| March 29, 2002 |
| I am still amazed at how happy I have become. Until now I never realized how out of touch with myself I have been. Afraid to dream or feel, I was numb. That has all changed now. Don't get me wrong, I still have some not so great days. They are not the pits of despaire they used to be. They are mearly bumps in an otherwise smooth road... on a sunny day... in a shaded forest... with a pleasent breeze.... :) Now you're asking, 'What happened Endora?" Fearfully you wait hoping I won't say that I found god. No nothing as silly as that. I found me. The me that was hiding from life behind her dreams and desires. The me that was told to go to her room and never come out again. The me that I knew when I was young enough to believe that my grandpa was Santa. The more 'realistic' of you out there are saying, "Oh gee, she fell in love and landed on her inner child... how sweet (barf!)" No that is not it either. While I would like to credit Frog with this transformation, I can't. He is most certainly an integral part of it, but this 'becoming' started before him. He just makes it safe enough to continue :) I now believe the hardest person you will ever get to know is yourself. Protecting yourself from the outside world by being tough is only going to deny yourself of your own inner peace. I did that for far too long. And I got hurt, badly, many times. Is it any wonder? I presented to the world an abrasive front and expected warm fuzzies in return? How foolish. And yet those injuries were my justifications for keeping up the front. Trust has always been a torn in my side. The Alchemist and I would discuss the issues of trust at great length... at night... over bong hits. He said I should trust people until they gave me a reason not too. I maintained that one should not trust anyone until they proved themselves trustworthy. He said that I wasn't giving people a chance. That was back in 1992/1993. Ten years later I realize he is right. The Jester tested this. I thought I trusted him. He proved undeserving of my trust. But looking back I realized that while I was telling him that he NEVER trusted me, the reality was I never REALLY trusted him. And what is worse I wasn't really trusting myself. I KNEW I was on the wrong path... I couldn't trust my self, the relationship or him. And yet I expected trust in return? How foolish! Getting out on my own again, renewed the trust and faith that I lost in myself. It took strength to not only escape the Jester's madness but to also leave the home of the Courtier who tried to rescue me from him. I was able to live up to my own expectations... that had never happened before. Frog, I was able to trust right away and ever since. I KNOW I am on the right life path. I have faith in myself and our relationship. And that Trust runs very deep. Relationship, financial, work issues are all effected by the amount of trust one has in themselves. It is truely amazing. So as Trust crumbles the front I had built, an incredible thing emerges... the truest version of myself todate! Fostered by Love and tended by Imagination, Bliss is inevitable :) |