Spikesicle
By
EntreNous

Summary: The middle of December, and it�s unexpectedly cooooold in Sunnydale!! Brrr! So Spike phones Giles and the girls for help with a wintry kind of problem. Pure silliness. This was won the BatPack�s Holiday Season Challenge 2003 -- see the shiny button at the bottom of the page. But it�s not so much about the holidays as it is set during them. But hey -- I�ve got snow, I�ve got moonlight, I�ve got references to �Happy Holidays,� Hanukah, Solstice, Christmas�and I�ve even got a gratuitous reference to demonic candy canes! And the story is infused throughout with the spirit of giving. :) Oh, and italicized lines indicate background noise.

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�Happy Holidays from The Magic Box. Rupert Giles speaking.�

�Watcher! What�s the proper treatment for stripped tongue?�

�What are you . . . Wait. Did you say striped or stripped?�

�Stripped!�

�Stripped -- Spike, that is you, isn�t it?�

�Yeah.�

�What do you mean by -- you�re having some sort of problem with your tongue?�

�S�not my tongue.�

�Erm . . . perhaps we ought to begin again. If you could simply clarify what you�d like to know?�

�Tongue. Skin�s been stripped right off of it. What should happen next?�

�In the way of treatment, or --�

�Yeah! Can�t have him going around with bruised tongue, now can we?�

�I�m sure I�ll regret asking, but whose tongue are we discussing?�

�Xander�s! I did say �he�. Who else would I call you about? How many men are there in this great gaggle of girls besides you, me and the boy? And I�m talking to you, aren�t I?�

�Oh, well . . . I�m sure you realize that you weren�t at all clear.�

�Stupid gi. . . Fine. I�ve been terribly abstruse. I do hope you�ll forgive me, Giles. But Xander�s tongue LACKS SKIN on parts of the top right now, and we�re just asking you to --�

�Good lord! His tongue has no skin?�

�Well, parts of it anyway. Looks like some demonic kind of candy cane -- red, then redder, then red, then� well, you get it. That�s what I�ve been trying to t--�

�Did this happen on patrol? Because if there was moonlight involved, there are a few very unpleasant rituals that involve -- wait! Was there some sort of confrontation with a tongue-snatching demon? With the Solstice coming up particularly, I imagine that a number of demons . . . And, yes, if memory serves, there are Gnarshen that attempt to --�

�Wasn�t a demon.�

�Oh. Well . . . �

�You should just be glad we didn�t call you for help earlier.�

�Why? What happened earlier?�

�When his tongue was stuck. How else do you think the skin came right off of it? Are you daft?�

�Spike, I feel we are speaking at cross purposes here.�

�I�m not! I�ve been clear enough about the situation. I�ve told you what we want to know. Your not providing the answer is the problem!�

�Please do try to remain calm.�

�Bloody -- �

�Look here! I cannot help you if you don�t provide me with sufficient facts about what occurred.�

�What, now you need a blow-by-blow description?�

�Spike -- �

�All right, all right! But I�ll have you know that while you�re nosing around for private details, poor Xander is lying here with pain radiating from his damaged tongue!!!�

�Do you want me to hang up the phone?�

�Fine friend you are -- letting someone suffer because you�re too particular about the way people ask you for help. See if he gives you your Christmas present!�

�Now see here . . . �

�Is anyone else there? Preferably someone with half a brain?�

sounds of voices, phone twisting out of someone�s hand, and a high voice squeaking

�Spike, what have you done to Xander? You better hope for your sake he�s okay, because it would really make my Christmas to scatter Spike-dust to the wind. So help me, if I find out that you�re somehow hurt Xander in any way, I�ll --�

muffled sounds and then a voice saying firmly �Hand it over. Now!�

�Spike? This is Willow.�

�Red. Happy Hanukah, by the bye.�

�Oh! Thanks, uh . . . Can I speak to Xander, please?�

�May I . . . �

�Oh, good gravy -- may I speak to Xander, Spike?�

�He can�t come to the phone right now. Tongue doesn�t work. No skin on�t.�

sounds of phone covered over, hissed conversation in background

�Okay, uh . . . Spike? I�m really sorry that Giles and Buffy weren�t helpful.�

sounds of indignant exclamations, hands being slapped away, and a voice spitting out �quit it!�

� -- that they weren�t helpful, and I want to help, okay? This is me being helpful. If you could just tell me how Xander�s tongue came to be, uh . . . �

�Stripped of skin in places.�

�That�s right, Spike, stripped . . . ewwww! Okay! Recovered. Back. If you�d tell me, then I�ll help. And I won�t get mad, and I won�t let Buffy beat you up, and I won�t let Giles lecture you. All right? Just tell me.�

sigh

�Y�know about vamp temp?�

�Vamp . . . you mean how vampires aren�t 98.6 like humans?�

�Exactly. Shoulda asked for you first, Red. Much more reasonable than the watcher.�

�Um . . . thanks, I think. And to continue with the explaining, please?�

�Oh, yeah. Well, like you said, not warm-blooded at all, so when we�re in different temperatures, we adjust accordingly.�

�Okay. And this has to do with Xander�s tongue how -- never mind. Forget I said that . . . helping again! So you change temperatures . . .�

�Right.�

�Wow, that must make saunas really uncomfortable.�

�Does at that.�

�Hmm . . . and what about --�

�Well, you�ve probably looked out the window and figured out that it�s a frickin� cold day outside.�

�Oh, okay. Back on topic. Um . . . right! �Tis the season and all that. Snow covering the ground and everything! It�s wild! Yeah, they�re saying on TV that Sunnydale hasn�t seen weather this cold since, uh the Christmas of 1948-- �

�The point being, we were outside, in the snow, and my temperature . . . adjusted.�

�Um . . . so you were at about freezing point then?�

�Yes. Exactly.�

�Still not seeing the connections here, Spike.�

sigh

�I complained. Boy said he�d warm me up. End of story.�

� �Boy said he�d� . . . �

�Being all warm-blooded and all? And above freezing point?�

�Uh . . . above fr-- oh my goodness! Then . . . Xander must have . . . oh, boy.�

�That�s what I said!�

�No, uh . . . okay, I think I�m starting to get the picture here. And I really need not to think about said picture! But I�ve got to figure out how to tell -- um, explain! Explain to Giles and Buffy how this incredibly complicated and non-physical stripping of Xander�s tongue occurred.�

�Damned if I can think of something besides �Well, the boy went down on his knees, he leaned in, undid my jeans, and took -- � �

muffled murmur in background

�Hang on Red . . . What was that, pet?�

dim sound of �tillim eyewuz eting neye cycle�

muffled sounds then �You were -- oh, good show, pet.�

�Spike?�

�Red! Tell the watcher and the slayer the boy was eating an . . . erm . . . icicle . . .�

sound of Spike covering phone, followed by dim noises of snickering

�Spike, you and Xander owe me big time! Big time for this, because now I�ve got an image of the two of you . . . okay, I�ll explain everything about the �icicle�, and we�ll figure out how to deal with the frozen tongue-skin syndrome, okay?�

�Yeah . . .�

more snickering in the background

�Argh! Stop that laughing and . . . Spike, are you still there?�

�Know what, Red? I think we�re fine over here now. Yeah. Think he�s forgotten all about the pesky pain. Tell you what . . . I�ll get him to swallow some tablets to take the edge off, and put him straight to bed. Don�t worry about us. Just tell Giles and the slayer to piss of, yeah?�

�Okay, just . . . Spike, he shouldn�t, uh, eat any more . . . icicles or Popsicles, or _anything_ like that for the next few days, okay?�

�Don�t you worry a bit. No more . . . well, not for a few days, anyway! Thanks for . . . well, thanks for nothing. I�ll take care of him proper. He won�t be the one eating anything of the sort, if you get my meaning.�

�Oh, boy.�

�Red, you just keep stealing all my lines.�

~*~*~*~*~THE END!!!~*~*~*~*~