(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)

TR (ANNC): It's the summer movie everybody's talking about. If you're planning to see only one movie this summer, make sure you see�.MR. NOIR GOES TO WASHINGTON. (MOVIE THEME) A dark night in a city that knows how to leak its secrets, but one man keeps trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ---

GK: Let me ask you this, Senator ---

SS: Mr. Noir?

GK: What?

SS: Kiss me.

GK: Senator, I (A SMOOCH, SS THE AGRESSOR) --- (GYPSY VIOLIN BRIDGE)

TR: There's smoldering sex, there's explosive violence�.(FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE.

TK: Look out! SCREECH OF TIRES. EXPLOSION) �.. and there's intrigue.

TR: RUSSIAN

SS: What's he saying?

GK: He's saying that the Russkies paid a surgeon a hundred grand to implant a listening device in the vice-president's chest.

TR RUSSIAN

GK: They've listened to the president's meetings with his top staff.

TR RUSSIAN

GK: They know everything the president knows.

SS (TEXAS): Then there's no problem. (STING)

GK: She was tall and blonde and wore a black T-shirt with the Lincoln Memorial on the front. She made it look like it had been hit by an earthquake. I know I was when I saw her.

SS (TEXAS): My daddy doesn't score real high on comprehension. He's a couple beers short of a sixpack, if you ask me.

GK: Your daddy? The President?

SS (TEXAS): That's him. A man with a brain like a BB in a boxcar. All he can remember about his middle name is the first letter --- Make me a margarita. No salt on the rim. Just put a little on your lips. (SEXY SAX)

TR (ANNC): It's the movie that has everhything..passion (HEART POUNDING), suspense�.

SS: Who's that man?

GK: Who?

SS: Never mind. He's gone now. (STING)

TR (ANNC): Plus wild and wacky comedy.

GK: Excuse me, ma'am. You dropped your peignoir. Whoops --- (RIPPING OF CLOTH) Uh oh. My pants. (STING)

TR: And truckloads of gratuitous violence --- (CAR SCREECHES AROUND CORNER, CRASHES. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. SERIES OF BIG EXPLOSIONS.) And the president of the United States.

TR (BUSH): Educating our children are the most important challenge we face in the sense of things we need to do in this country today. --- Okay? Type it up, Miss Mulcahy. (FOOTSTEPS, HIGH HEELS, HEADING AWAY) What can I do for you, Mr. Noir?

GK: Mr. President, a meteorite is headed straight for Mt. Rushmore in South Dakota.

TR (BUSH): I didn't know they HAD media in South Dakota. (HUGE EXPLOSION AND EARTHQUAKE AND LANDSLIDE) Well, we'll rebuild it bigger and better. Take those four and add Coolidge, Hoover�.and Dad. (SENTIMENTAL BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): It's a movie you won't want to miss. A movie that fills the silver screen with passion�

SS: Kiss me, you beautiful idiot.

TR (ANNC): Non-stop action ---

GK: Why you --- (SWING, KONK, GK OOF) Okay, mister. How about a knuckle sandwich? (SWING, KONK, TR REACT)

TR (ANNC): And intrigue at the highest level of government�.

GK: Mr. Vice-President, your left armpit --- it's moving ---

TR (CHENEY): It's that darned listening device�.(KONK) There. That's better. (BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): It's the story of our nation�at the beginning of a new century.

GK: Jenna, Barbara, I hve to tell you something that isn't going to be easy.

SS (TEXAS): What, Mr. Noir?
TR (GIRL, TEXAS): Is something wrong?

GK: It was wrong but it's been corrected. Girls, the man who is president is not your daddy.

SS (TEXAS): What?
TR (GIRL, TEXAS): Oh my goodness---

GK: He's not even a man.

SS (TEXAS): But ---
TR (GIRL, TEXAS): What is he?

GK: He's a robot. A compassionate robot with your daddy's facial image and your daddy's voice ---

TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): We're going to test our students against standards of basic knowledge and skills, and schools that don't measure up will be put into receivership.

SS (TEXAS): You're right. That's not Daddy.

GK: It's artificial intelligence, but it's better than none at all.

SS (TEXAS): Where's Daddy?

GK: In Texas, at the ranch�.

TR (BUSH): Now this is what I call a comfortable chair. --- Put my feet up her, give the dogs a rest. Git my pillow. --- Wake me up in time for the news, honey!! (MUSIC)

TR (ANNC): It's the movie America is talking about.

(MUSIC)

SS: What are you doing, Mr. Noir?

GK: Changing my pants, babes. That pair has a bomb in it. (EXPLOSION)

TR (ANNC): MR. NOIR GOES TO WASHINGTON�.coming to a theater near you.

(MUSIC UP)

� Garrison Keillor 2001