m dead!

“Nick.” I can’t say a word, for my mind is incapable of forming words right now. Alex seems to sense this, and sits down next to me.

“Nick. Nick? Say something. Nick?”

I am quite the sight, a grown man crying his eyes out, except for the fact that I am not a man. I am Gwen, stuck in a man’s body because mine was taken away.

“Oh my God. Nick.”

Before I can even protest, I am wrapped in Alex’s arms, his cheek pressed against mine, his voice in my ears. “I’m sorry, Nick. It’s too soon. I’m so sorry,” Alex begins to chant, at tears himself.

We cry together, both mourning the same person. Alex mourns the one with the mischievous glint in her hazel eyes, the one who giggled at the thong she kept on her wall, the one he would hold in his arms at night, mastering her body with his hands. He mourned the one who saw through the glitzy image, who pointed out his flaws, who embraced them and loved just as she loved his sweeter qualities. He mourns the one who completed him.

I mourn the one with the dark hair, the one with hazel eyes outlined by eyelashes that refused to curl. The one who couldn’t wear red lipstick without looking like the Joker, the one who carried a chicken pox scar on the heel of her left foot, the one whose right index nail grew in a totally different direction. I mourn the body I had claimed as mine.

And even though we mourn the same person, in many ways we both mourn different people.

“I didn’t even think of how this would affect you. I’m so selfish. I haven’t even thought of how much you loved her. I’m so sorry, Nick...so sorry...”

Alex’s words, at one time a comfort, do not provide that today. I am lost in grief, and nothing can pull me back.

“Becca! Becca, baby, I am so sorry, but we have to leave!”

“Oh my God! Nick? Nick! AJ, he won’t answer me!”

“We have to get him home.”

The next few hours are nothing more than a blur. I know that Becca and Alex managed to get me up and into the car. I know they drove me back to the hotel and dropped me off in my room, both of them taking turns staying with me.

I’m not sure how long I lay in bed, sobbing, but I eventually fall asleep, and for the first time in my life, I dream of nothing.

It is dark when I open my eyes. Upon turning my head, I see Becca in a chair, her large green eyes set firmly on me, a V.C. Andrews book in her lap.

“Nick. You’re awake.”

“Yeah.” I sit up, rubbing my eyes. “Are you okay?”

Becca smiles. “I’m fine, Nick. I’m more worried about you, baby. How do you feel?”

“Tired.”

Becca nods her head and she gets out of her chair, taking a seat on the bed next to me. “Yes. I’m sorry about bringing you there. I didn’t know you would take it so hard-“

I look away, unable to look at her.

Becca sighs deeply, and I see her brush a lock of hair out of her eyes. “I’m sorry, Nick.”

I look over at her and her eyes...her eyes sadden me. They used to twinkle devilishly, used to see past the material things and see the good in everyone. But now, all her eyes resemble are two pools of green sadness, green grief, green pain.

“You’ve been mine and AJ’s strength throughout this, Nick. He’s told me so. Every time he cries, you’re there. Every time I cry, you’re there. And it’s just hit me that no one has been there when you cry.”

Becca reaches over and touches my cheek. “Today is a sign. A sign that you need someone to wipe away the tears. You need someone to be your strength.”

She smiles sweetly, and touches my hair, which makes me nervous. “Gwen was our strength. She insisted on it, but we have to find a different strength now. I’ve found mine...you need yours...”

What Becca is doing is making me nervous and nauseous. She leans forwards, her face close to me. “Let me be your strength,” she whispers, pressing her lips against mine.

What?! What the hell is she doing?! My mind is screaming, trying to push her away. I can’t help but think of Becca throughout the years, as a child, as a tall scrawny teenager, as a young woman. And to have that girl, woman, kiss me...yet she isn’t kissing me. She is kissing Nick.

Becca pulls away, smiling slightly, and I cannot help but utter the first thing in my mind.

“Where’s Alex?”

Becca is confused. I can tell from the way her eyes have narrowed, the quizzical pout on her lips, the way she searches my face. The question is seemingly strange, I know.

“Well, I don’t know...he....”

Recognition lights a special fire, but her eyes tear up immediately. It is clearly obvious that her heart is broken, yet she laughs bitterly and jumps away from me.

“Becca, are you...”

“Okay? No! I am not okay! I am not okay, Nick, because it’s happened again!”

She reaches down and grabs her purse and book, then looking at me with wide, hateful eyes. “I should have known! All this time you’ve been together! Now it’s clearly obvious! Obvious indeed!”

“Becca-“

“No! I’ve seen it now!” Becca looks up at the ceiling, as if she is talking to God.

“When will I stop losing the people I love to HIM?!”

She storms out of my room, slamming the door on her way out. I hear Alex’s voice outside, and I hear him and Becca arguing.

“I lose everyone to you!”

Oh my God. What has she done? What will Alex say? What will he think? The door creeps open, and I hear Alex’s gentle footsteps.

I give him a smile in which he returns. He sits down next to me, staring intently.

“What happened with Becca?”

“She kissed me.”

Alex’s eyes widen, and a sly smile forms on his lips. “Nick, you stud. But wait...she wasn’t happy.”

“I don’t like her like that, Alex.”

Alex stares at me in shock, his face contorted in confusion. “You’ve never called me Alex, Nick.”

“It just slipped. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just surprised me. What did Becca mean by she loses everyone to me?”

“I don’t know. She’s very upset. This whole business with Gwen and me and everything. She’s carrying a lot on her shoulders.”

Alex, although extremely doubtful, simply nods his head. “I’ll give her a few days to clear her head.”

I nod in agreement, yet I fear what will be said should he speak with Becca. Her fear leads to hate, as the great Yoda himself said, and that makes her capable of anything.

Which leads me to wonder what she really meant by her comment. Who has she lost to Alex? Of course, I know she counts me as one...as much as she enjoyed his company and was happy for me, she was jealous of the time he and I spent together. But now...does she think she has lost Nick to Alex as well?

The prospect is a scary one.

“Are you okay?” Alex asks.

I smile, despite my thoughts. “Yes. I’ll be fine.”

Alex looks as if he doesn’t believe me, but he nods anyway. “If you need me, I’m next door.”

I just nod, and Alex cups my chin and stares deeply into my eyes. “I mean it, Nick. It’s time you let someone take care of you. You take care of me and Becca, and you took care of Gwen when she was alive. You’re overdue for some babying.”

I smile, and Alex just sort of stares in amazement. “You smile so much like her...” He smiles a little. “Sometimes I wonder if she’s in you.”

Is he seeing me? In Nick’s eyes, does he see a glimmer of mine? Alex reaches over and caresses my cheek, then stands up and leaves my room.

I lay back down, covering my face as I reflect on the day’s events. Am I getting close to having him at my side again? Or will Becca destroy everything I’ve dreamed of?

Am I just headed for disaster either way?