Trying is the first step towards failure
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?"
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving
The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first
Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don�t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
When I die I wanna be buried upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Why dont u go and put a condom on ur head cos if ur gonna act like a dick u might as well look like one too
What are you going 2 do 4 a face when the baboon asks for its arse back??"
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass."
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry!
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad
Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its just hilarious
Having a smoking section in a restraunt is like having a peeing section in a pool."
You're village just called, they want their idiot back."
Are you always this stupid? or is today a special occasion?"
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners
"CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE!"
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
I'm only a bitch on the days that end with Y