Calvin and Hobbes Poems

Still and quiet feline form,
In the sun, asleep and warm.
His tail is limp his
Whiskers drooped.
Man, what could make
This cat so pooped?

My mom and dad are not what they seem,
Their dull appearance is part of their scheme.
I know of their plans. I know their techniques.
My parents are outer space alien freaks!

They landed on earth in spaceships humongous.
Posing as grownups, they now walk among us.
My parents deny this, but I know the truth.
They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth.

Early each morning, as the sun rises,
Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises.
I know right away their masks weren't legit.
Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit.

The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow.
They say not to run, wherever I go.
They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines.
They work the year 'round. They're almost machines.

They deny that TV and fried food have much worth.
They cannot be human. They're not of this earth.
I cannot escape their alien gaze,
And they're warping my mind with their alien ways.

For sinister plots, this one is a gem.
They're bringing me up to turn me into them!

The following 'prayer' is from "Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat". Calvin speaks this, before throwing his snowball. His comment: "I only throw consecrated snowballs".

Oh lovely snowball, packed with care,
smack a head that's unaware!
Then with freezing ice to spare,
melt and soak through underwear!
Fly straight and true, hit hard and square!
This, oh snowball, is my prayer.

	Another night deprived of slumber, Hours passing without number. My eyes trace 'round the room. I lay Dripping sweat and now quite certain That tonight the final curtain Drops upon my short life's precious play.
	From the darkness, by the closet Comes a noise, much like a faucet Makes: a madd'ning drip-drip-dripping sound. It seems some ill-proportioned beast, Anticipating me deceased, Is drooling puddles on the ground.

	A can of Mace, a forty-five, Is all I'd need to stay alive. But no weapon lies within my sight Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping. Ominous and black, it's seeping Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light!

Suddenly a floorboard creak
Announces the bloodsucking freak
Is here to steal my future years away!
A sulf'rous smell now fills the room
Heralding my imm'nent doom!
A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray!

Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles!
Throbbing, pulsing ventricles!
Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws!
Worse, in terms of outright scariness,
Are the suckers multifarious
That grab and force you in its mighty jaws!

This disgusting aberration
Of nature needs no motivation
To devour helpless children in their beds
Relishing despairing moans,
It chews kids up and sucks their bones,
And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads!

I know this 'cause I read it not
Two hours ago, and then I got
The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes.
My parents swore upon their honor
That I was safe, and not a goner.
I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes.

In the morning, they'll come in
And say, "What was that awful din
We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!"
Only then will they surmise
The gruesomeness of my demise
And see that my remains are in a heap.

Dad will look at Mom and say,
"Too bad he had to go that way."
And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent.
Mom will add, "Still, it's fitting,
That as he was this world quitting,
He should leave another mess before he went.

" They may not mind at first, I know.
They will miss me later, though,
And perhaps admit that they were wrong.
As memories of me grow dim,
They'll say, "We were too strict with him.
We should have listened to him all along."

As speedily my end approaches,
I bid a final "buenas noches"
To my best friend here in all the world.
Gently snoring, whiskers seeming
To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming),
He lies snuggled in the blankets, curled.

HEY! WAKE UP, YOU STUPID CRETIN!
YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?!
Suddenly the monster know I'm not alone!
There's an animal in bed with me!
An awful beast he did not see!
The monster never would've come if he had known!

The monster, in his consternation,
Demonstrates defenestration,
And runs and runs and runs and runs away.
Rid of the pest,
I now can rest,
Thanks to my best friend, who saved the day.

	Tigers are mean. Tigers are fierce. Tigers have teeth and claws that pierce.
	Tigers are great, they can't be beat. If I was a tiger, that would be neat.
	Tigers are nimble and light on their toes, my respect for tigers continually grows.
	Tigers are perfect, the e-pit-o-me of good looks and grace and quiet dignity.
	Tigers are great! They're the toast of the town. Life's always better when a tiger's around!

How much is that tiger in the window?
The one who does nothing but sleep?
We'll spread him out flat in the rec room
and have a new rug if he's cheap!

My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude.
This fur coat must have him made perspire.
It lies on the floor - should this be construed
As a permanent change of attire?
Perhaps he considers its colors pass�,
Or maybe it fit him too snug
Will he want it back? Should I put it away?
Or use it right here as a rug?
This tiger is sprawled so still and so flat,
a question arises when glancing there at.
Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank,
he looks more as if he was creamed by a tank!

Tiger sprawling in the sun!
Fast asleep, his day is done.
Lying here, 'twas warmth he sought.
The sun has made his tummy hot.
One sad fact he overlooked:
His brain is now completely cooked!

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	Suddenly a floorboard creak Announces the bloodsucking freak Is here to steal my future years away! A sulf'rous smell now fills the room Heralding my imm'nent doom! A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray!
	Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles! Throbbing, pulsing ventricles! Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws! Worse, in terms of outright scariness, Are the suckers multifarious That grab and force you in its mighty jaws!

	This disgusting aberration Of nature needs no motivation To devour helpless children in their beds Relishing despairing moans, It chews kids up and sucks their bones, And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads!


	I know this 'cause I read it not Two hours ago, and then I got The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes. My parents swore upon their honor That I was safe, and not a goner. I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes.

	In the morning, they'll come in And say, "What was that awful din We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!" Only then will they surmise The gruesomeness of my demise And see that my remains are in a heap.



	Dad will look at Mom and say, "Too bad he had to go that way." And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent. Mom will add, "Still, it's fitting, That as he was this world quitting, He should leave another mess before he went.

	" They may not mind at first, I know. They will miss me later, though, And perhaps admit that they were wrong. As memories of me grow dim, They'll say, "We were too strict with him. We should have listened to him all along."


	As speedily my end approaches, I bid a final "buenas noches" To my best friend here in all the world. Gently snoring, whiskers seeming To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming), He lies snuggled in the blankets, curled.

	HEY! WAKE UP, YOU STUPID CRETIN! YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?! Suddenly the monster know I'm not alone! There's an animal in bed with me! An awful beast he did not see! The monster never would've come if he had known!

	The monster, in his consternation, Demonstrates defenestration, And runs and runs and runs and runs away. Rid of the pest, I now can rest, Thanks to my best friend, who saved the day.