_____More Dirrty Jokes

One day a little boy walks in on his mom and daddy having sex and goes "what are guys doing?" The dad looks at the little boy and says "Well son, you always wanted a little brother, and so I'm putting him in mommy right now." The little boy said okay and ran off happily. The next day the dad came home and the lil boy was crying on the front porch. "What's wrong son" "You know how you put my little brother in mommy, well the milk man came and ate him!"

Danny came home for lunch one day when he noticed that the lights were off and everything. SO he walks farther into the house and hears moaning from the bedroom. He walks to the door and sees daddy on top of mommy. He watchs for a moment then walks in and asks if he can climb on his daddys back. He dad thinks it's ok so he says sure. Danny climbs on his dads back and rides for a moment. Then his mommy starts to shake and moan on the bed. "Careful daddy" danny yells "This is where me and the milkman fall off!"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par.

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

A kowala walks into a bar and sits down next to a hooker.. the hooker says "u want to have sex" the koala sais yes.. thhey go in the bathroom and after a while they come out and the hooker says "that'll be about 50 bucks" the koala says "what are you talking about" hooker "i don't think u get what a hooker is, it is a girl who has sex for money" then the koala goes "then i don't think you know what the meaning of a koala is, eats bushes and leaves"

This regular at a bar always orders beer. One night the bartender asks, "Why don't you ever try a mixed drink?". The regular replys that he doesn't know if he would like them. The bartender fixes him one on the house and the man likes it and ends up drinking mixed drinks all night. The next day the regular is back to drinking beer and the bartender asks, "I thought you liked them mixed drinks?" "I do," say the regular, "but last night I went home and blew chunks." "Ya," says the bartender, "that happens to the best of us." "No, no, you don't understand," exclaims the regular, "Chunks is my dog!!!"

A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's going down to the local bar. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the bar and leave her at home when they need to economize. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."

1. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
love?
The swallow

2. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

3. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

4. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

5. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

6. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole
week..!]

7. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

8. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator..

9. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

11. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

12. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

13. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

14. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

15. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you.

16. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing
off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

17. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

18. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.


There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.


The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy,
they cut me up and stick me on a salad."


The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad?
When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me,
and stick me in a jar."


The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big,
fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room,
and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

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