April 29, 2000

(A bright sunny day. Another meeting of BSB Anonymous is in session. The Eyes of Stone Crew are all discussing Men Strike Back before Jackie comes in.)

Abbey: "I told him to just wear a skirt, but he never listens."

Shelby: "That's exactly what I told him. But nooo...he has to be stubborn."

(Jackie walks in.)

Jackie: "Good afternoon, ladies. How are we feeling?"

All: "Fine."

Jackie: "Good. Let's begin as we usually do."

(All eyes fall to Ashley, who shifts around uncomfortably.)

Ashley: "My name is Ashley, and I'm addicted to BSB."

Kelly: "My name is Kelly and I'm addicted to BSB."

Abbey: "My name's Abbey and I'm addicted to BSB."

Shelby: "I'm Shelby, and I'm addicted to BSB."

Kat: "My name's Kat, and I'm addicted to BSB."

Julie: "I'm Julie, and I'm addicted to BSB."

Jackie: "Good. Now, how has everyone been doing this week?"

(The girls glance around uncomfortably, and Jackie knows something is up.)

Jackie: "Girls?"

(Everyone is suddenly quiet.)

Ashley: "All right, all right! Men Strike Back was on!"

Jackie: "Ashley, I told you that watching it will cause you to relapse!"

Ashley: "But...they sang The One! And Kevby wore a skirt!"

Jackie: "And look at what has happened! You just erased months of hard work!"

Kelly: "Don't blame Ash. Blame Kevin and the skirt."

(Everyone's eyes glaze over.)

All: "Yeeeeeeah."

(Jackie lets out a deep sigh.)

Jackie: "Anyway, I know somehow I'm going to regret this. I've managed to contact the Backstreet Boys, and they're going to visit you. This wya you can see for yourselves that they're just human, not...what did you call them, Kat?"

Kat: "Walking orgasms."

Julie: "So Backstreet is going to walk in at any moment?"

Jackie: "Any moment.

(Silece falls over the Eyes of Crew. Finally, a stream of curses fly through the air. Kelly and Ashley whip out their cowboy hats, Kel's being leopard print and Ash's being blue sequined, as the other girls fix their hair.)

Jackie: "Girls! They don't care what you look like!"

Abbey: "And Kevin doesn't look good in chaps!"

(The girls continue to primp until a click is heard. The girls freeze up, and a janitor walks in.)

Janitor: "Miss Brady?"

(The Eyes of Stone Crew let out some of the most obscene curses you've ever heard in your life.)

Jackie: "Girls! Pretend you have manners!"

Kat: "We have manners. We'll make the Boys feel welcome."

Jackie: "That's enough, Kat."

(Jackie follows the janitor out of the room, and the girls start to chatter.)

Kelly: "All right, this is it! Do whatever is nec-"

(Kelly's attention is caught by Ashley, who is fixing to slip on a white faux fur coat.)

Julie: "What are you doing, dude?"

Ashley: "I'm gonna be like the Godfather. Pimpin' hoes nationwide."

Kelly: "Um...you do that, Ash. Anyway, this is what we've been waiting for. Pull out your girls, make promises you can't keep...whatever it takes."

(The girls solemnly nod as Ashley finishes getting into her "Godfather" mode. They put on the finishing touches and are waiting for the Boys.)

Shelby: "Ash, will you take off that chain? It's blinding me."

(Shelby is referring to Ashley's large silver "Pimp Mama" necklace.)

Ashley: "It'll get AJ's attention."

Julie: "And make it impossible for me to ride him like a horse, he'll be so blind!"

(Ashley scowls, but takes the necklace off.)

Abbey: "Um...does anyone know when they're coming?"

Kelly: "No."

(An hour passes. They've forgotten the Backstreet Bastards are almost always late. Finally, the door opens and the Boys walk in.)

Kevin: "Is.......Jacquelyn..........Brad........."

Abbey and Shelby: "No! She died!"

(Kelly is smirking at Brian.)

Kelly: "Oh, baby, I have truly sinned."

(Kat is eating a Twinkie, and Nick begins to drool.)

Nick: "Need......Twinkie......"

Kat: "Now, now...no drooling until the time is right...we can share."

(Ashley and Julie are staring AJ down like a piece of meat.)

AJ: "Um..hi."

(AJ humps the floor.)

Ashley and Julie: "Hol-ay *censored*!!!!!"

(They run to AJ, but Julie gets there first because Ashley's coat is weighing her down. She turns to Howie, who looks like a deer caught in headlights.)

Ashley: "It's okay, Howard. I will make you a man."

(Ashley drags Howie over to the closet, but the giggling and moaning are dead giveaways. Kev, Abbey, and Shelby have already set up camp in there.)

Ashley: "Well, Howard, I guess we'll have to start searching."

(Ashley and Howie leave the room in search of a "proper place". Meanwhile, AJ and Julie are "talking" as Kelly discusses her baptism, which she wants Brian to perform.)

Kelly: "I think it will be a private ceremony, just the two of us...also, I feel we should be naked...to further purify the process."

(Suddenly, Jackie walks in, and is horrified by what she sees.)

Jackie: "Kelly, get off of Brian's lap! Julie, get off of AJ period!"

(Both Kelly and Julie scramble off of the Boys)

Jackie: "Kat, get that Twinkie out of your mouths!"

(Kat and Nick pull away from each other, each finishing their half of the Twinkie. Suddenly, a loud crash comes from the closet. Jackie opens the door to be greeted by Kev, Abbey, and Shelby.)

Jackie: "Find your seats, girls."

(Like bad school children, Shelby and Abbey return to their seats.)

Jackie: "Where's Ashley?"

(She glances around as Kev collapses, completely worn out. No one says anything about Ashley's whereabouts.)

Jackie: "She'll show up eventually. Now, let's begin. The purpose of this is to-"

(Suddenly, the lights go out. Spotlights start to appear, and Ashley is standing in the doorway. The Godfather's music starts to play, and she dances into the room, Howie behind her.)

Kelly: "That was quick."

Ashley: "Naw. I'm so good just a look turned him all man."

(Howie faints at the memory.)

Ashley: "Or maybe not."

Abbey: "This is *censored*!!!"

Kelly: "To the Streetmobile!"

(The Eyes of Stone Crew gather up Bri, AJ, and Nick, and scrape up Kev and Howie off the floor, and leave, leaving Jackie gaping with her mouth open.)

THE END

�2000 Eyes of Stone