_____Answering Machine

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
" beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
(From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
let the machine get it.
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible .
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached.(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can..
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
(Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later, high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:).kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP.
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell .
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike .
(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right....real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...beep)
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model.
Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interrupting) Oh c'mon, Linda, give me the damn phone... (then ask for a message) You have reached the number which you have dialled.
Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine. ___ isn't home right now, but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close
and we tell each other everything.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
message after you know what.
You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I
already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after
the beep tone.
Hi, you know the drill.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
(After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so
please leave a message after the beep.
"Speak, worm!" (beep) Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
The number you have dialled, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service, the
new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number). -- try getting some
voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like
the phone company.

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