But to get back to the point. Why do it? I know, but then again I don't know. It's not about how many wonderful people I know, not about whether my boyfriend loves me, not about the relationship with my family, not about how supportive the people at work are, and maybe it's not about the chemicals in my brain either. Maybe it's not any of those, maybe a combination of all of them. I feel that it's something more than these. That my suicide impulses came from some intangible aspect of my mind. An aspect that I overcame. Not easily though. When I started my therapy I was so damned afraid that I would lose myself by recovering. Yeah, I was depressed and miserable, but I'd been that way for years. I knew who I was and I was afraid the pills they had me taking would change who I was. Funny, a girl shoves a bunch of pills down her throat- solution? Give her more pills! It was my greatest fear though. I was scared to wake up, look in a mirror and not know the person staring back at me. I can only tell you though that my recovery made me more me than I had ever been before. Suddenly my emotions were my natural reactions and not my hormones out of whack. Suddenly I could walk across a bridge and it wouldn't even occur to me to that I could throw myself off.
Getting here wasn't easy though. I lost my job. I'm estranged from my family. It's an achingly lonely road to a 'healthy mental state'. There's the expression on people's faces the first time you tell them you were locked up in a loony bin. Their insincere comments to deal with. The thousands upon thousands of "you shouldn't kill yourself" lectures and the "I was depressed for a couple days once and I got through it" My mother is very religious and suicide is forbidden by the Catholic Church, so in her mind my attempt was a way for me to slap her in her face, to embarrass her in front of her church buddies. I can't have a bad day without someone surreptitiously calling the chaplain to check up on me later. You know what though? Bearing the burden of a suicide attempt it a thousand times lighter than the yoke of Depression. I'm not going to tell you suicide is wrong. I'll never try it again. I'm alive now, and I find many things in life to be joyful for, and many things that sadden me as well. I live now, because I have no choice but to breathe. I think that's the way it's supposed to be. I had my go with death and life won out, so I choose life. But sometimes people ask me if I could go back, would I still do it? And the answer is yes. On the evening of November 10th I would still choose to kill myself- if I knew what I know now, I would just choose a more lethal method. Because back then, it wasn't about what I knew, it was about how I felt. I no longer feel that way and am glad of it, but to deny it would be a lie. I'm not going to lie, even though it's what people want to hear.
I don't consider suicide a sin; I consider it a tragedy. You'll find suicide quotes on some of my other pages. Have a good day, and take care of yourself.
There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide.
Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental questions of philosophy
Albert Camus
